


Best of Me

by Zags96



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Christmas, Complete, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Issues, Fluff, Juliantina, OC death, Sharing a Bed, alternate universe - fake dating, angst (but like not a lot), fake dating au, juliantina au, minor talk of suicide and depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 07:19:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18089882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zags96/pseuds/Zags96
Summary: "But I also have a favor to ask. Well, it’s rather large favor…” Juliana tilts her head and raises an eyebrow at me.“Okay,” she says skeptically. “Lay it on me, can’t get much worse from here.”“Will you be my girlfriend?” I ask.“Excuse me?” Juliana frowns.“I mean my fake girlfriend,” I clarify...or,the fake dating au where Valentina has been lying to her family about having a girlfriend and enlists Juliana, a recently dumped barista, to be her fake girlfriend for the winter holidays.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is just a short intro chapter into the rest of the story! Enjoy

“Hi, Eva,” I sigh into the receiver of my cellphone. I was hastily packing up my bag to leave work for the day when she called. With my work laptop stowed away safely, I head out of the admissions building of the local university. A few of my coworker’s wave goodbye as I exit the building. 

“Vale, are you there?” Eva, my older sister, questions through the phone. 

“Yes, yes, I already said hi,” I say shifting my bag on my shoulder. 

“Valentina, do not get an attitude with me.” I roll my eyes thankful she couldn’t see me. After our mom passed, Eva’s taken on the role of boss in the house, especially because she believes our dad baby’s me. She can take things too seriously sometimes, but she can be just as playful as the rest of us. 

“Sorry, it’s been a long day at work,” I say as I cross the main street of campus and head toward the staff parking lot. “I received a lot of criticism on the article I was really proud of; it was just a low blow.” 

“Take the criticism and become better for it, Valentina,” Eva says matter-of-factly. “And don’t take it out on me.”

“You take it out on me too, you know,” I argue back. 

“Work harder and you won’t receive criticism,” Eva says. “You know dad, Guille, and I are always proud of you.” 

“Thanks.” Despite being scattered around the state, we’ve all been supportive of each other. Guille and his girlfriend, Renata, have just gotten back from a year long trip. Guille has settled back into his job as working at a large media company. 

“Anyway, I called for a reason,” Eva’s voice breaks through my thoughts as I settle into the driver’s seat of my car. I toss my bags onto the passenger seat and start the engine. “When are you coming down to dad’s and Lucía’s for the holidays? Guille and I are going to be there next week.” My stomach drops at the mention of the impending holidays. It’s been a while since I’ve been home and surrounded by my family. I love them more than anything, but they tend to treat me like a fragile princess ever since Mae died. 

“Um, I can make it home in the middle of next week,” I respond running my fingers through my hair anxiously. 

“Is your girlfriend coming with you?” Eva asks. “You’ve been together for nearly a year and you’ve told us nothing about her. We’re starting to think she doesn’t exist, and you made her up after Mae died.” 

“She-she does exist,” I stutter into the phone caught off guard. “I’ll have to ask her though.” 

“You haven’t had this conversation yet?” She says in surprise. 

“I-I mean,” I pause collecting my thoughts. “She’ll be there, Eva. I just have to double check on the date we’ll to the house because of her work schedule.”

“Okay, that’s fine, Vale, let me know.” We say a hasty goodbye and I’m left sitting in my car panicking. A groan falls from my lips and I drop my head onto my steering wheel. The horn blares for a prolonged moment before I lift my head back up in dismay. 

It may be a bit awkward to show up to Christmas with my family with a girlfriend. Especially because she doesn’t exist.


	2. Chapter 2

Two years ago, Mae died. She was the brightest beacon in my life. We met our first year of university in our dormitory. We both hid out in the common room of our dorm, neither of us wanting to be in our rooms for a prolonged period of time. It took a couple weeks before we even talked to each other. And a couple months before we grew to be friends. The closer we got, the more I felt for her. It was scary at first, it wasn’t a feeling I had felt for a woman before. Mae either. But the pieces fell into place so easily, so quickly, we didn’t second guess it. For a while we kept our relationship a secret, not wanting any of our other friends or family know. But the longer we were together, the more I fell in love with her, the more I felt the urge to tell the world. 

By the end of our first year, we had come out to everyone. The reaction wasn’t great. But it wasn’t awful either. It took some getting used to for our families, especially. Eventually, they saw how happy we made each other, and that was enough for them. 

She was sweet and funny and incredibly intelligent. We had the same dark sense of humor that bordered on mean and self-deprecating, but we understood each other. Or at least I thought we did. 

We dated all through college. There were ups and downs just like any relationship, but we worked through them. I was a bundle of anxiety trying to prove my worth to myself and my family, and Mae, well…she did her best to hide her depression. She tried to keep it from me, but after nearly a year of dating, I had come to notice it myself. Her jokes were always half-truths, and her mental health wasn’t as healthy as I had once thought. But I loved her, and I never stopped loving her because of that. 

We moved in together after we graduated, we lived together for almost a year. I was going to propose to her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving this incredibly beautiful and generous woman. Except, life got in the way of that. Or rather, death. 

I didn’t realize to what extent Mae was suffering. I tried my best to make sure she knew I was there for her, that I would always help her to the best of my ability. She was seeking help with a therapist and taking medication. But, somewhere along the way, she had decided she didn’t want to fight anymore. And I was too blinded by my own desire to marry her that I didn’t see it coming. I was so swept up in planning the perfect engagement that I was ignorant to Mae’s suffering. That was until I came back to our apartment and found her dead in a pool of her own blood. The rest is a blur. 

Eva stayed with my for a while. She tried to pick me back up, help me get back on my feet. I started to drink heavily. Using it as any means to feel something, or nothing. To block the memory of holding Mae’s bloody body in my arms. I couldn’t sleep. So, I drank. I stayed up late and slept on the couch, so I didn’t have to sleep in the bed I used to share with her. Eva and Guille helped me move out of mine and Mae’s apartment in the city to one a town over. 

There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t miss her. She was my whole world for five years and then suddenly she was gone. I found myself with her. And I didn’t know how to be myself without her. I drowned myself in my work, and in any stiff drink I could find. My family worried. I was always getting phone calls and visits from them. They suffocated me with attention, pity, and continuous talks about letting my life slip away. Eva and my dad especially. I was done with it; I was tired. I love them for trying to help me, but I didn’t want help. I wanted to be alone. 

They would hound me when I didn’t answer their calls. Appear at my apartment when they were beyond concerned. Eva, my dad, and step-mom—Lucía—wanted to by my saviors. Guille just wanted to be my friend. He’d drive over from his place on the weekends and hang out with me. We’d binge movies, eat take out, and do work together. He never pressured me, never pushed me to be better. He let me be whatever I needed to be. He let me cry on him, confess all my secrets, and helped me to stop relying on alcohol just to feel something. 

But, despite his words to our family that I was simply grieving, they didn’t let up They started to push me to go on blind dates. Always trying to set me up with so-and-so’s daughter, son, nephew, cousin. It had barely been a year and they were already trying to get me to move on. I understood it partially; they just wanted me to be happy. My dad especially, he hated seeing me upset. 

And even though I felt far from happy, I pretended to be. I went out with coworkers, smiled more, joked around with my family; I tried my best to be who I was before Mae died. After a while, I started to believe I was okay, too. But I couldn’t stand the blind dates and set-ups any longer. It felt like barely any time had passed since Mae’s death. I know my family meant well, but I wasn’t ready, and I still don’t feel like I am. 

Which is why I made up a fake girlfriend. After rejecting several set-ups by my family, I snapped. 

“Please,” I begged my dad. “Stop setting me up with people, I can’t do this anymore.”

“But, Val, we just want to see you happy again,” he tried to reason with me. “Eva said she has a friend that would love to meet you! She seems like a lovely girl, you should give her a shot.”

“Dad,” I said trying to get him to listen to me, but his voice bulldozed over mine through the phone. 

“Guille said his friend’s cousin is single, too!” He says enthusiastically. “I don’t know why you won’t see these people, Valentina. I just don’t get it. Is there something wrong with them?” 

“Dad!” I yelled into the phone losing my long-maintained composure.

“Don’t raise your voice at me, Valentina,” My dad scolded. 

“Then listen to me, please,” I said. Silence falls on the other end of the line. “I don’t want you guys to keep setting me up with people.”

“But who is going to look out for my little girl?” I hear the phone shuffling and a voice in the background. “I know, Lucía, but she’s my baby.”

“I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself,” I said. 

“That’s what Lucía said.” 

“Then please listen to her too. I’m a grown woman, dad. I don’t need someone to look after me.” I hear him sigh on the other end. I knew this argument would be futile. Eva would call me up in a couple of days with more people I could date—honestly, I don’t know where my family keeps finding all these people, it’s like that were putting up ads online or something. Nothing I’ve said in the past couple months have made my family stop, and I was at my wits end. It wasn’t my best idea. It wasn’t even a good idea. But I did it anyway. “Besides, I have a girlfriend, dad.” 

“What?” He said. “Lucía, did you know Vale had a girlfriend? Vale, why didn’t you tell any of us?” 

“I wanted to make sure it was a sure thing before I told you, and it’s fairly new so it’s not a big deal,” I said. “Please, don’t make it a big deal.”

“What’s her name?” 

“Dad.” 

“That’s a weird name for a woman, but okay,” He said. I dropped my head into my hand. 

“That was a terrible joke,” I said.

“Well, I guess I’ll call Eva off the hunt for a partner for you,” he said finally after a prolonger silence. 

“Thank you.”

“We’re happy for you, honey. I’ll let you go, but I’d like to meet this woman at some point.”

“Maybe on day, it’s too early for that now.” We said our goodbyes and hung up. Nearly a year later and I have kept this stupid lie up. I created a woman who doesn’t even exist and the moment my family calls me on it I lie even further instead of coming out with the truth. It was stupid, but it was too late. My family doesn’t take well to liars and they certainly doesn’t take well to being disrespected like this. 

I’m convinced I’ll end up showing up to my dad and Lucía’s house with my head ducked down and shame written all over my face. I could fake a break up, but I don’t think I could take the pitying looks, that’s how I got in this predicament in the first place. Maybe I am pitiful by making up a girlfriend…

Regardless, I had a week to find someone willing to be my fake girlfriend for the holidays.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m so glad many of you have liked this story thus far! As I’ve mentioned in some of the comments, I will be posting an update everyday.

It’s not that I thought finding a fake girlfriend would be easy, I just didn’t think it would be difficult to get a friend to agree to it. I asked the few friends that I had if they would be willing, but each one came up with a different excuse. 

Maria said she couldn’t miss Christmas with her parents. 

Gabriella laughed at the idea and told me it would never work. 

Elena, well, she said she wouldn’t play a convincing enough lesbian to make it believable. 

And I—I was out of options and running out of days. 

I have three days to find a fake girlfriend. I’m starting to think that this is impossible. A part of me wants to come clean and tell my family that it was all an elaborate lie. Maybe they’d understand, forgive me, and our holiday wouldn’t be ruined. But I know better than that. 

The time Eva lied to our dad about having a boyfriend while she was in high school. Eva swore up and down that she wasn’t dating anyone, especially Alacran—local rebel and criminal. But, of course, Eva was dating Alacran. When my dad found out through the complex grapevine that is small towns, it became World War III in our house. My dad was livid yelling about respect, the family name, and honesty leaving my sister cowering from his fiery glare. After the fallout of the fight Eva and my dad didn’t speak for weeks. Guille played his usual part of the jester and tried to lighten the tension in the house. I tried to stay out of it the best I could. Guille and I didn’t like Alacran, but Eva was happy, and who were we to tell her she shouldn’t be? I’m speaking for my siblings when I say we love each other fiercely and loyally, there isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for each other. Except fight against our dad’s word; in our house, his word is law. 

That’s not to say that our dad is a heartless dictator. Quite the opposite, actually. He is loving, and kind, and incredibly goofy, but he can be strict with us. Raising three kids, losing a wife, and falling in love again can be hard. Especially when we’re all such a hand-full. He did his best to keep up with us, but we knew better than to get on his bad side. Eva liked to test that water the most. But I’m really rocking the boat by running with this huge lie that I have a girlfriend. This kind of lie would really upset my dad; we are incredibly close, and I would never lie to him. Except, I guess I already did. 

I got a video call from my family the other day. My dad, Eva, Guille, and Lucía were all sitting together on a couch in my dad’s house. 

“When are you and your girlfriend coming down?” Eva asked. 

“Oh, Wednesday seems to be the best for us,” I responded. I had given myself a timeline to follow and if I wasn’t successful by that time, I would have to own up to my actions. 

“Perfect, we miss you around here,” Lucía smiled warmly. 

“Bella can’t wait to see you,” Eva added referring to her five-year old daughter. She’s a little diva, much like Eva, but she adores me. We spend a lot of time drawing together—she’s much better than I am. 

“And Renata has been asking about you,” Guille said. “She wants girl time with you.” 

“I will be there as soon as I can, I promise,” I rolled my eyes with a smile. 

“We can’t wait to see you!” My dad grinned. “And finally, this mysterious girlfriend of yours.” 

“Yeah, me too,” I said with a forced smile. The call ended shortly after and the knots in my stomach were getting more intense. I was starting to lose hope. 

I’m hiding out at a café at this point, hopelessly searching for any woman I think could be willing to agree to this ridiculous plan. I have a coffee sitting in front of me and Kate Chopin’s The Awakening. Part of me was hoping the main character’s awakening had to do with her coming out and sexual identity; I’m disappointed to say that it doesn’t. But, thus far, the book is keeping my interest. 

“But, whatever came, she had resolved never again to belong to another than herself.” A voice says from before me. I tear my gaze from the pages and find a dark-haired woman with an easy grin standing beside me. Her hair was tied back in a low-pony tail, and her red apron was stained with sugar and coffee. She’s holding a coffee pot in one hand and plate with a muffin in the other. She quirks an eyebrow at me. 

“Excuse me?” I say confused at her words. 

“It’s my favorite line in that book,” she gestures to the table. “Thinking about breaking away from the constraints of society?” 

I sigh, “I’m thinking about a lot of things.” The woman nods solemnly. 

“Can I top you off?” She lifts the coffee pot and motions at my cups. 

“Yes, please,” I push my cup closer to her. “So, do you like this book?”

“Absolutely, it’s a must read.” She pushes my coffee mug back to me when she’s done.  
“I’ve reread it about twenty times since then. It’s among my top ten.”

“I’ll have to come back and ask you for some book recommendations when I finish this then,” I say genuinely interested in the other books she loves. I didn’t get a chance in university to read maybe novels, it was mostly articles and news journals. The barista looks like she’s about to say something when the bell over the door chimes signaling someone’s entrance to the coffee shop. She looks up and her easy going demeanor shifts. 

“Sergio,” the woman next to me says clearly confused. “What are you doing here?” 

“I have to talk to you about something, Juliana.” The man is slightly taller than her—Juliana—and has similar dark hair, plus he’s immaculately dressed. He tucks his cellphone into his pocket and cocks his head to the side. “Now, please.” 

“Sergio, I’m at work, can it wait?” Juliana says turning her back to me to speak to him. He doesn’t say anything in response, he just stares at her until she sighs. She turns to me with a forced smile, “let me know if you need anything else.” She walks off behind the counter to put the coffee pot away and then joins her friend in the corner near my table. I try not to pay attention to their conversation and focus on the book in front of me. But their heated conversation is hard not to overhear. 

“I can’t take you home with me for Christmas, Juls,” Sergio says calmly. 

“What the hell, I’ve already taken the time off,” Juliana counters back. “I don’t have anywhere else to go…”

“I’m sorry, but it’s not working out between us.”

“Seriously?” Juliana raises her voice carefully. “You weren’t saying this literally the other day!” 

“Listen, this has been fun, and all. I’ve enjoyed your company, but you’re not the kind of girl I can bring home to my parents,” Sergio tries to explain. “They would never approve of my relationship with a—a barista.” 

“Is that really all you see me as? Just a fucking barista?” I can’t help but let my eyes wander toward the seen to my right. Sergio has his back to me now and I can see Juliana. She has her arms crossed over her chest defiantly, her brows furrowed, and she honestly looks beyond angry. “Honestly, I really believed you actually thought for yourself. You’re nearly thirty, Sergio, stop letting your parents and your friends run your goddamn life.” 

Sergio shakes his head and starts to turn to leave, “we’re over, Juliana. Have a good holiday.” And with that, he walks out of the café leaving Juliana standing in the corner alone and dumbfounded by the interaction. She quickly disappears to the back room after muttering something to her coworker. She doesn’t come out for a while. I want to wait to make sure she’s okay, from our conversation she seems like a nice person and no one deserves to be treated like that. But, when I finished my coffee, she hadn’t appeared yet. I drop a tip on the table and leave the café. 

I spend the rest of the day and the next thinking about Juliana and the café. She seemed surprised and upset at the thought of having no place to spend the holidays. I couldn’t imagine the hurt she was feeling at her boyfriend’s betrayal and utter lack of care for her feelings. I wonder how long she spent hiding away in the back room, if she left work early, if she’d even be there now. 

I’m driving out of campus toward my apartment when I find myself heading toward the café. Honestly, I didn’t realize it until I pulled up in front of the store. I pause outside of the door trying to see if Juliana is even there and if I should even bother going in. But the image of Juliana as she told Sergio she had nowhere to go, and he ripped into her, as she watched him leave pushes me to enter the café with a new sense of purpose. 

Juliana is cleaning a table near the back of the room. She’s putting an excessive amount of pressure on the table as she wipes it. The table rocks and the sound of metal hitting the tiled floor fills the relatively empty café. I walk past her and get a hot coffee in hopes of having something to do with my hands while I attempt to explain my need for a fake girlfriend. I turn around too quickly just as Juliana is walking by to put the table wipes away. 

Hot coffee isn’t supposed to be a condiment for a body, which is apparent with the intense burning feeling that overwhelms me when my whole coffee spills down the front of my blouse. Juliana jumps back in surprise; her eyes widen comically when she realizes what she did. 

“Oh, shit!” Juliana shouts. “I am so sorry, uh, come with me.” She grabs my hand and pulls me to the back room. The walls are lined with metal shelves filled extra stocks of cups, lids, and coffee beans. She has me sit in the chair near the office in the back and disappears into the broom closet behind her. She comes back out with a sweatshirt and hands it to me along with a rag. “Um, if you want to change in there,” she thumbs behind her to the closet, “and dry yourself off with the rag. Just call my name if you need anything else, I’m Juliana.”

“Valentina. Thank you,” I say not totally expecting this moment whatsoever. I duck into the closet and take my coat and blouse off. I use the rag to wipe the coffee off my torso and pulled on the sweatshirt. It’s dark blue with a small embroidery on the breast for the city University and is incredibly soft. It’s definitely well-worn and smells like coffee and sugar, but it’s a smell I’ve grown used to hanging around cafés. When I walk back out Juliana is sitting in the chair with her head in her hands. “Are you okay?”

“Please don’t sue me, or tell my boss, I can’t handle anymore bad news,” Juliana mumbles shaking her lightly making her braided hair fall over her shoulder. 

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how the law works,” I point out softly to her. “I mean it was an accident, and the cup does warn about temperature contents. I highly doubt that would allow me to sue you. And I won’t tell your boss, as long as you buy me a coffee as an apology.” 

“Why are you being so nice?” Juliana asks looking up at me. I lean back against the sink and smile sadly. 

“I saw what happened the other day…with your boyfriend,” I say and try to work up the courage to ask what I originally came here for. “But I also have a favor to ask. Well, it’s rather large favor…” Juliana tilts her head and raises an eyebrow at me. 

“Okay,” she says skeptically. “Lay it on me, can’t get much worse from here.” 

“Will you be my girlfriend?” I ask. 

“Excuse me?” Juliana frowns.

“I mean my fake girlfriend,” I clarify and run my hand over my face. “Right, so, I have been lying to my family about having a girlfriend for the past year because they worry, and set me up on horrible dates, and make me feel like I can’t mourn my ex-girlfriend who killed herself. So, I lied about having a girlfriend to make them leave me alone like I wanted, but not they expect her to be there for the holidays with me and—” 

“Okay.” Juliana stands up and steps closer to me. 

“Yeah?”

“Yes, I’ll be your fake girlfriend.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay we’re finally getting into more of Juls and Vals interactions! Also, I took some creative liberties with jobs and family relations. So I hope you enjoy this! I’ll update again tomorrow!

There’s really not a lot of time before we have to be at my parent’s house. Two days. I have two days with Juliana to get our story down, to teach her all about my family, and especially to learn about each other. Two days to learn what should have been established over the last year—you know, if our relationship was actually real. 

Juliana gets off work an hour later and has kindly made me a new coffee on her. I’m waiting for her at a table near the counter trying to figure out the best approach to getting to know each other. By the time she clocks out I have formulated a plan of attack for this ridiculous situation I’ve dragged her into. A small smile tugs at her lips as she walks toward me shrugging on her jacket. 

“I don’t care where we talk, but I can’t stay here another minute longer,” Juliana says as she approaches my table. “The smell of burnt coffee is sticking to my skin.” I crinkle my nose at the thought. 

“We can go to my apartment, if you’re comfortable with that,” I say standing to put my own coat on. 

“That’s fine with me,” she motions for me to walk out first, “as long as you aren’t actually a serial killer, that is.” I roll my eyes and ignore her comment. “It’s a fair statement.” 

“I’m not going to kill you, Juliana,” I unlock my black SUV that’s parked out front. “Killing you wouldn’t be beneficial to me.” We both climb into the car and knuckle in as I start the engine. 

“Good to know,” she mumbles as she settles into the seat. The drive from the café is short and silent. I’m not sure where to even begin with a conversation with her. There is so much I need to learn and need to teach that my mind is a whirlwind mess of information. She is a nice enough girl, beautiful for sure, and personable. My family will be happy, but only if we can convince them we are truly dating. 

We pull up to my apartment a few minutes later and I park in my designated spot. Juliana follows me into the tall brick building quietly looking around. We take the elevator up to the fourth floor and walk to apartment number 303. I push into the apartment and shut the door behind us. My keys find their home on the hook by the door and my bag takes its place on the table beneath it. Juliana teeters in the hallway shifting her weight from one foot to the other. 

“Make yourself at home,” I say and point toward the couch in the living room. “Would you like a drink?” 

“I’m fine, thank you,” She says taking her coat off and laying it over the back of the couch before taking a seat. She looks around taking in her surroundings. The beige walls have a few family photos from various years, a couple tattered posters that I’ve had since college, and a TV sits at the center of the wall in front of the couch. A basket full of throw blankets is between the TV and the DVD shelf. To the right of the DVD shelf is a hallway leading to the bathroom and bedroom that are as minimally decorated as the living room is. The kitchen is situated behind the living room, a small half wall separates the two. “It’s cute.”

“Hm?” 

“Your apartment, it’s cute,” She clarifies. 

“Oh, thank you,” I take a seat opposite of her on the couch. “I got rid of a lot of stuff when Mae died. It was hard to look at.” She nods, but doesn’t press me on the matter. 

“So, where should we start?” 

“I figured I can tell you about my family, you know? I should also probably explain my situation a little better than I did early, and then we need to work out the details of our relationship.” 

“That’s a hefty agenda,” Juliana points out. 

“We have two days to make a convincing couple,” I say. “My family is expecting us Wednesday, if that’s doable for you.” 

“Yeah, I had taken work off work starting tomorrow for Sergio,” She sighs and fiddles with her braided hair. 

“Right…” I sip my coffee. “I’m sorry about that, by the way. You didn’t deserve to be talked to in that way.” Juliana shrugs and a looks out the window for a moment, taking a few deep breaths. 

“It’s funny, I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I didn’t see this coming at all,” She says. “I knew his family was hard on him, but I didn’t know that I was a part of that pressure.” She shakes her head and looks back at me with a forced smile. “But now I see what an asshole he is, and I’m not taking that shit.”

“And you shouldn’t. From what I can tell you’re smart and kind, and you really don’t deserve a man who treats you so disrespectfully,” I smile reassuringly at her, she sends a small one back. 

“So, your family,” she shifts in her seat. 

“Oh, yes, okay,” I ramble quickly trying to catch my train of thought again. “Like I told you earlier, my family was unbearable when my girlfriend died. They wanted to see me happy, and that’s totally fine, but they took it too far. I wasn’t ready to move on and be okay yet, but they were forcing me to. Which led me to lying to them, it’s not exactly my best moment. Anyway, I’ve kept this stupid lie up for almost a year now and they finally want to meet my girlfriend because they’re starting to think she’s fake.”

“She is fake, Valentina,” Juliana smirks. 

“I know, but they can’t know that,” I try to explain. “Respect is really big in our family and lying is the basically sacrilege. After my mom died, we all became really close and we continued to be open and honest with each other. Until, well, until this. I don’t want to ruin the holidays with this, it’s not something I want to deal with.”

“Okay, we have to convince them we’re really in love then,” Juliana locks her gaze onto mine. 

“Yes,” I nod. “They won’t be expecting me to be lying to them, but if we don’t come across like we’re happy and in love, they’ll be worried. And that’s what got us in this mess in the first place.”

“And here I was thinking it was because you decided to lie,” she jokes, a cheeky smile appearing on her face. I roll my eyes at her. 

“You’ll fit right in with my family,” I say before scooting closer to her to show her pictures of my family members. “They’re a bunch of jokesters, but they’re really sweet.”

“Alright, I can handle that.” 

“Okay, so,” I pulled up a picture of my family. “This is my dad, León, and my step-mom, Lucía Carvajal. My dad is the owner and boss of their town’s local newspaper and Lucía is a teacher at the high school. I have two older siblings. My oldest sister is Eva and she’s married to Mateo, he works at a social media company as one of the high ups. They have a five-year old daughter, Bella. She’s a cutie.” 

“How much older is Eva than you?” 

“She’s thirty, so six years older than me,” I answer. “Do you need to write any of this down?”

“Nope, I have a great memory, you can test me later,” Juliana grins. “I love learning new things. Keep going.”

“Okay, nerd,” I joke before diving back in. “That’s Guillermo, or Guille, he’s the second oldest; twenty-eight. He’s with Renata, who was his secretary at his job at one point, but you know, now they’re together, so she found another job. Conflict of interest and power imbalances and what not. Eva and Guille both work at other media companies across the city. Eva covers stories surrounding the art community, Guille is more on the management end. Then there’s me, I’m the youngest, twenty-four. I write articles for the City University, covering current events on and around the campus.”

“I guess writing and journalism runs in the family. You guys are seriously accomplished, what the fuck,” Juliana says. I shake my head laughing. 

“My dad’s a really good role model, he instilled a sold work ethic in us, but let us follow what we loved. It was our mom’s wish before she died, that we be happy and doing what we loved. He made sure to honor that. They just wanted us to succeed in what we loved.”

“I can’t imagine what that would be like.”

“Your parents weren’t like that?”

“No, um,” Juliana looks away. “My parents haven’t been…with me since I was almost eighteen. And I’m an only child, so I’ve been on my own ever since. I don’t know what it’s like to have siblings, or family really.”

“I’m sorry about your parents,” I say. Juliana shrugs and turns her gaze back to me. 

“Who else is left?” She asks. 

“Lucía’s brother, we call him Uncle Johny. He’s the guy kind of hiding in the back of the photo, with the glasses? Yeah. He loves to drink and cause trouble, but we mostly ignore him. He has a son, Lucho. He’s a bit of prick in my opinion, but it’s easy to put him in his place. He’s kind of scared of my siblings and me. He’s younger, I think eighteen? And then My grandparents are the only one’s left,” I point to them off to the side of the photo. “They insist on being called Silvina and Tiberio. They claim being called grandma and grandpa makes them feel old. Sometimes we call Silvina, Chivis as well. But they’re super sweet, kind of quiet. Tiberio likes to pour us wine all night.” 

“Got it, okay,” Juliana nods with her eyes closed for a moment and then looks at me intently. “You have a big family, from my own experiences at least.” 

“Yeah, the house will be full of noise. Are you sure you want to do this? You can bail you know.” 

“I know, but I don’t have anything better to do. I have no where to go, and if I stay home, I’ll end up throwing a pity party for one,” Juliana shrugs again, eyes cast down. I take a minute to look at her, her dark hair falling messily from her braid. She’s smart, witty, well-read, and beautiful beyond words. But I can see that she is sad; I can feel it. The look in her eyes reflects the one I’ve been wandering around with for the past two years since Mae died. It’s a feeling I know well; loneliness, heartbreak. 

I smile softly at her, “I guess it’s a good thing you’re my girlfriend then, right, Juls?”

She looks back up at me with a chuckle, a smile stretching across her face, “it’s definitely a good thing, Val.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so, I have all the chapters in drafts right now, and I’m more than willing to give you all two updates a day if you’d like! Let me know in the comments! 
> 
> If that’s the case, I will start updating twice tomorrow!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it appears that y'all are thirsty for more than one update, and who am I to deprive you of that? Starting today, I will post two chapters every day until the story is complete. Enjoy!

The rest of the night we spent going over my family tree making sure that Juliana had it down to the finest detail. She can pick my family out from pictures and knows more than the basic details about them. I still feel bad about having her do this for me, but she seems to be enjoying it in a weird way. She had said earlier in the night that she loved learning, and I think a part of her misses the challenges that come with that. 

She hasn’t been in school for two years and hasn’t been able to find a job that will hire her. She had managed to get federal financial aid to get through college and get her degree in education. But she was so in debt when she got out that she had to find whatever job she could to pay the bills. She’s been at the café ever since. But even without the fancy degrees, she’s by far the smartest girl I’ve ever met. I don’t know where she stores all the information she has, but she can readily recall it at any given time. She’s going to get along great with my family because of how well-read she is. She knows so much about literature it honestly has left me astounded. 

We had made an agreement to meet the next day to fine tune our relationship details. When I get to the park we agreed on, I find Juliana at the entrance on the East Side holding two to-go cups of coffee. She smiles warmly as I approach and hands me the cup which I gratefully accept. Her hair is tied up into a messy bun on the top of her head and she has on a long grey fluffy coat and a scarf wrapped around her neck. 

I take a second to look around the park and my heart plummets. There were many days that Mae and I would spend walking through the park. She always loved nature and being surrounded by nameless people who know nothing about her. Mae enjoyed the anonymity of it all; no one knows her, no one cares for her; she can just disappear into thin air. I understood it, in a way; being invisible among strangers. There’s a sense of security when not a single person knows anything about you, and you can be anyone you want in that moment. There are no restrictions, no expectations; just you and that moment in time. 

“Morning,” Juliana yawns breaking me from my thoughts and into the mindset of the situation we’re in. 

“We should get right to it,” I say and begin walking into the park. “There’s a lot to get through and we have to leave tomorrow morning for my parents house.” 

“You know,” Juliana rushes to catch up to me and stops me in my tracks. “It doesn’t have to be about business all the time. There is room for other things in your life, too.”

“There aren’t other things in my life that I care about,” I say with a shake of my head.

“I don’t believe that,” she tries again. “There has to be something, Val. You can’t just go through life on autopilot, burying yourself in whatever work you can find, and then think it is an acceptable way to live. You’re not even living at that point.” I step back from Juliana and take a sip from my coffee. 

“I’m surviving, isn’t that enough?” 

Juliana lets out an exasperate sigh, “life is meaningless if you’re just surviving, Valentina. Life is short, and difficult, and filled with obstacles that challenge your will to live, but you can’t just survive through it and call it living.”

“You know nothing of what I’ve been through, how can I live when Mae doesn’t get to?” My gaze attaches to hers; it’s a battle of will. Hers is soft and understanding, mine challenging and defensive. I back down. 

“I doubt she would want you to just exist without meaning. I know I don’t know anything about your relationship, but I know about losing people. If she loved you as much as you do her, she wouldn’t want you to simply survive. She’d want you to live your life and find happiness again. And you can’t do that if you’re drowning yourself in your work and alcohol even,” Juliana says firmly, but with a kindness that I don’t anticipate. She shrugs, “but, like I said, I won’t claim to know anything about your relationship.”

She starts to walk off further into the park leaving me to trail after her. Her words gnaw at my insides and I wonder if maybe mourning Mae for long isn’t what she’d want from me. But I have no way to know for sure. So, I tuck Juliana’s speech into a box in my mind and store it away to unpack later. 

We walk in silence beside each other, both of us taking intermittent sips from our coffees. Our feet fall into step with each other, the remains of the last snow sticking to the grass and sidewalk crunching under our shoes softly. The barren trees hang over our heads lining each path and filling the park. There are snow covered fields spread throughout the park and a frozen pond where young children ice skate in the winter. Their childish laughter rises and falls through the mini forest around us. I glance at Juliana who is smiling around the brim of her cup as she takes in the winter wonderland that we are strolling through. 

“We really need to plan our backstory, Juls,” I try again, and she rolls her eyes. “Don’t be rude.”

“How can we create a backstory about how we met and fell in love if we know so little about each other? It won’t be realistic,” She states. She purses her lips and goes quiet for a moment before a grin appears. “I have an idea.”

“I don’t like that look.” 

“You’ll be fine, follow me.” Juliana doesn’t bother to check if I am, in fact, following her. And part of me thinks it might be stupid to follow this woman wherever she may lead me. Yet, my feet carry me forward and after the dark-haired beauty. Mae would be laughing at me. She used to tease me in college before we started dating that all it took was a beautiful girl with a bright smile and the prospect of adventure to peak my interest. She wasn’t wrong; it’s how we ended up dating after a spontaneous hiking trip to a mountain. Now, here I am again, chasing after a woman I know nothing about, but she tosses a smile over her shoulder and asks me if I’m coming; so, of course. I follow. 

*** 

“Seriously? This is your great idea?” I say looking at Juliana incredulously. 

“In my defense, I did not say it was great. It was simply an idea,” She shrugs. 

“You don’t think we’re a little too old for this?” I ask her as we push our way into Area 51 Laser Tag. The main lobby is filled with young children, a few teenagers, and the parents who are trying to leave after dropping their kids off. “We’re definitely too old to be here.”

“There is no age limit on fun,” Juliana says, and I whip my head to look at her critically. 

“You did not just say that.” 

“I did, and it’s true. Stop thinking so hard, Val, and have some goddamn fun.” 

“Didn’t realize I signed up for this when I asked you to be my girlfriend,” I joke as we pay for a fifteen-minute round of laser tag. Little neon black light lit aliens cover the walls and have small guns in their hands. They stand on rocks or with astronaut helmets on. 

“I’m trying to help you make this believable for your family,” She says as she pulls on her vest and gun. I follow suit matching my color to hers. We’re both the green team. “It’ll be more convincing if we have actual stories to tell, and we can become a better team this way.” 

“Why are you being so helpful though?” 

She shrugs, “I know what it’s like to lose someone you love and have a hard time coming to terms with it. I also know you’re a good person who’s just trying to do her best, and I think you deserve to have some fun while planning a large scale lie to deceive your whole family. It has to be stressful.”

“You have no idea,” I grumble before we’re ushered into the laser tag area. It’s two floors of ominous lighting and black partitions creating a maze-like structure. Juliana grabs my hand and pulls me through a series of passage ways and up to the top floor where we have a vantage point about the whole arena. We manage to score a few points on other players before a hoard of little kids find our hiding spot behind a giant spaceship. Juliana is grinning with a childlike glee and looks over at me, her eyes shining in the dark and neon lit room. 

“On my count, we attack,” Juliana says. 

“They’re a bunch of kids, shouldn’t we let them have this?”

“Don’t be weak, soldier, this is war,” She whispers and sets a stern gaze on me. “Now you’re either with me, or against me, which one is it?” 

“You can’t be serious…” I stare at her dubiously, but she doesn’t drop the façade. I sigh and try to play along. “I’m with you, I’m with you. What’s the plan, captain?”

“I’m going to over that way over the low wall and attack from behind, you stay here and distract them,” Juliana explains and before I can question her, she’s sprinting off toward the low wall. She vaults over it gracefully and creeps up behind the group of kids. The kids are excited and think I can’t see their hiding spots among the small walls. I move closer to them and pop up to pretend to shoot them. The least I can do before Juliana slaughters them all is to let them get some points on us.

Several of the kids’ land hits on my vest and rack up some fast points not realizing that I’m missing my accomplice. I take aim and manage a few points on a few of the kids who let out yells of outrage that are swallowed up by the war cry of Juliana who comes running up from behind them. They turn in surprise only for each of them to get tagged multiple times before the lights in the arena go on signaling the end of the game.

A collective, “Aw man,” rings out from the group of kids who shuffle dejectedly out of the arena leaving Juliana and I standing there laughing. 

“I cannot believe you just did that,” I chuckle as we make our way to the exit. 

“We were surrounded! You can’t give up at the earliest signs of defeat,” Juliana states surely. “You have to fight on.”

“It’s laser tag, Juls, not an actual battle.” 

 

“But the advice remains true,” She insists as we leave the building and get into my car. “If it seems like you’re going to be defeated, fight harder, fight through it, and at least if you do fail, you know you tried everything you could to win.” 

“You read too much,” I shake my head. “Seriously, you sound like some cheesy author trying to make meaning out of a laser tag game.” 

She laughs, “whatever, somewhere in that head of yours, you know that I’m right.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” I laugh with her. “My turn now. Head into the East side of the city near the old used bookstore.”

“Melvin’s?” I nod. “You got it, Val.” She takes off in her car toward the next location. And for once, I feel like I’m in college again trying to find some place to have fun and kill time. 

Maybe it is nice to just let go…

***  
“An arcade?” Juliana says when we finally make it to the destination. 

“Not just any arcade,” I say happily. “It’s Player One Arcade! The only arcade bar in the city.”

“An arcade bar? What the hell is that?” 

“You pay the cover fee and play games for free, duh,” I say and pay for the two of us at the door. The inside is well lit and filled with various arcade games from pacman, to air hockey to old Resident Evil games. There’s skeeball in the far corner, and race car games beside that, and even a Mortal Kombat machine. Juliana’s eyes light up. 

“Whhattt?” She stares at me in awe. 

“I know, I used to come here a lot in college with my friends,” I say and wave at the bartender in the back. “Want a drink?” 

“Any kind of beer if fine.” I nod and move toward the bartender, Camilo. He’s a big guy, bright white hair, and beard. 

“Valentina, it’s been a while,” he smiles kindly. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been okay, it’s been hard since Mae passed.”

“A spitfire, that one. We miss your whole gang around here. You guys were always a wild bunch.” He laughs at the memories. “Anyways, what would you like?”

“Two beers, whatever you’re feeling.” Camilo slides two bottles of beer toward me with a smile and I drop money onto the counter for him. “Keep the change, Camilo, maybe I’ll see you around more.” 

“I hope so, have fun.” I wave before I turn around and weave through the machines to fine Juliana. She’s in the back corner trying to play Skeeball; ‘trying’ being the key word here. 

"Here you go,” I say as she throws another ball. She takes it graciously. 

“You know, I’m not usually this bad at skeeball,” She tries to justify. “Then again, I haven’t played since I was, like, twelve.” 

“Well, now’s a good a time as any to play again,” I say putting my beer down. “Best two out of three for bragging rights.”

“You’re on.” And so, we play skeeball, where I successfully kick her ass. But she beats me at Mortal Kombat no problem. We tie at air hockey. She beats me during our car racing competition leaving us fully tied up. 

“How are you so good at that?” I say after we finish racing cars. “The steering wheel is impossible!” 

“I basically grew up in the arcade down the street from my house,” Juliana shrugs. “My parents were always busy with...their jobs, so I found ways to entertain myself. I played a lot of video games.” 

“Let me guess, there was a laser tag place nearby too?”

“Yup,” She laughs, her cheeks turning red. “Now, how are we going to break this tie?” 

“Well, what’s something we both suck at? I can’t play sports for shit.”

“Me neither,” Juls agrees. “Basketball it is.” She points to the hoops game near the air hockey table. 

“Whoever wins the first game wins it all?” I ask; she nods. It’s a close game. Juliana sinks a couple and so do I. We’re neck and neck for the most part, but at the very end I get one more basket than she does. “Fuck yeah!” I scream and start dancing. “Uh-huh, uh-huh. That’s right, I’m the winner! Suck it, Juliana!” 

“I can see you’re still a sore-winner, Valentina!” Camilo yells from the bar. 

“Eat it, Camilo! You’re just jealous of my mad basketball skills!” 

“You got three baskets, Val! That’s not skill!” Camilo yells back and several of the patrons are laughing at us. I stick out my tongue and turn to who’s smirking at me. 

“What?” I ask breathlessly, face beat red, a small smile replacing my cocky grin. 

“So, this is what you look like when you let loose. Good to know.” I shove her, and we play a couple other games before leaving the bar. She directs me the short drive to her apartment and before she gets out, I realize we didn’t come up with a backstory. 

“Juliana, how did we meet?”

“At the arcade bar,” She smiles, “you were a little drunk and challenging strangers to games, but no one was taking you up on the offer. You called everyone cowards, so I stepped up to play. It was a close series of games, but in the end you won. You did a stupid little dance all cocky and shit, but I found it kind of endearing. I asked for your number, so I could school you in laser tag. It’s been nearly a year of random competition and you swearing you’re the best only to lose, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.” 

“Goodnight, Juliana,” I say satisfied with her response. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Looking forward to it, Val.” She winks and closes the door before walking into her apartment building. I watch until she disappears inside and drive off toward home to finally pack for a few weeks full of deception. But, a large part of me thinks I can actually pull this off, especially with Juliana by my side. Let’s just hope that part of me isn’t wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

Juliana climbs into the car with a smile the next morning. Her suitcase having already found a home next to mine in the trunk. Her hair tumbles softly around her face and she tucks it behind her ears before adjusting in her seat. I’m slumped against the steering wheel, blearily staring back at her. 

“How the hell are you so…awake?” I groan at the grin she shoots back at me. “I had to give myself the pep talk of the century just to leave my cocoon of blankets.” 

“I’m a morning person, I guess,” Juliana shrugs. 

“No part of me wants to be a morning person,” I say and shift the car into drive. “We’re getting coffee.”

“Okay,” she laughs at my scrunched-up face. I send a playful glare her way and shoot off toward the closet coffee place on the way to my dad’s. I am barely coherent and not even close to being human before we get to the coffee shop. I order us a couple of coffees and a few muffins before we’re back on the road. 

After a few languid sips of coffee—and a burnt tongue—later, I am much more alive. Juliana chuckles beside me. “Coffee makes me a person, you do not want to deal with me before coffee,” I state simply as I pull onto the highway. 

“Duly noted,” Juliana says seriously like she’s filing it away in a folder in her head. I roll my eyes and take another swing of coffee. “How long is the drive?” 

“Mm, three hours, give or take,” I say throwing my blinker on and moving over into the fast lane. I accelerate and fly past the other cars on the road. The snow-covered grounds that line the highway blur with the trees and buildings creating a space that feels entirely our own. 

“You know, I’d like to make it through this holiday in one piece,” Juliana says eyeing the speedometer warily. “You don’t need to be going twenty-miles over the speed limit, Val.”

“No? Should I make it thirty?” I joke pressing the gas pedal further. 

“How about make it fifteen.”

“Kill joy.”

“I’d rather kill the fun than have you kill us,” she snarks back, but thanks me when I slow down, her back relaxing into the seat. Silence falls around us as we settle into our drive, the sounds of cars whooshing by and tires rolling hastily along damp asphalt. I glance at Juliana who has her head against the window, eyes staring out at the cars passing us. My eyes move back to the road in front of me and we continue in silence. 

“Okay, you seriously do not drive in dead silence, right?” She says shifting her body in her seat to look at me. I glance her way and shrug. 

“Sometimes,” I look back at the road. “If it’s too early in the morning and I’m going to work, which is like, ten minutes away, I don’t see the point of turning anything on.” 

“You’re not human,” she says in wide-eyed disbelief. “No music?” 

I shake my head. 

“Not even the radio?” 

Another shake. 

“Morning talk shows.”

Another shake. 

“Podcasts?” She asks in a last-ditch attempt.

“I really don’t listen to anything this early in the morning, my brain is barely functioning,” I shrug. 

“Oh, good, that makes me feel safe having you behind the wheel,” she tightens her seat belt. 

“Don’t be so dramatic, Juliana.”

“If I’m dramatic, you’re lazy. You can’t even bother to put the radio on. It’s one button!” She shakes her head incredulously. 

“I will kick you out of this car,” I threaten. 

“Okay, but just remember, you’re the one that needs me.” I look at her to find a cheeky grin staring back at me. I sigh and ignore her for the next ten-minutes until her incessant need for sound grates at my last nerves. She keeps repeating my name over and over and over again, and I swear I never thought I’d hate the sound of my own name. And yet this damn woman in my passenger seat has me flinching at the four syllables that make up my first name. I brake as I come up to a line of traffic and regard Juliana with the iciest glare I can muster.

“The radio, can we at least listen to that?” She grins, happy that she finally got my attention. I toss her the aux cord and let her play her own music. 

“Here, maybe you’ll finally shut up,” I grumble. 

“You like the sound of my voice, just admit it.”

“I like the sound your voice makes when your mouth is shut.” 

“Oh, so my moans?” I look at Juliana eyes wide, mouth agape, with zero response to her comment. She cackles wildly. “I’m sorry, you’re too easy to tease, Val.” I blush furiously and avert my gaze. 

“Don't tease me. Just listen to your damn music, okay?” I say and turn my attention fully back on the road as the cords of the first song drift through the speakers. 

***

Two hours in, and random assortment of songs later, and Juliana turns the volume down to ask me about my holiday traditions in my family. “I want to know what I’m walking into, so I can prepare for it,” she says. “Besides, if we’ve been dating for so long, I’m bound to have heard stories about it at some point, right?” 

“Yeah, okay,” I soft through my memories trying to corral the traditions I know my family keeps. “Well, the first night we’re all together, we do this huge dinner. There’s so much food it’s insane. Chivis and Tiberio like to do the cooking, and usually get my dad and Lucía to help when they need them. Mae and I were usually left on dish duty since everyone else help set up everything else.”

“Okay, I can handle that, I love doing dishes,” she admits and pulls her legs up onto the passenger seat. 

“I bet you do,” I chuckle picturing the dopily happy grin that would fall upon Juliana’s face as she dives into a pile of dirty dishes. “During dinner Tiberio goes around the table filling everyone’s cups with wine. He does it for every meal really. Any time your cup looks remote empty, he’s on his feet and pouring you more. Christmas Eve he breaks out the champagne and your glass never gets a chance to be less than half empty before he swoops in. We end up very drunk in this house. I try not to drink so much; I’ve used it as a crutch before, it’s not really a habit I want to fall back into.”

“That’s understandable,” Juliana says softly. 

“I mean, sometimes I get carried away when I’m in a good mood, but I’m more careful now.” I see her nod out of the corner of my eye. “Oh, and then there’s the annual family game night on the day before Christmas Eve,” I continue excitedly. “It’s this whole thing, we all split up into groups and plays different board games.”

“Why different groups?”

“A few years back there was, what we like to call it, Monopoly Gate. It went so horribly wrong. Uncle Johny was skimming money from the bank as the banker, my dad was giving false prices for landing on his spaces, Guille kept calling them on it. Eva too, but neither would listen. Chivis called Uncle Johny a ‘no-good-dirty-rotten-thief,’ which led to Lucho getting defensive of his dad. Guille and Eva were yelling at our dad. Lucía was trying to stop everyone from fighting. Renata and I were watching the whole thing unfold as Tiberio poured us another glass of wine. It was a whole mess that ended with the Monopoly board being thrown out the front door by Uncle Johny. Money, tokens, and all; it all ended up buried in the snow.”

“Oh, my God,” Juliana sputters out between hysterical laughter. She hides her face in her hands, hunching over slightly as she continues to laugh. I glance at her for a moment, her hands move away from her face as she leans back against the chair taking deep breaths. Her cheeks are bright red, her eyes water, but she’s smiling widely. 

“Your family is insane.”

“I know, I’m sorry, you can leave—” 

“Leave before I get to meet these people? Hell no, they sound like fun.” She wipes the corner of her eyes. “And I’m here to help you, remember? So, I promise not to help incite any incidents during game night.”

“Good to hear,” I smile back at her. 

“Okay, so what about Christmas Day? Or, like the tree?” 

“We’ll get the tree tomorrow. Eva and Mateo put themselves in charge of the trip, being the oldest, and because Bella gets the final say on the tree. If it doesn’t pass her inspection, it’s not good enough. But the past couple years Eva has been vetoing Bella’s choice because she’s picking really scrawny trees. I’m hoping to get Bella to go with us to get her the best tree.” I grin thinking about the little brunette girl with incredible sass and big brown eyes. Those years she didn’t get the tree she wanted was devastating to watch; she was so sad. Not because she didn’t get what she wanted, but because the tree would be alone for Christmas. I usually sneak off with Bella and buy her a hot chocolate to make her smile and she’s usually fine afterward, but I still wonder about those who are left behind or forgotten for the holidays. 

My gaze flits toward Juliana. 

What is it like to have no one to spend the holidays with? Even without Mae, I have always had my family. Juliana hasn’t had anyone in so long…but for now, she has me. And I hope that’s enough for her. 

“We go out with my siblings and cousin one of the nights, and we have dinner out with the whole family another night. When let the tree settle for a day or so, and then we decorate it. And the house too. It’s a little late in the month, but my dad likes to do it with us all there. Chivis likes to pull out our baby albums, and I try to keep them hidden.”

“I’m guessing that never works,” Juliana quirks an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth. 

“Nope, never,” I shake my head with a tiny smile. “Oh! And my absolute favorite is New Years Eve. There’s a little winter festival that happens in the town square. There’s vendors and food and games that the local schools and organizations put on. Near midnight, the Mayor comes out into the square and gives a little speech before the fireworks. It’s honestly right out of a fairytale, or some cheesy sit-com on TV. But I love it.”

“I’m excited to go.” 

“Me too,” I say and glance at the check the GPS. “We’ve got about one more hour to go, think you can remain preoccupied with something for that long?”

“Um, maybe?” She shrugs, “I guess we’ll find out.” She falls asleep a few minutes later leaving me to listen to whatever music comes on her phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They’ll finally meet the whole fam in the updates tomorrow! hope you enjoyed it this far


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to meet the family! Will Juliana be able to keep her act going as Valentina’s girlfriend? 
> 
> Also, I took so many creative liberties with family relations. I’ll put the connections in the end authors note just in case it gets a bit convoluted

I’m pulling into the driveway of my dad’s house less than an hour later and Juliana is still asleep. When I park the car and cut the engine, she startles awake with a gasp. I laugh at her and take in my childhood home. It sits at the end of along driveway, tucked away behind its own forest. The three-story white and red brick building has a wrap around porch with a small Christmas tree sitting beside the front door. Snow covers the front yard and path has been shoveled out to reach the front door. The driveway is lined with several cars that I recognize as my family members. 

“Wow,” Juliana breathes out. “How many freaking rooms does your house have?”

I shrug, “I’ve never counted.” She gives me a pointed look. “I really don’t know, my dad and Lucía renovated a few times, you know?” 

“Okay, fine, what about bedrooms?” 

“Enough for my family.”

“So, like, what? Eight?” 

“Something like that, yeah,” I shrug again and unbuckle. “Any other questions?” Juliana is still staring wide eyed at the house through the windshield. “Juliana.”

“Hmm?” She whips her head toward me. “Oh, yeah, just one. What exactly does your family know about ‘me.’” She makes sure to throw in the air quotes. 

“Not much, actually, nothing at all.”

“They don’t even know my name?” I shake my head. “How did you get away with that for a year?” She frowns in thought. 

“I’m not sure, I would just dodge their questions or tell them I’m not ready. They didn’t care as long as I appeared happy, she they didn’t push me,” I explain.

“Okay, I’ll just wing it then.”

“I don’t think that’s the best—”

“I’m kidding,” Juliana laughs and climbs out of the car. I do the same and we gather up our luggage. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Trust me, they’ll love me.” She smiles as she slams the trunk shut and walks off toward the door.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I mutter under my breath. It will be one thing for my family to accept Juliana as my girlfriend, but it will be another thing if they love her. They’ll want her to be apart of every family event. There will be another Mae sized hole in my family, and the relationship isn’t even real. I dutifully follow Juliana before she can reach the front door. She shoots me a reassuring smile as I pass her and climb the stairs. My boots hit the wooden steps with a loud thud calling attention to our impending entrance. “You ready?” 

“Stop stalling,” she says and gives me a light shove. I give her a pointed look before opening the front door and stepping into the foyer. It’s a large open space with boots piled by the door and a chest against the stairwell well. Brown hardwood floors cover the whole first floor and a set of carpeted stairs are visible as soon as we step inside. “Holy sh—” 

My dad comes quickly around the corner into the foyer from the family room. He smiles brightly and rushes right past me to Juliana. “It’s so nice to finally meet you—” 

Juliana mimics his smiles and stretches out her hand politely. “Juliana,” she clarifies. “And the pleasure is all mine, I’ve heard so much about you, Mr. Carvajal.” 

“I wish I could say the same, Juliana,” My dad shoots me a pointed look, but shakes her hand. “We’ll get to know each other soon enough.” My dad moves over to me and wraps me in a hug, asking a million questions about our drive, the weather, if we’re hungry. The rest of my family spills out of the family room and begins to introduce themselves to Juliana—who is playing her part as my girlfriend perfectly. She’s pleasant, kind, and shaking all kinds of hands. She remembers all their names, too. 

“I recognize you from Valentina’s pictures, you’re Bella, right?” Juliana crouches on the ground to talk to my niece. Bella nods shyly behind Eva and Mateo. “She didn’t do you justice, you are far prettier than any princess’s I’ve seen.”

“Even Cinderella?” Bella questions cautiously stepping out from behind her parents. 

“Oh, especially,” Juliana grins, “and Valentina was telling me you like to draw. Maybe we could draw something together.”

“Okay! I can show you the new markers daddy got me,” Bella grins at Juliana before running back to her dad. I’m standing there with a smile of my own—completely ignoring Eva who is rambling about something to me—watching as Juliana interacts seamlessly with my family. 

“Guille, it’s good to finally meet you,” she says as she shakes his hand and Renata wraps her in a surprise hug. 

“Valentina,” Eva scolds calling attention to me. My family’s eyes land on me as does Juliana’s. She smirks. “Were you listening to me?” 

“Not in the slightest,” I blush eyes still on Juliana. Eva follows my gaze. 

“Right,” she rolls her eyes, everyone laughs. “Okay, everyone, give the girls some room, don’t want to scare Juliana away.” 

“Still surprised she’s even real,” Guille jokes from the archway of the living room. My family laughs at my expense again; my blush intensifies. Juliana, the dutiful fake girlfriend she is, rushes to my side and kisses my cheek gently. 

“Very much real,” she laughs and grabs my hand. If my face gets any redder, my family will definitely start call me Rudolph. Juliana squeezes my hand and I look at her gratefully. My family starts to disperse as Lucía agrees to lead us upstairs to the room. 

“You’ll have to share a room, I hope that’s okay,” Lucía says as she leads us up the stairs. “Normally, we’d have you sleep separately, but we’re hosting the whole family this year and there’s isn’t much spare room.” 

“Oh, don’t worry, Mrs. Carvajal, this is perfect.” Juliana says warmly as Lucía pushes into my old bedroom. They have done a lot of remodeling, which meant getting rid of a lot of old furniture, but my pictures, trophies, and trinkets remain. We place our bags on the ground by the queen-sized bed and face my dad. 

“Please, call me Lucía,” she says. 

“Well, I promise this is perfect, thank you, Lucía.” They share a smile. 

“Yeah, we’ve shared a bed plenty of times,” I say with a playful lilt to my voice. 

“Valentina, I do not need to know,” Lucía steps back, slightly shocked at my words. 

“To sleep!” I add with a roll of my eyes. She shakes her head and starts to leave the room. 

“Come down whenever you are settled,” she closes the door behind her as she leaves. I grin widely at Juliana. I start to unpack my suitcase. All the furniture in the room is new besides the queen-sized bed that sits in the middle of the room adorned with blue bedding I’ve had since high school. A table sits at each side with little reading lamps on both. Across the room is a tall dresser next to the full bath. I move toward the dresser and put my clothes away. There’re a few old picture frames on the top of the dresser from high school and college. Juliana eyes the photos before wandering up to them; I stand still in the room eyes glued to one familiar face. Juliana’s standing next to me suddenly, her presence suffocating me. 

“Is that her?” She askes quietly, my lack of response is answer enough for her. I keep my gaze fixated on the last picture of Mae and I at my house. “She’s beautiful. You both look so happy.” 

“We were,” I whisper. “It was our last Christmas together. It was snowing, and we went for a walk outback. There’s a covered bridge over the river in our backyard and Mae had hung mistletoe from one of the beams. She was always doing these little things to make me smile especially because it can get so hectic here during the holidays. Guille took the picture, I wasn’t even aware of it until he gave it to me framed on Christmas morning.” I run my finger along the glass of the frame and sigh. 

“Val, I’m—” Juliana starts but I cut her off. 

“Don’t.” She shuts her mouth and nods. Juliana eyes me cautiously, but then starts to unpack and put her clothes away in the drawers that I left for her. We do so in silence. I toss my clothes in haphazardly and without a methods. She refolds her clothes, separating outfits by day, and doubling checking that she has everything she needs. I’m watching her bustle around from the bed. I take one last look at the picture of Mae and I before I tuck it away in the bedside table. My chest tightens as the darkness of the drawer hides away the last picture evidence of us. I try to push the thoughts of happier times away as Juliana and I head back downstairs to join the rest of my family. 

*** 

A few hours later, we’re milling around with my family. My dad and Lucía are in the kitchen with Silvina and Tiberio preparing the dinner for tonight while the rest of us catch up with each other. Guille is talking animatedly with Uncle Johny and Lucho in the far corner of the family room, both with a drink in their hands. Eva and Bella are on the floor having a tea-party with some of her toys. My eyes eventually find Juliana near the foyer talking with Renata. I left Juliana alone for a moment to go to the bathroom and when I came back, she seemed to be in a nice conversation with her. I didn’t want to interrupt, which left me leaning against the wall across the room taking in my family around me. It’s loud, hectic, and full of the rabble of conversations overlapping. It’s everything my holidays at home have always been. And Juliana is fitting right in. So far, no one suspects a thing, and a relaxed smile finds it way onto my face. 

The sound of footsteps on the hardwood signal someone’s entrance beside me. I turn to find Mateo standing there, an easy going smile on his face. “She’s cute, and very sweet,” Mateo nods his head in the direction of Juliana. 

“Oh,” I jump a little shocked by the comment. Mateo has never been a very vocal part of our family. He’s always been kind to me, and polite to everyone, but he has always preferred the silent role in the house. Being with someone with as dominant a personality as Eva, I can understand why he’s always so quiet. But he’s protective of me, just like Eva is. And ever since Mae died, he took the opposite stance of my family, he thought I needed time, that I shouldn’t jump back into dating so soon. I’m honestly shocked he’s showing some kind of approval. “Thanks, Mateo.” 

“Why aren’t you over there with her?” I tear my gaze away from Juliana and turn toward him fully. He has on a white and blue button up tucked into a pair of slacks. His dark eyes similar to Bella’s shining brightly and with warmth. 

“I don’t want to suffocate her,” I shrug looking between Mateo and Juliana. “She’s been doing fine on her own. See.” I point to where she is nodding and smiling at what Renata is saying. Mateo chuckles. 

“You’re so blind sometimes, Vale,” he lays a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Stop looking so far ahead, you’re going to miss the things right in front of your eyes.” He pauses. “Also, she’s been sending you help me eyes for the past twenty-minutes.”

“What?” I knit my brows together. “Really?” Mateo smirks and we both turn to look at Juliana again. She’s still smiling and nodding, but the closer I look the more I noticed it’s a strained expression. “Oh, fuck.” 

“Renata is great, but she can ramble for hours if you let her,” he shrugs. “Now, go save that girlfriend of yours, she looks miserable.”

I laugh, “thank you, Mateo.” I walk away and I hear him approach Eva and Bella. 

“Is there room for one more?”

“Duh, daddy!” Bella says happily. I smile and continue walking toward Juliana and Renata. Renata has her back to me, and I can see Juliana’s smile brighten when she notices my approach. 

“As much as I love my job, I can’t stand dealing with people all day every day, it can be exhausting, you know? I’m sure you understand, you work with people all day too, right, Juliana?” Renata says as I step up beside Juliana and take her hand. “Oh, Vale, hi!” 

“Hey, Renata, what’re you talking about?” I ask, Juliana squeezes my hand tightly. 

“I was telling Juliana about my job,” Renata says with a smile. “It seems we have a lot in common too! She’s very well read; incredibly smart, she’s taught me a few things already. I can see why she teaches.”

“Oh?” I look at Juliana with a smirk, and she shrugs, the corners of her mouth tugging upward. 

“The teenagers I work with are a rowdy bunch, but I love it. Teaching them about literature and symbolism…it keeps me busy. Especially since I also tutor a few of the city kids in my spare time,” Juliana explains. 

“I see,” Renata nods, “that’s very kind of you, Juliana. You must not have much free time until the summer.”

“Not even then,” Juliana feigns a sigh. “I help run summer school classes and tutor other students on the side all summer, so they can graduate or move up a grade level. I want the best for the students I work with. It’s worth having no social life.” 

“Except with me.” She looks at me with a soft expression. 

“Except with you.” She kisses my cheek and then turns back to Renata who’s looking at us fondly.

“If you’ll excuse us, I want to show Juliana the rest of the house.” 

“It was lovely talking to you,” Juliana says over her shoulder as I tug her up the stairs behind us.

“You too!” Renata calls out with a laugh. When we reach the top of the stairs the voices of my family below become muffled. I continue to tug Juliana around the corner and up the next flight of stairs to the third floor. There’s a door to my left and a wide-open room to my right that’s brightly lit and filled with several games.

“Did you bring me up here for a rematch? I’ll kick your butt this time.” Juliana released my hand and excitedly walks over to the pool table. I roll my eyes and take a seat on the couch in front of her. 

“Yeah, no, you wouldn’t win,” I say, “and that’s not why we’re up here.”

“Ah, got it, you wanted some alone time.” Juliana winks. 

“Can you be a normal person for five seconds, please?” I beg her. She concedes and puts the pool stick down before crossing the room to sit beside me. 

“Normal is subjective, but fine,” she says taking a deeper look at me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I shrug and tuck my feet up under my butt. 

“You don’t look fine.” Juliana mimics my position. 

“Look, I was just trying to get you away from Renata.” I tear my eyes away from her probing ones and focus on our reflections on the TV in front of us. 

“I’m a big girl, Val. I can take care of myself,” she says. 

I scoff, “you basically had a neon distress signal hanging over your head. Very inconspicuous, Juli.” 

“Oh, please, you were oblivious until five minutes ago! I was handling it.”

“You had the subtly of a hand grenade.”

“Renata is lovely and easy to converse with, but she is entirely too enthralled with her own life to even notice my discomfort. It was fine. Let it go,” Juliana gives me a stern look that send shivers down my spine and abruptly shuts me up. 

“Sorry,” I mumble, ducking my head. 

“You don’t have to protect me all the time, Valentina. I’m a strong woman.” She says and I lift my gaze to meet hers. Her agitation dissipates and is replaced with the easy going smile I’ve grown accustomed to over the last 72-hours. “And apology accepted. Now, are you going to challenge me to a game or are you too chicken?” 

“Would you like a house tour instead?” 

“Ah, too chicken, then. Afraid I’ll win?” She smirks and raises an eyebrow at me. 

“No, I just don’t need you getting lost in this house every day,” I say getting up from the couch and moving toward the stairs. 

“I only need to know where the bed is and where to find food. I’m easy to please,” Juliana says as she catches up to me.

“You don’t say…” I deadpan which lands me a quick smack on my arm from her. 

“Rude.”

“That’s not news to me,” I point out as we get to the second floor. Guille and Renata are coming out of their room by the bottom of the stairs and they smile at us. Guille throws his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into a hug, smushing my face against his shoulder. 

“It’s not news to any of us, Vale,” he jokes. “Good to know Juliana agrees with us on that one.” 

“Definitely,” Juliana nods. “I don’t know how I put up with her sometimes.”

“Juliana!” I squeak in panic hoping her words don’t come across as unloving partner. But Guille and Renata laugh. 

“You certainly have your hands full,” Guille says finally releasing from the hug. I punch his shoulder. 

“You all suck.” I cross my arms over my chest and feign a pout. 

“Ah, you did it now, Guille,” Renata says. 

“Hey,” he throws his hands up in defense, “not my fault. It’s a lover’s quarrel. No, kiss and make up you two.” 

“Wh-what?” I step back from the group and look at Juliana for help. She’s standing beside me as dumbfounded as I am. We may have been a little naïve thinking we could escape a family holiday without displays of affections like that. 

Before my brother can make another comment Lucía calls for him and Renata to come down to the kitchen for a moment. Guille pats my arm lightly as he walks by and Renata smiles brightly. They disappear down the stairs. 

“So,” I mutter, unsure what to say next. 

“How about that house tour?” Juliana readily suggests. We both seemingly shake the awkwardness from our postures and put our façades back on. We’re Valentina and Juliana; we’re happy and in love. And very obviously not faking dating to trick my family. Yup. It’s going well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silvina (Chivis) and her husband, Tiberio = Val’s paternal grandparents
> 
> Johny = Lucia’s brother 
> 
> Lucho = Johny’s son, Lucia’s nephew, and a pseudo cousin to the Carvajal kids 
> 
> Bella = I made up the name but she’s Eva and Mateo’s daughter 
> 
> I think that’s it? Otherwise, The family roles stay the same!


	8. Chapter 8

Showing Juliana the second floor was easy, it’s basically a giant square of rooms. Our room is next to Guille’s and Renata’s, and across the hall is where Lucho is staying. The master bedroom, my dad and Lucía’s room, is large, with their own walk in closet and spa like bathroom—one of the many things they put into the house during renovations. 

“What was the house like before all the renovations?” Juliana asks as we go down to the main floor where the rest of my family continues to mingle. Point out the rooms as we go by.

“That’s Uncle Johny’s room,” I point to the door at the bottom of the stair and then around the corner through the foyer, into the dining room, and to a hallway. “That’s a bathroom slash laundry room, it leads out to the back deck.” I gesture to the left, “that’s the pantry with al the snacks. So, help yourself when you’re hungry.”

“Val,” Juliana says, and I know she’s about to ask her question again. I continue my tour regardless. 

“And through the door straight ahead is what used to be the garage,” I say stopping by the door. “My dad and Lucía converted it into two separate apartments, kind of. The bottom floor is where Chivis and Tiberio live, like permanently. And the second floor is for Eva and her family when they come to visit. It’s easier to have their own space with a kid, you know?”

“Why did they renovate?” She asks, and I gesture for her to follow me to the basement. 

“When my mom died, my dad had a hard time raising the three of us. Chivis and Tiberio moved in temporarily to help him, but they ended up staying. My dad hired a company to renovate the garage into an in-law apartment, and they’ve been staying there ever since. The rest of the renovations happened when he married Lucía and Eva had Bella.”

“How old were you?”

“Sixteen. Eva and Guille were in college at that point. It was a tough time for all of us. My dad was trying to keep his business going and keep the three of us in good care, but it was difficult.”

“Wait, so has Christmas always been held here?” She asks as we finally make it to the basement.

“No, it used to be at Silvina’s house in the countryside. But when the renovations were finished there was enough room for the whole family. So, we moved it here,” I say and point to the door next to the stairs. “That’s the wine cellar, and this” I gesture at the whole basement, “is another game room. More of a lounge than anything else, but it’s further from the parents, so we can be louder here.” 

“Your house is massive.”

“I know.”

“Like, legitimately massive. What the hell do they do when no one is here?” Juliana gapes at me in disbelief.

“I mean, Silvina and Tiberio are always here…”

“Val.”

“I don’t know, Juliana. I’m not when no one else is, obviously. I’m sure they revel in the silence of not having to listen to the drunken shenanigans of Uncle Johny and the rest of us.” I shrug, and she continues to spin in a circle taking in the basement like it’s a modern marvel. Though, I guess in a way this house is. I don’t know what Juliana is used to, from what she’s told me it doesn’t sound like her life was even remotely similar to mine. “Are you overwhelmed?”

“Kind of…” She breathes quietly. “This house is ten times the size of mine growing up. We only had one bedroom and I slept on the couch when my dad was home. When he was away, I shared a bed with my mom, and I would dream of having a house like this. Big, full of life, and family.” She turns to me slowly; her face is devoid of any true emotion. I want to say something reassuring like she has for me. My mind runs through multiple things I could say, but none of them feel right. I open my mouth to say something, anything that could alleviate the guilt I feel for having this privilege, that could give her comfort for having a taste of this and getting it taken away just as quickly. As soon as I start to speak, the blank expression on her face melts away and transforms into a soft smile and warm eyes. “How about showing me the backyard?” 

“Uh, oh, sure, yeah, yeah,” I stutter, “follow me.”

“Always,” she grins. We got back up the stairs, slip our boots and jackets on and duck out through the laundry room. The snow has been shoveled off the deck and a path has been made across the lawn to the covered bridge. Juliana races off toward it. I laugh as I take my time following after her over the expansive backyard. It’s wide open space that’s surrounded by trees at the properties edge. The bridge sits over a river and leads to a smaller yard that we don’t use often. 

Juliana is standing against one of the railings on the bridge looking down at the river as it rushes underneath her. Snow covers the banks and rocks scattered across the water. She’s grinning as she watches the water move. I stand as the edge of the bridge staring through it like a telescope at the little cover of trees at the end of it. There are a couple wooden benches that sit in there year-round, but otherwise it’s unoccupied. It looks like a fairy’s den with the way the sunlight is refracting off the untrampled snow on the forest floor. The trees marking the edge of the lawn and the start of the forest floor. It looks like a keyhole to a private paradise, one I can get lost in…one that Mae and I use to hide away in during our trips here. 

The image of us laughing in the rays of sunlight breaking through the canopy of the forest above us the one summer we escaped to my parents’ house for a break from the city. We spent countless hours laying in the grassy cove, tucked neatly out of sight, giggling over my crazy family, or some stupid show we watched, or a book we were reading. We shared secrets, talked in hushed tones; this was our space, our little getaway. 

I see her, blonde hair shining in the setting sun. She smiles and reaches her hand out to me. 

I turn away blinking rapidly and shaking my head. 

Juliana turns and looks at me with a child-like smile. “It’s like straight out of a fairytale. Is a pumpkin carriage going to roll up any minute? Am I your Prince Charming in this; saving the damsel in distress?” 

I shake my head, laughing, “Are you suggesting I need saving?”

“I do believe I’m here for that exact reason,” she points at me, eyebrows raised challengingly. 

“Yeah, yeah, speaking of, we should probably head inside to help set up for dinner.”

“A few more minutes?” Juliana frowns slightly, jutting out her lower lip in a pout. 

I roll my eyes, but laugh nonetheless, “only because I’m hoping they’ll se the table without us. I’m feeling lazy.”

“Sure, sure,” Juliana nods and turns back to the river. I stand beside her and look down at the water. “You definitely fell victim to my pout, right?”

“Not in the slightest.” 

Okay, maybe a little. 

***

My hopes were answered. By the time Juliana and I came back inside, the table was set and Silvina was just calling out that dinner was ready. 

“Right on time,” Juliana says, then walks off toward the dining room. My stomach rumbles excitedly at the thought of food and I rush after Juliana. 

The dining room table is just large enough for all eleven of us. Silvina and Tiberio take the left end of the table, Bella sits across from Tiberio so the grandparents can gush over her. I don’t blame them, Bella is truly one of a kind. Eva and Mateo take seats across from each other, rounding out the end of the table as Bella’s fan club and watchful protectors. Renata sits next to Mateo and Guille takes his seat next to her. 

Juliana hesitates near the table, before I can reach her and help her out, Eva speaks up. “Juliana, sit here next to me.” Juliana looks freezes and looks to me. 

“I wouldn’t make her ask again,” I say and nudge her toward the chair. 

“I promise I won’t bite,” Eva says. “I just want to get to know the woman that healed my baby sister’s heart.”

Juliana takes her seat beside Eva, and I sit next to her giving her my hand for support. Her leg bounces nervously beside mine. My dad pulls up the head of the table, Uncle Johny to his left and Lucía to his right, and Lucho across from me. “I can’t take all the credit for that. You know, Val, she’s stubborn and strong-willed. She did most of the healing herself,” Juliana says with a shaky smile. 

“Cute and modest,” Eva nods. Everyone at the table is staring at the interaction, no one has ever seen Eva be this interactive with one of our partners before. She doesn’t typically approve of them. She rarely even gives Renata the time of day. The only other significant other Eva has ever taken a liking to was, well, Mae. She adored Mae. They all did really. She was magnetic, charismatic. And Eva fell under her spell like I did. 

Tiberio begins his usual rounds with the wine bottle. He passes by each person and gives us more than enough wine. I take a couple sips and thank him, and on his way back to his seat he stops again at every person to top their cups off. His wobbly gait making an uneven thump against the floor as he moves around. 

“Top you off, Vale?” His voice speaks above my head. I glance at my wine glass which is still relatively full. 

“Oh, no, I’m—” I start to say only for him to reach around me and fill my wine class back up. Everyone laughs. 

"If the glass never empties, you’ve only had one glass of wine,” Juliana jokes, grinning beside me. 

“I like the way she thinks,” Uncle Johny calls across the table, raising his glass in Juliana’s directions. She mimics the motion back, each taking a big gulp. Tiberio, ever aware of drink levels, rushes over with the wine bottle. 

“Tiberio, dear, just leave the bottle up there,” Silvina yells from the other side of the table. 

“But—”

“I’m sure they are more than capable of pouring their own drinks.” Tiberio frowns slightly but listens to his wife. He places the wine bottle in front of Uncle Johny before trudging back over to his seat. He perks back up when Silvina plants a sweet kiss on his cheek, though. 

Juliana leans closer to me and whispers in my ear, “they’re so adorable.” I smile in agreement and kisses my cheek similarly. A blush rushes up my neck and covers my face, my smile wavers before growing bashful. 

“Gay,” Lucho says. I shoot him a look. 

“You’re just jealous that you can’t get laid, Lucho,” I shoot back. 

He throws his hands up in defense, “who says I can’t get laid?” 

“No one, your face says it all,” I retort. 

“I bet I could make Juliana scream louder than you can,” he says smugly, shooting Juliana a languished wink. She gags beside me. 

“Yeah, I doubt that that.” Her face twists in disgust. Everyone at the table has their heads in their hands. 

“I was with a woman once,” Eva says breaking the staring contest between Lucho, Juliana, and me. The table falls dead silent. 

“Right on,” Juliana responds easily taking a sip of her wine. Eva and Juliana share a conspiratory grin. First Mateo laughs, followed by Guille, and then me, slowly the whole table begins to erupt in laughter before my dad calls for everyone’s attention. 

“Thank you all for kindly getting here on time,” he shoots a playful glare in my direction. “It’s not easy getting the whole family together for this. I know it can get crazy here, especially when Johny’s had too many drinks or Valentina loses to our prank battles.” 

“I don’t lose, you cheat!” I yell. Juliana pats my arm comfortingly. 

“I love seeing my kids home and happy with their respective partners. Mateo thank you for not running the other way when your first Christmas experience was Monopoly Gate.” Juliana stifles a giggle next to me; I gently smack her thigh under the table. “Renata, I know you’re not new to this, but I apologize for everything you have witnessed thus far. Run while you still can.” 

“Dad!” Guille shouts, his face reddening. Renata calms him down before she speaks. 

“Don’t worry, I keep my bags packed in case I need to make a late-night getaway,” she jokes. 

“Smart move,” my dad nods approvingly with a hint of a smirk. He turns his attention to Juliana and me; his facial expression softens. Everyone at the table is looking at us carefully, and I’m waiting for the words that I know will come. “Juliana, you’ve already been given Eva’s seal of approval, which only means good things. But, despite only knowing you for less than a day, I can already see that you bring out the best in Valentina. I’ve seen glimpses of my little girl that I haven’t seen in a long time. Don’t break her heart.”

“I don’t plan on it, Mr. Carvajal,” Juliana nods respectfully and grabs my hand bringing it to her lips to kiss. 

“Now, I hope you all remembered to wear your stretchy pants because we got a lot of food to eat!” He claps his hands together, which is his signal that we can eat, and slowly sits down in his chair. Dinner is filled with delicious turkey and so many sides I can barely choose. Throughout the whole meal there is idle chatter across the whole table. Eva has Juliana trapped in a conversation, though it doesn’t seem like Juliana is too bothered. Lucho keeps trying to steal the rest of my wine, only for Lucía to swat his hand away for me. Uncle Johny winks and slides Lucho his own glass. Lucía and I shake our heads, rolling our eyes in dismay. 

Eventually, everyone starts to dissipate. Eva and Mateo bring the dishes into the kitchen. Guille and Renata pack the leftovers away. And Lucho, Juliana, and I rinse the dishes and put them into the dishwater to be cleaned. Everyone slowly retires to their rooms with mumbles of “goodnight” and “see you in the morning.” 

Juliana and I get to our shared room, when the door closes, we stare at the lone bed in the room, neither of us moving toward it. I completely ignore it for the moment, opting to get ready for bed. I grab my sleepwear and toiletries and disappear into the bathroom. I’m hopeful by the time I get out of the bathroom Juliana will have just picked the bed and fallen asleep and I can get away with sleeping on the floor. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, or myself for that matter. I haven’t shared a bed with anyone since Mae died. The idea that someone else will be filling the space beside me that had been hers for five years breaks me in two. I spend a couple extra minutes in the bathroom trying to pull myself together before going back out to the room. 

When I emerge, Juliana is slipping back into the room with her day clothes in one hand and her toiletries in the other. 

“Where’d you go?” I ask twisting my hair up into a messy bun. 

“Downstairs.” She puts her stuff away. “You were taking too long, and I had to pee.” I nod shifting from one foot to the other. “You ready to cuddle?” She just her chin at the bed with a waggle of her eyebrows. 

“I’ll take the floor; the bed is all yours.”

“You’re not sleeping on the floor.” I ignore her and gather a pillow and blanket from the bed setting up a makeshift bed on the floor. “Val, you really don’t have to sleep on the floor. I can. This is your room, com on.” I’m already tucked under the blanket. 

“Goodnight, Juls. Don’t forget to turn the light off.” I hear her sigh, but give up, nonetheless. The room is quickly flooded with darkness and the bed groans as she settles onto it. 

“Goodnight, Val.”

I shift to my side. 

And then my other side. 

My back. 

My stomach. 

Repeat. 

I have no idea how much time has passed but I can’t get comfortable for the life of me. It’s like I’m laying on a bed of nails. I sigh trying another position. And another. 

“Just get up here and stop making it weird,” Juliana says from the bed. I don’t move. “I know you want to cuddle.” I can hear the sarcasm beneath the sleepily flirtatious voice. I wait another minute before begrudgingly pulling myself up from the floor and into the bed. 

“Just to clarify, I didn’t come up here to cuddle, okay?” I sink into the soft plush that is the mattress and let out a delighted sigh. 

“Of course, whatever help you sleep at night.”

We’re both asleep in minutes. 

When the sun rises and blindingly streams through the window, I wake up to close the curtains we forgot to shut last night. A heavy weight is on my chest, something tickling my nose. 

Whose foot is that? I think, blinking away the sleep and look down. 

Juliana has her head resting on my chest, her hair brushing against my nose, my arm wrapped around her, our legs a tangled mess under the blankets. My body heats up at the realization. I quickly untangle myself and shut the curtains, enveloping the room in darkness again. I crawl back into bed trying to give myself more distance from Juliana before falling back asleep. 

It’s no use. 

When I wake up later, we’re intertwined once again.


	9. Chapter 9

I spend a large part of the next morning avoiding Juliana. She sleeps in pretty late, which makes it easier on me. I hide out in the kitchen with my dad and Lucía chatting idly over coffee while the rest of our family sleeps in. We’ve always been the early risers in the family. My dad likes to be awake early to get a head start on the news, and Lucía goes into the school early to prep for her classes. And I, I can never seem to sleep peacefully. Once it’s a decent hours in the morning to be awake, I am. Which is how I end up in the kitchen at eight in the morning hunched over the granite island nursing a large cup of coffee in my hands. 

“How is Juliana liking it here?” Lucía takes a seat next to me. 

“Yeah,” my dad echoes. “Did she find the spider I hid in the bed yet?” Lucía throws a sugar packet at him. 

“She loves it.” I lift the cup to my lips ignoring their interaction. “She—well, she doesn’t have any family, actually.”

“Oh, that poor girl,” Lucía says with a frown. 

“She has us now.” My dad comes around the table to sit on the other side of me. “We’ll be her family, so long as she makes you happy, that is. She breaks your heart and it’s to the guillotine with that one.”

“León,” Lucía scolds. 

“What? The blade hasn’t been sharpened in a while! I doubt it could decapitate, maybe seriously injure.” He scratches his chin and scrunches his brow looking off into the distance, nods to himself, and says, “but definitely not decapitate.” 

“You do not have a guillotine, dad,” I groan. 

“Yes, I do!” He protests. He goes over to a cabinet and pulls out a mini replica guillotine.

“Why on earth do you have that, León?” Lucía asks tiredly. 

“Sometimes I cut food with it,” he shrugs. “Adds a little 18th century flair, you know?”

“Okay, but where did you get the urge to have one of those?” I ask. 

“There was a story a while back that we had run in the newspaper about a local man who builds replicas of old devices, like guillotines, catapults, and what not. During the interview he let me try out a few of them. I’ve never had more fun cutting a watermelon in half, let me tell you,” my dad grins. “He gave me this little one as a gift!” My dad puffs out his chest proudly and happily as he lifts his miniature guillotine up. Lucía looks at me as if I can explain my dad’s behavior. 

“Don’t look at me, you married him.” 

“I’m not sure why,” she takes her coffee and walks out of the room. When she’s out of hearing range I turn to my dad with a smirk. 

“Want to slice some bananas with it?” I pull a banana form the fruit bowl on the table. He grins mischievously back at me and takes the banana from my hand. He wraps an arm around my shoulder and tugs me into his side, planting a kiss to my head. 

“I knew you were my favorite.”

*** 

Later in the day, my siblings, our partners, and Lucho end up at the Christmas tree farm on the outskirts of town. A large rock sits at the front of the property, Barbara’s Christmas Tree Farm, painted in green and red, accompanied by a pine tree. We pull into the dirt lot in two separate cars; Lucho, Juliana, and I are in my car while Eva, Mateo, Guille, and Renata are in the other. We all pile out of the cars bundled in our winter jackets, hats, and scares to search for the very best Christmas tree out favorite niece can find. 

“Alright, Bella, pick us a good one,” I say as she leads us fearlessly into the forest of pine trees. We’re like a small army marching behind our valiant leader; except Bella is giggling and skipping ahead of. Eva and Mateo stick close to their daughter, Guille and Renata have disappeared down to another area of trees, leaving me alone with Juliana for the first time today. Which isn’t ideal for me. 

I haven’t shaken the odd sensation that settled itself in the pit of my stomach this morning when I woke up snuggled into Juliana. It felt off in a way I can’t begin to fathom, let alone put into words. But a part of me is exponentially guilty for being close to another woman, a woman who isn’t my girlfriend, and who is mostly definitely not Mae. 

“Hey,” Juliana bumps her shoulder against mine, “how’d you sleep?”

“Fine,” I say taking a couple steps away from her. 

“Just fine? I’m sure the bed was more comfortable than the floor.” She smiles at me and steps closer to me as we walk amongst the trees trailing a little ways behind Eva, Mateo, and Bella. “I slept like a rock; that bed is so much more comfortable than the one in my apartment. Also, when’d you get up today? You weren’t there when I woke up.” Up ahead, Bella is circling a tree, running her fingers over the pine needles and sizing it up with awe. 

“Too tall,” she states seriously and moves onto another tree that has caught her eye. 

“Around eight,” I say. “Couldn’t sleep anymore.” 

“Well, it was cold without you,” Juliana says checking out a tree to our right. It’s short, and thick, and very green, but Bella is much more enthralled with the shorter scrawnier one at the edge of this cluster. “You kept me pretty warm last night.” 

I trip over my feet and turn to her wide eyed, she reaches out to me and clasps my hand to keep me upright. “Wh-what?” My mind flashes to our bodies tucked together, her breath tickling my collarbone, her knee so close to my—

“You’re like a furnace! Honestly, you emit a ridiculous amount of heat. You’re like my own personal space heater, it’s great!” She grins, still holding my hand. She turns away from me and catches something that makes her smile grow. I’m too busy trying to decipher her words. 

Does she remember? Was it on purpose? Does she even care? Wait, why do I care? I think to myself. 

“Looks like Bella found her tree. Come on, Val.” She tugs me forward and out of my thoughts. As we get closer to Bella, I notice the tremble of her lower lip. Eva is crouched in front of her as she talks in hushed tones and Mateo nods along with whatever she is spewing out of her mouth. I instantly flare up angrily. 

“Goddamn it,” I curse, pulling my hand out of Juliana’s grasp and rush toward Bella. 

“It’s just not a good tree, honey, you can try again next year,” Eva says before kissing her forehead and standing up. “Now, I think I saw the perfect one toward the front.” Eva wanders off and Mateo tries to coax his daughter along with them. 

“We’ve got her, Mateo,” I say coolly, and he nods. Bella quickly moves over to me and wraps her arms around my legs. Juliana is staring at the tree Bella wants with an ever-growing grin. The tree isn’t much taller than Bella and doesn’t have much to the body; Eva wasn’t wrong. It’s not a good tree for the living room. 

“Everyone keeps laughing at it,” Bella says as she pulls away from me. She situates herself between me and Juliana and takes our hands. We all look at the tree silently. 

“I’m sorry, munchkin,” I finally say and give her hand a firm squeeze. Bella doesn’t say anything for a few moments and then releases my hand and stands sadly in front of the tree. 

“Auntie Val,” Bella looks at me seriously. “Do you think this tree will get a nice home? I don’t want it to be alone on Christmas. Nothing deserves that.”

Juliana and I share a look.

“Say, Juli,” I smirk at her, “don’t you think this tree would look beautiful in the game room?”

“Why, Val, I do believe it would,” Juliana answers back. Bella looks between us curiously before it dawns on her. 

“Really?” She yells smiling widely at us. “It’s coming home with us?”

“Yup.” I bend down and pick up the tree and start walking toward check out. Bella runs ahead of us excitedly. 

“Is your sister going to be mad?” Juliana asks. 

I laugh, “she’s going to kill me.” And she tries. When we get home, Eva pulls me aside and starts lecturing me about babying Bella and that she’ll never learn how to handle rejection if I hand her everything she asks for. I listen to her rant, and rave, and carry on for twenty minutes before I finally get a chance to speak. 

“Maybe, you should stop and ask your daughter why she wanted that tree in the first place,” I say. “You might learn a thing or two about empathy.”

“Don’t tell me how to parent my child, Valentina.”

“Don’t punish positive traits in your child and I wouldn’t have to,” I retort and walk out of the room to find Bella. Her and Juliana are in the game room with the little tree, a bunch of string, popcorn, and candy canes. 

“Aunt Juliana said that this is the best stuff to decorate with!” Bella exclaims. Juliana shoots me a smile and a shrug. 

“My mom and I used to do it when I was a kid.”

“Sounds good to me.” I take a seat on the ground by the tree and Juliana and Bella follow my lead. Eventually it’s just me stringing popcorn together while Bella counts how many pieces of popcorn Juliana can catch in her mouth. The odd sensation I felt this morning worms it’s way back into the pit of my stomach as I watch the two of them goof around. 

I squash it down as soon as I can. 

We spend the rest of the day stringing popcorn garlands and places candy canes on the strongest branches we can find. I don’t think I’ve seen Bella, or Juliana, smile this much. It was definitely worth my sister’s wrath.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: talks of suicide, death, gang violence ahead. Please take the necessary precautions to ensure your safety and well being. 
> 
> Cutesy little ending to the chapter as well.

The second night of the holidays is always hibachi night. We pile into several cars with plenty of room to spare and head off to the nearest hibachi place, Ukiyo Japanese Steak House. There are so many of us we get both sides of the table to ourselves, and two chefs to cook for us. They recognize us from all the previous years and happily make sure to make each of us take a Saki shot. 

The chef is banging his knife on the grill counting how long Guille has been taking the steady stream of Saki into his mouth. The chef eyes widen as Guille continues without stopping. 

“Guillermo!” Renata yells at Guille horrified. The chef lowers the Saki bottle and Guille gives him a look. 

“I wasn’t done,” he states blandly, but the chef has his back turned to start preparing the food. Guille grumbles but settles back into his seat. 

Juliana leans over to him, “don’t worry, we’ll order some shots.” Guille perks up immediately. “If anyone asks, it was Valentina’s idea.”

“You’re a mischievous one, aren’t you?” Guille chuckles and Juliana smirks. He looks over at me with a glint in his eyes. “I like her.” My eyes meet Juliana’s and we share a quick smile before turning my attention to Guille. “Don’t let this one go, you don’t meet woman like this very often.” He leans over and kisses Renata’s cheek, disengaging from our conversation. The words leave a sour taste in my mouth and a hefty knot in my stomach. Juliana notices my discomfort and slyly squeezes my knee under the table. Everyone around the table is in various states of conversation. My dad and Lucía are chatting with the chefs, Uncle Johny and Lucho are sneaking shots when my grandparents aren’t looking, Eva is paying attention to Bella, and Mateo is staring at me. His eyebrow quirked, his mouth set in a concerned line; he tilts his head at me in question. 

I avert my eyes and pretend I didn’t see him. 

My eyes drift toward Juliana; she’s laughing with Lucía, her eyes bright and full of life. The dim light of the restaurant makes it difficult to see, but it wouldn’t make a different because I’m only looking at Juliana. I can make out the contours of her face, the curve of her body, the little fly away hairs falling out of her bun. 

The sound of cheering breaks through the static noise in my head and a hand grips lightly at my arm. I blink and I’m looking at Juliana. She’s smiling, but her eyes are searching mine cautiously. “Where’d you go just then?” She asks, but the words a garbled, like I’m underwater. “Val?” She takes my hand in hers and squeezes it intermittently, the sensation slowly starts to become more and more real as time progresses. My agency over my body returns and I squeeze her hand back. 

“I’m okay,” I say. She regards me skeptically, but nods. Across the room the chef is tossing vegetables for each of us to catch. I attempt to shake the disorientation and get my head back into the right space to participate in my family’s favorite competition. No one in my family has very good hand eye coordination, which leaves a lot of vegetables scattered across the floor around us. Renata is the only person to catch on in his mouth, grinning wickedly at the rest of us. 

“Don’t let me down, Guille, we have to show these people who’s the best,” She says with his mouth full. 

“I got this,” Guille says grinning cockily. The chef tosses the vegetable easily to him whose mouth is wide open, head tilted back, ready to catch it. It hits him in the middle of the forehead and falls to the ground. “Again.” He says angrily, his face reddening under the scrutiny of the family. The chef obliges and the vegetable hits Lucho in the eye, making him cry out. 

We all erupt into laughter. 

“Good job, Guille,” Lucho wheezes between laughter. “You definitely would win if the game was not catching it at all.” 

“Best one out of three?” Eva suggests. “Maybe this time you could just use your hands. You might have better luck.” Guille glowers at them angrily. 

“I don’t know,” I weigh in chuckling. “Guille doesn’t seem to have much skill with his hands either. If he did, Renata might not be so grumpy all the time.” Lucho, Eva, and I fall into another round of hysterics. The rest of the adults have tuned out. Mateo pats Guille on the back sympathetically on the back, but Guille brushes him off. I can see him mutter something from across table, “got something to say, vegetable head?” 

He glares at me. “If you keep attacking me like this, I’m might kill myself.” My breath catches in my throat. I know he’s joking. I know he doesn’t mean it. But the words slice through me like a knife; my old wounds open and pour out of me. I can’t breathe. It burns. His eyes widen when he realizes what he said. My whole family is looking at me carefully trying to gauge the situation. I remember those looks well—‘on a scale of one to ten, from everything’s fine to she’s going to lock herself in her room for a week, how bad is it?’ 

I’d say ten. 

“Shit, Val, I didn’t mean—” He starts but I don’t wait around to hear him finish. I push my seat back hastily and rush out of the restaurant. I burst through the door of the restaurant out onto the street, tears welling up behind my eyes. There’s snow falling around me. I don’t have my coat. Fuck. I wheeze. Tears spill down my face and freeze before I can even wipe them away. I hear the door open behind me. 

“Go away,” I say immediately thinking it’s one of my family members. 

“What kind of girlfriend would I be if I let you freeze out here alone?” Juliana says as she walks up beside me. She has my jacket in her hands. “Put this on.” I don’t argue. 

“We were just joking around,” I mutter weakly. “We always tease each other, it’s what we do.”

“I know.” 

“I didn’t think he would say that. Of all people, you know?” I look up to the sky, snowflakes falling on my face, melting immediately and joining the river running down my cheeks. “He’s been my rock this whole time, especially after Mae died. I just didn’t expect him to—” A broken sob explodes from my tightly pressed lips. “Fuck. Shit. I hate this. I’ve tried so fucking hard to not—it’s been hell. Being here without her, pretending like I don’t still love her.”

“You can still love her, Val. No one said you had to stop.”

I bitterly laugh through the sobs, “my family’s actions said it. Forcing me to go on dates, acting like her death was irrelevant; that I shouldn’t still be stuck on her. Bullshit. It’s been three years, Juliana. Three years and I can’t—” I kick maliciously at the ground sending a chuck of frozen snow flying across the street. It breaks against a building’s exterior wall. 

“Come on,” Juliana says gently, “I’m taking you home.” I look back at the restaurant and then at her again. “I already told your parents I was going to and to bring our food home for us.”

“Oh, okay.” My shoulders sag. 

“Okay?” She offers me her hand. 

“Yeah, okay,” I take it and let her lead me to the car and away from my family. 

The ride home I’m in a daze. Nothing seems real to me. I close my eyes and expect something different whenever I open them. Maybe Juliana, maybe it’s Mae. Maybe this whole vacation is just one long horrible nightmare that I’ll wake up from. Please let me wake up from this. 

Juliana gets me home quickly and persuades me to get into comfortable clothes. We lay in our bed silently. She scrolls mindlessly next to me on her phone as I stare at the ceiling. I reach in the draw of the side table beside me blindly and pull out the picture of Mae and I on the covered bridge. I trace her figure with my eyes remembering every curve, every nook, every line of her like it is second nature. And it was. Five years. Five years I spent committing each detail to memory. Five years loving her. Five years with her by my side just to have her suddenly ripped away from me. 

“I came home late the day she killed herself,” I say into the silence. I hear Juliana put her phone down. “I left work and went to the jewelers on my way home to pick up an engagement ring. They were resizing it for me. It was perfect, simple, classic, but so fucking beautiful. I saw it and I knew it was the one. I was going to propose to her that night.” 

“You don’t have to tell me any of this,” Juliana whispers.

“She didn’t believe in grand romantic gestures. She always said that if you really loved someone they would know, and you wouldn’t need to prove it with an elaborate proposal. I was going to ask her over dinner, plain and simple. I worked on my speech all the way up to our apartment. I had it memorized,” I sigh and rub my face. “I walked through the door and I knew something wasn’t right. I called out to her, and she always, always responded. But—but this time she didn’t and that’s when I found her in the bathroom. There was so much blood. Fuck, I couldn’t believe it, you know? I thought she was happy; she was in therapy and taking her medication. Or I thought she was…her pill bottles were full, and she hadn’t picked up her prescription in a while. But I just—I didn’t fucking see it coming.” Hot, wet tears slid down my face and tickle going down my neck. 

“I was so absorbed in my own world, I hadn’t even noticed that something was wrong. Where did I miss it? How could I fucking miss it? Five fucking years with her, Juliana. I knew everything about her, all her mannerisms, ticks, and tells. And I didn’t see this fucking coming. I keep thinking that I could’ve done something more, I could’ve been there for her. If I hadn’t been late coming home would she still be alive? If I paid just a little more attention would she be here for Christmas? If—” 

“You can’t do that, Val…” 

“Do you think I want to?” I mumble uselessly back. “Do you think I want to make myself sick everyday wondering what if, what if, what if? ‘Cause I don’t. I want to be okay, but I’m not. It’s not fair, Juliana, don’t you get that? It’s not fair that she’s dead and I’m alive. I should’ve been better for her. I should’ve—I should’ve—I don’t know! I don’t know…I miss her.” 

Juliana is quiet for a few minutes before speaking softly. “My parents weren’t the best people. My mom, Lupe, she tried her best for me, but she didn’t try hard enough to get away from my dad. He was a hitman for a local gang. I didn’t know about it for the longest time, I mean, I knew there was a gang, but not that my dad worked for them. He was just dad to me, Marcario. To everyone else, he was El Chino. 

“I was in seventeen when I found out. Some kids in my school started putting together that El Chino Valdés was the same as Marcario Valdés. I confronted my mom about it, we got into a screaming match. She kept saying he was a good man, a good father, that he did what he had to for us to stay alive. Except, he killed the leader of a rival gang. They came after him; found our home. They killed my mom for trying to protect him, and then they killed him. I had left the house after my fight with my mom to cool off, and I came home to find the house surrounded by the other gang. I hid in the woods, waiting for them to leave when I heard the gun-shots. I could’ve done something. I could’ve called the police or saved them. But…I didn’t. I blamed myself everyday for a long time. I thought it was my fault, that I could have saved them if I acted faster, if I wasn’t so pissed at the world for giving me a hit man for a father. But I can’t change that. I can’t change what became of my parents, or my family. I can’t change the lot in life I was given. Instead, I think of the few and far between happy memories I had with them. I gathered them up in my mind. Whenever I felt guilty, or sad, or alone, I would just whip out a story about them. It doesn’t bring them back, it doesn’t change who they were, but it makes it easier. It makes missing them easier.”

“I’m sorry,” I say for a lack of better words. I can’t fathom the idea of growing up in such an environment. My life has been a walk in the park compared to that. I know I have privilege, but until now I hadn’t really seen how much worse life could have been. Juliana, this beautiful woman who has done so much already to keep my stupid lie going, is overwhelmingly kind and giving, and yet comes from the kind of childhood and past that many say should turn you into a monster. But it didn’t; she’s been through hell and came out stronger, sweeter, understanding. I’ve spent our whole time together talking about my lost love and my pain, but I didn’t stop to ask about hers. “I’m sorry,” I say again, “I had no idea.”

“Don’t be, I am who I am now because of my past.” She waves me off. “I didn’t tell you that for pity or sympathy, I’ve made my peace with it. You know, despite everything I went through with my parents, despite the amount of time that’s past since then, I still miss them. And I know it doesn’t feel like the same as losing a girlfriend, but they were a huge part of my life, just like Mae was in yours. You’re allowed to miss her, you know that, right?”

“I guess,” I shrug. 

“No, you are. You can miss her. You can still love her. But don’t think for a second that it’s your fault she’s gone.”

“How do you know that? How do you know for sure that I couldn’t have stopped her?” 

“Because nothing was going to stop me from killing myself when I was nineteen,” She says. “Nothing was going to save me but myself. I was on my own. I was scared, and alone, and felt insurmountable guilt about my parent’s death. I didn’t want to be alive, I didn’t want to live when I believed it was my fault my parents had died. Nothing anyone said was going to change my mind; not the random stranger on the street, not the counselors at the homeless shelter, not the few friends I made along the way. Nothing would have changed my mind. I almost did it too, but at the last second, I couldn’t. I talked myself out of it, and I made a change in my life for myself.

“I can’t speak for everyone, Val. I can’t speak for Mae. But, for me, and other’s I’ve talk to in group therapy, once we made up our minds, there was no way to stop us unless we wanted to.”

“What changed your mind?” I ask. 

“My parents died helping the wrong people, by making bad choices, and loving those who didn’t deserve it. Killing myself wouldn’t eliminate the guilt I felt, it wouldn’t change the horrible things my dad had done. But staying alive? Fighting to be a better person? Trying to help those that need it; redeeming my parents through my actions? That’s why I stayed alive,” she explains after a brief moment. “I find comfort in the stories I have of them, the good ones. I try not to dwell on the bad ones.”

I shift in the bed so I’m laying on my side looking at Juliana’s side profile. “I feel like Mae is fading from my memories, all these days keep passing by and I feel like I’m losing my grip on who she was and who I was with her.” Juliana nods and gives me a reassuring smile. 

“You’ve been dwelling on her death, I think you need to remind yourself of the good times, you know?” Juliana turns on her side to face me. 

“It hurts to think about.” 

“Doesn’t thinking about her death hurt too?” She points out. Our bodies are close on the bed, or legs touching just slightly. I can feel the heat of her body seeping into mine. 

“Yeah, but…” I try to argue, but she quirks her eyebrow at me begging me to continue. I shut my mouth. 

“Okay, look. I’m not going to coerce you into it.” She rolls over and puts her head against the pillow, eyes staring up at the ceiling. “But it could be beneficial to not dwell on the negatives occasionally. Let yourself experience the good stuff too; or relive it in this case. You’ve spent this long punishing yourself, don’t you think it’s time you allow yourself to be happy again?” 

I don’t have anything to counter her words with; I let them sink in and fill up the space in my head that’s telling me she’s wrong. I don’t think she is. I don’t want her to be. My entire relationship with Mae was, what I believed to be, straight out of a fairytale. We had our fights, our bad days, but we never stopped trying to make the other happy. She would do anything to ensure my happiness. But it doesn’t sit right with me to be happy without her.

Juliana’s words leave me pondering for a long while, I don’t even realize I dosed off until I wake up in a pitch-black room save for the sliver of light streaming in from the hallway. Hushed voices slither through the crack and reach me with a barely audible hiss. 

“Thank you for taking care of her and being here for her,” Guille whispers in the hallway. 

“Always,” Juliana answers back, “for as long as she’ll have me.” There’s a prolonged pause before my brother speaks again. 

“I didn’t mean to—" His voice comes out loud and rough, breaking his sentence off midway. “I didn’t mean to say that. I mean, I didn’t want to hurt her. She’s my best friend, I would never—” He whispers, his voice choked up. 

“She knows that, Guille. And she loves you so much, she’s just having a hard time right now. Being home, being without her, it’s hard for her.”

“How are you—how are you so calm about it?” The floor in the hallway creaks as they move around. 

“I would never ask Val to stop loving Mae, to stop missing her. What they had was beautiful, I’m sure. And I know I will never replace her, and that’s okay,” Juliana says softly. “I care deeply about her. She—she’s a tough nut to crack, but it was worth it. Coming here, being with her…I’d do anything to make sure she was happy and taken care of. She deserves it.”

“She’s lucky to have you,” My brother says. 

“And she’s lucky to have you.”

“Not after tonight.” 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. She’s not mad, just taken by surprise. It was a lot. Talk to her tomorrow, okay? I promise, it’ll be okay.” The floor creaks again and footsteps walk away from my door while Juliana slips back in. The light disappears, and she’s left blindly bumping into furniture in the room. Eventually, the bed dips and she slides beneath the blankets beside me.

 _When did I get under the blankets?_

She remains on her side of the bed, but I can feel her restless energy. She jostles the bed as she flips and turns and tosses. Her body moves closer to the middle while she does her shuffling. Heat radiates off her body. I can tell she’s closer to me, but she hasn’t stopped moving. It’s making it impossible to fall back asleep. Well, that and the conversation she had with my brother. 

I’m groggy, confused, barely awake, and I just need her to settle down. So, I roll over to my other side, eyes closed, to face her. She stiffens like she’s holding her breath. The tension releases from her body the minute my arm lazily falls over her waist.

The bed doesn’t jostle again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes more Guille and Vale talking and bonding and also Juliana and a flustered Valentina. (i love writing it the other way around!) Enjoy!!

The next day I do my best to stay out of my family’s way. Juliana is a champ, though. She goes downstairs to hang out with them while I wallow away in our room. She tried to stay, but I begged her for time alone. I needed space. And she was willing to give me that. I think they’re baking cookies today. I can intermittently hear the mixer whirring and the sound of laughter floating up the staircase, but I don’t budge from the bed. I know I should go down there and be with them, but I remain rooted in my spot on the bed staring out the window into the backyard. 

There were so many Christmas’s I spent with Mae here baking cookies, decorating the tree, having massive family snowball fights. She was a part of our family from the first moment I brought her home as my best friend, and not much later, my girlfriend. She fit in so seamlessly with my family, it’s hard to imagine her not standing beside me whenever I’m home. It’s like a part of me is missing without her. 

I stare at the empty space of bed beside me and curse myself for thinking any of this was a good idea. I should’ve just owned up to being single and disinterested in dating anyone that isn’t Mae. Now I’m stuck in this ridiculous situation with Juliana who would probably rather be relaxing at home without a worry in the world. Instead, I’ve trapped her here with me and my stupid, pitiful baggage that she doesn’t give a fuck about. I give her credit though, she’s good. She almost has me convinced were dating and that she actually cares about me. Maybe she should have majored in theater instead of education because clearly, she’s talented. She has my whole family duped. 

The picture of Mae is sitting on the bedside table now. Juliana basically demanded that I leave it out. “She’s a part of who you are,” she said last night. “You’ll feel better not burying her away all the time.”

I’m not so sure about that. The more I look at the photograph, the more the hole in my chest aches. It feels like a sinkhole that’s getting bigger and bigger, swallowing up everything around it. I wonder if there will be anything left in its wake… 

I flip the picture frame over hiding mine and Mae’s faces before getting dressed and sneaking down the stairs. Hiding out in that room wasn’t helping me any. It’s surrounded by memories of Mae, and now Juliana. Not that Juls has anything do with it. I mean, other than being there for me last night…and the cuddling. Not that it was significant, it was just for comfort. And to get her to stop fucking moving around. 

My family doesn’t see me slip my coat out of the front hall closet or slither out the front door and out of sight. Snow crunches under my boots as I walk around the house. There isn’t a direct path to the backyard, but a small path that weaves through the trees to the right of the house. Guille and I thought it would a good idea one Christmas when we were younger to cut a path through the trees so we wouldn’t have to constantly go through the house to get to the backyard. It made playing in the snow and ambushes during snowball fights easier. Except, I snuck up on Lucho while he was holding a large branch and scared him. Which caused Lucho to smack Guille clear across the face with the branch. He still has the scar on his cheek from the incident. Eva spent most of that afternoon scolding us for doing something so stupid. She eventually helped us finish the project under her watchful gaze. I think she just liked bossing us around. But, that’s just my opinion. 

I easily weave through the trail to the backyard. The trees tower over me, their naked branches reaching toward the abysmal grey sky. Everything outside is muted greys and whites, it’s like existing within an old noir film. The only hint of color is the fading yellow of the covered bridge that peaks out beneath the snow and thin layer of forest around it. I make my own path through the untouched snow toward the bridge. The snow is thicker than I anticipated and getting across the vast backyard is difficult. I trip and stumble through the frozen snow a few times before the familiar wood of the bridge echoes my footsteps. I take a seat on one of the benches built into the bridge and lean my head back against the walls of the bridge. The sound of the river trickling under the bridge and the few caws of birds are the only noises I can hear aside from my racing thoughts. Nothing is loud enough to drown that out. 

No matter how hard I try I can’t get Juliana’s words out of my head. I don’t want to dwell on Mae’s suicide, but I can’t get past it. How can I move on when she was the first person I’ve ever really loved? The only person I planned to spend my life with? The moment I found her dead felt like someone pulled the rug out from underneath me. I couldn’t breathe. Everything I had planned for us; getting married, having kids, building our life together….it was gone. How can I think about the happy memories when they were all inexplicably tied together with a happy ending that I can never have with her? I think about how we met, how we fell in a love, and the next thing that crosses my mind is that I don’t get to have her in my arms ever again. 

“Hey, Vale,” Guille’s voice scares me from my thoughts. 

“Shit,” I jump in my seat and bump my head against the wood. “Damn it, Guillermo, give a girl a warning, will you?”

“I’ve been calling your name for five minutes.”

“Oh,” I settle back into my seat rubbing the back of my head. Guille takes a seat next to me. “How’d you find me?”

“You do remember the kitchen window looks out at the bridge, right?” I look toward the house and spot the kitchen window. Standing there is Juliana, she waves and turns back around to face someone I can’t see. 

“I knew that…”

“Sure, you did, Vale.” He laughs. We both fall quiet, staring ahead at the trees in front of us. His foot is tapping out a slow beat on the wood, and it echoes it back. The beat gets faster, and he starts tapping his fingers on his knee in time with his foot. 

“Dude. Stop.” I say finally putting my hand on his knee to stop the incessant beat. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Guille.” 

“No, I mean, for last night,” he explains. 

“I know. And it’s fine,” I say again. 

“It’s not, I know you well enough to know it’s bothering you,” he sighs and runs his fingers through his shaggy brown hair. “I wasn’t thinking when I said it last night. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I know.” 

“Stop saying that, you don’t know everything.” He shakes his head, a small smile on his lips. “Do you always have to be so proud and stubborn when I’m trying to apologize?”

“Yes, it’s my job to annoy you.” 

“You’re deflecting,” he says. I don’t respond. “Listen, I know you miss Mae. We all do. But we all miss who you were with her and before her. You’ve been distant and cold ever since, and it’s not that we blame you for that. We get it. You lost the love of your life, and that’s bound to change a person. But you can’t let it define you, Vale.”

“Juls told me the same thing,” I say after a moment. 

“She’s a smart woman, and an understanding one.” He nods his head. We fall quiet again, and I think of Juliana’s words to remember the good things with Mae. Even though it hurts, even though I want to keep her all to myself, I realize how much of an impact her death had on not only my life, but my family’s as well. 

“Do you remember teaching Mae how to ice skate the first Christmas I brought her home?” I ask keeping my eyes on the trees and sky. 

“She was so bad,” he chuckles beside me. 

“She held onto the side of the rink refusing to let go,” I laugh with him. “You were skating circles around us as I tried to convince her to hold my hand and trust me.”

“I had to steal one of those crates to help her,” he adds. “The owners of the rink were yelling at us that it was for kids.”

“Mae was so afraid she was going to get into trouble for using it she let go mid-stride and fall face first onto the ice.” We’re both laughing really hard now and smiling widely at each other. “You never let her live that down after that.” 

“I called her Frosty because of it,” Guille says. “She hated it.” 

“She secretly loved it,” I say quietly. “She loved you like a brother.” He throws his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close to his side giving me a squeeze. 

“You should talk about her more often.” 

“It’s been to hard too, until now. I wanted to keep her all to myself, but that’s not fair to you guys, or to her. She deserves to be remembered for more than her suicide,” I finally admit. Guille kisses my head and releases me before standing up. 

“Come on, Juliana’s been moping about waiting for you to make cookies with her.” He grins at me. “She’s got it bad for you.” I stand up and give him a light shove. 

“Shut up, vegetable head.” His smile drops and he fixes me with a glare. 

“I’d run if I were you, Valentina.” 

“Oh, yeah? What are you going to do?” I smirk and he inches toward me, backing me up into the snow in the backyard. He pushes me into the snow, and I crash through the frozen layer into the soft snow beneath it. “Fuck! Damn it, Guille! You’re dead.” I stumble out of the snow and start chasing after his cackling form. I start gathering snow in my hand and whipping it at him, hitting him in the back. He ducks behind a tree and comes back out with his own snowball. We start throwing snowballs back and forth, ducking and diving through the backyard.

“Guillermo and Valentina!” Our dad’s voice booms through the yard. We both freeze mid throw. “How dare you have a snowball fight without the rest of us!” He turns and yells into the house, “everyone! Get dressed, family snowball fight in five minutes!” A snowball comes flying at the side of my head. 

I turn my glare onto Guille, “you’re going down, Veggie Boy.” 

“Whatever you say, Tina.” 

“I told you not to call me that!” I yell and tackle him into the snow. 

“Pig pile!” Bella yells as she rushes out the back of the house and jumps on top of us. Everyone in our family follows suit, throwing themselves into the snow before we divide up into teams. Juliana appears next to me as we’re all standing around picking sides. 

“Thank you,” I say wrapping my arms around her in a hug.

“For what?” She says hugging me back. 

“For being here for me.”

“Always,” She whispers back. A snowball hits my back. 

“Just kiss already!” Lucho shouts. Juls pulls back from our hug but keeps me at arm’s length. Our eyes lock and for the first time I notice the way the dark brown pools of her eyes melts to a gold; like a sunset meeting an eclipse. My heart stutters and my lungs seize before my body returns to normal. Juliana is looking at me curiously with a little smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth. 

“On the count of three we attack,” she says to me softly. I shakily return the smile and nod. “One, two, three.” We both bend down, scoop up snow, pat a snowball into shape, and throw it at Lucho. He falls backward into his dad. Uncle Johny yells at he goes down underneath him. Lucía laughs at her brother before he pulls her down beside them. 

“It’s on!” Lucho yells back and our family breaks up into the teams, an all-out snowball war begins. We’re all cold, red in the face, and grinning wickedly when we finally go inside. We separate and prepare for dinner that night, it’s nothing as extra as the first night, but it’s still big. Conversation flows easily, the jokes fill the table, and Juliana’s hand remains planted on my knee throughout the whole meal.

*** 

After dinner, my dad and Uncle Johny haul the Christmas decorations up from the basement. Lucía and Silvina send out orders to everyone in the family. 

“Mateo, Guille, and Johny,” Silvina says. The three men grab the buckets of lights and other outdoor decorations and trot out the front door. 

“Tiberio and Lucho, you two are on stocking and mantel duty,” Lucía instructs, the two nod and argue over who gets to do what. She moves over to the radio and plays a classic Christmas music playlist. Silvina nods approvingly before disappearing with a box in her hand. 

“I’ll be in the foyer setting up the little Christmas village.” 

“Okay then,” Eva claps her hands together, “Bella do you want to help me with the tree decorations?”

“Yes, please!” She happily runs over to the decoration box, Lucía and Eva follow after her. My dad starts to pull the baby albums out of one of the buckets. 

“No, no, no,” I rush over to him. “Please, not again.”

“Come here Renata and Juliana, let me show you the kids as babies,” My dad smirks at me as the significant others gather around him. I join Eva, Bella, and Lucía at the tree and ignore the cooing occurring near the couches. 

“They were all such chubby babies,” my dad says with a laugh. “Guille had such a big head for his body, too. Their mother would always say it was the worst birth she had, he practically had to be suctioned out.”

I continue to ignore the conversation, instead focusing on Bella and helping her decorate the tree to her liking. Eva, Lucía and I hastily wrapped the tree in lights before letting Bella take control of the ornaments. She grabs the most ridiculous ornaments first, the normal balls after, and lastly the star. At this point my family has reached the high school portion of the photographs, I cringe hard at the thought of my high school self. 

“Oh, my god,” Juliana’s voice rises above the rest of them. “Val, you didn’t tell me you had a tomboy phase.”

“Vale rejected everything girly during her early years in high school,” Eva calls out beside me. 

“You were so cute,” Juliana beams at me. “And it seems so wildly out of character.”

“High school Valentina was something else,” Eva laughs. 

“Considering you were the head cheerleader and student council president, you really shouldn’t talk,” I counter. 

“What’s so wrong with that?”

“You had a major stick up your butt. Still do,” I stick my tongue out at her. Eva rolls her eyes. 

“Well, I think tomboy Val is perfect,” Juliana says with a soft smile, “but, I do love this version of you; I have a weakness for tall girls in pretty dresses.” I can hear my family’s voices filling the living room, the echoes of coos and snide comments back and forth, but I’m too busy staring at Juliana, a blush settling across my face. I tug at the hem of my dress, running my fingers over the tights that cover my legs. She winks at me and I feel my mouth go dry before coughing lightly and turning back to the tree trying to hide my flush. 

My family members each go back to what they were doing, moving onto different conversations. The group outside eventually comes in just as I’m hoisting Bella up to place the star on the top of the tree. In the few hours since we started working the house has transformed into a Christmas wonder land, which will remain up until the New Year, thankfully since I did not want to take it down any time soon. It’s late by the time we all climb into bed, exhausted and grinning. I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I really love this chapter a lot.

Juliana had convinced my family to leave one cookie recipe for me to help with while I was hiding out yesterday morning. Chivis had attempted to tell her that I wasn’t the most skilled in the kitchen, especially when it came to baking, but Juliana was insistent that I would want to make some. She wasn’t wrong, entirely. I do love making cookies, but I really am accident prone when I’m in the kitchen.

Juls measured out all the ingredients and we are ready to mix them together. She pulls out the mixer and hands me a rubber spatula to help her scrap the bowl as she goes through it with the mixer. My brother is quick to snatch the spatula from my hand. We’re all standing around the kitchen island; Lucía, Silvina, Guille, Renata, Juliana, and I. Eva and Bella are at the round table coloring. Eva is quick to gaze warily in our direction when she notices what’s going on. 

“What?” Juliana looks around the apprehensive room. Guille and Renata look to me to explain, but Lucía jumps in before I can. 

“A few Christmas’s ago, Val got her finger caught in the mixer,” she turns to me, mouth stuck in a straight line, and her brows furrowed. Everyone chuckles. 

“Okay, listen, it wasn’t my fault,” I hold my hands up in defense. 

“I highly doubt that,” Juls smirks. 

“You know your girlfriend is prone to accidents, yeah?” Guille asks Juliana with identical smirk on his face. 

“Absolutely, on our first date she managed to get hot coffee spilled all over her.” My siblings laugh at my expense. Lucía and Silvina hide their laugh behind her hand. 

“Again, that was not my fault!” No one listens. 

“Sure, my love,” Juliana coos sarcastically and kisses my cheek. My face is quick to turn red. “What do you say happened, then?” 

“Mae and I were tasked with making the chocolate chip cookies like we always were,” I start. I can sense my family holding their breaths, waiting to see how this will go. Guille smiles at me softly; I power on. “Mae’s chocolate cookies were to die for.”

“They were,” Guille adds in. “Perfectly soft and gooey, just like I like’em.” Renata smacks his arm. “What?” 

“Let her finish her story.” Guille nods and Renata gestures for me to continue.

“Anyway, Mae handed me the spatula to help push the dough into the mixer as she went through with it. But just as we were starting to mix the dough, dad came down making a commotion and she got distracted.” Lucía’s eyes widen. 

“Oh, my, how did I forget that…” She says softly

“Mae and Val had a knack for pranking dad,” Eva adds from the table. “I mean, he usually started it, but Mae was the mastermind behind ending it.”

“Wait, was that the year…” Guille starts. 

“That Mae put green hair dye in his shampoo? Yes, it was.” I grin from ear to ear. “She started cackling like a mad women and dad was threatening to get her back just as bad. She was still mixing, but it was erratic, and I was trying to keep up. And then my hand got in the way and my thumb was sucked right between the mixing blades.”

“Vale screamed bloody murder,” Eva says. “Mae’s face went from ecstatic to white as a ghost.”

“She was already white as a ghost,” Guille jokes. Renata smacks him again. Juliana is looking at me with a mixed expression that I can’t quite place. 

“My thumb was stuck between the blade, and my dad was still cursing up a storm about his hair, and Mae was panicking about it. Lucía screamed when she saw dad’s hair and Eva had to come over and rescue my thumb,” I laugh. “My thumb managed to dent both the mixer blades and I had a dent in my thumb right below my nail.”

“Thankfully, there was no blood in the cookies. That would’ve been a waste,” Guille says. Renata smacks him in the chest a third time. “Will you stop that!” 

“Will you stop being an idiot?”

“Maybe when you stop fucking hitting me!” Eva comes up behind Guille and smacks him in the back of the head. “What was that for?”

“Your niece is right over there, do not teach her unsavory words, Veggie Head.” Renata and Eva high five. Renata laughs at her boyfriend, giving Eva a conspiratory wink. Guille slouches next to me. Juliana, who has been multitasking mixing the chocolate chip cookie dough and listening to the story, leans over and hands Guille one of the mixing blades with dough on it. He grins and thanks her. 

“So, do you have a scar from it?” Juls asks. I lift my left hand up and show her my thumb. There’s a little white scar from the incident. “It’s so tiny.” 

“It still hurt like a bitc—” Eva hits the back of my head. “biscuit. It hurts like a biscuit.” 

“Nice save.” Juliana deadpans clearly unimpressed. 

“Woah, this dough is good,” Guille is grinning like a fool as he chomps happily away on the mixing blade in his hand. Juliana smiles at him and starts to make clumps of dough on the baking pan. 

“I still don’t think it was Mae’s fault you got your thumb stuck in the mixer,” Renata says eyeing the dough enviously. 

“Well, she’s not here to defend herself, so it’s both of our faults,” I laugh and snag a bit of dough from the bowl. The room freezes for a second, Renata and Eva share a look with Lucía and Silvina, Guille is mid-bite, and Juliana just smiles at me. She smacks my hand as it reaches for more dough. 

“If you keep eating it, there’ll be nothing left for cookies,” she wags the scooper she’s using to make dough balls at me. I jut out my lower lips and widen my eyes comically. 

“But, baby girl,” I whine jokingly, “please?” She doesn’t smack my hand away the second time. 

“Whipped!” Lucho yells as he, Mateo, and Uncle Johny walk into the kitchen. 

“At least I’m getting laid, Lucho,” I jest as I pop the dough into my mouth smugly. Renata, Guille, Lucía, and Uncle Johny all ‘ooh’ at him. Eva shoots me daggers from her spot next to Bella. 

“Whatever,” Lucho huffs and snatches one of the already baked cookies from the pile on the kitchen counter. My family snatches a couple cookies each and quickly leave the kitchen before any other arguments erupt. Juliana and I are left alone with Eva and Bella to deal with the mess; granted, we are the ones that made it. 

Juliana bustles around putting the cookies in the oven and cleaning up the mess that was made. I watch as she moves with ease, grace, and a practiced hand. I picture her bustling around the café she works at in the city, weaving between tables and machines, mixing and pouring drinks carefully, but quickly. She’s quick and calculated, and I can’t help but stare in awe. I can’t move with such purpose and skill, I’d more than likely fall on my face, spill coffee everywhere, make an embarrassment of myself. But Juls makes it look effortless; like it’s a dance she’s practiced her whole like, like it’s ingrained her. 

“Valentina, do you ever listen when I talk?” Eva scolds. I look at her sheepishly, a blush creeping up my neck. 

“I want to say yes, but…” 

“That’s what I thought.” She shakes her head frowning. Juliana smirks over her shoulder while she does the dishes. “I was trying to tell you that the adults are going to dinner tonight, so we will have to fend for ourselves.”

“You do realize we are also adults, Eva.” 

“You will all always be their babies, now, I’m going to get ready. Don’t get your fingers stuck in anything else.” She gives me a pointed look. 

“No promises,” I smirk at her. She stops before exiting the kitchen. 

“Valentina Carvajal, you know that is not what I meant at all.” 

“What?” I ask feigning innocence. “I won’t put my fingers in anything where they’ll get stuck. I promise.” She rolls her eyes at me and rubs her face in annoyance before walking away without a word. Juliana appears next to me drying her hand on a towel. She places the towel on the counter and pushes her hair out of her face. A little cluster of soap bubbles rests on her cheek; I brush them off with the pad of my thumb. 

“Thanks,” she smiles. “You’re going to give your sister a heart attack if you keep making sexual innuendos.” 

“Eh, she’ll be fine,” I shrug. She rolls her eyes at me but smiles despite it. 

“So, what are we going to do for dinner tonight?” She asks taking a seat at the island with me. I smirk mischievously at her. “I don’t like that look, should I be worried? Too late, I’m worried.” 

“We’re going to The Library,” I say. She tilts her head and furrows her brow. 

“Your library sells food? What kind of small-town shit is this?” 

*** 

The Library is a peach colored stucco building that sits squished between two large stores in the downtown of area of Whiteridge. Most of the buildings in the downtown were a varying bright colored stucco with white trims; the whole town stands out brightly amongst the white snow that covers every surface. 

The Library is two stories tall, and relatively thin. Two large windows covered by shelves that are filled with books; it really does look like a library form the outside. Juliana stands with my brother—Eva isn’t here because she’s considered an adult now that she has a family, how rude—Lucho, and I outside the building. She’s looking up at it in confusion, as is Renata. 

“This is the library?” She asks. 

“As long as there’s books and food, I’m content,” Renata adds in, “but this is super odd.” 

“Just wait and see, okay?” I laugh and lead the way into the building. Once I’m through the threshold, the interior of The Library looks nothing like an actual library. There are a few bookshelves scattered around that contain books, but other than that, the interior looks exactly like a bar. There’s tall tables and wooden stools, a long bar counter with bartenders standing behind it. The second floor is only half a floor that’s more like a balcony filled with games like billiards and darts. 

“This is not a library,” Renata says. Guille chuckles and plants a chaste kiss on her cheek. 

“Sorry, but there are some books to read,” he points to a few poorly taken care of books.

“Nope, I’m gonna drunkenly kick your ass at darts.” Renata and Guille off to get drinks, everyone follows after them.

“Is there where you spent your time when you were home?” Juliana asks as we take up the back of the group. 

“Yeah, you can get in when you’re under 21,” I point to Lucho. “You just can’t drink, but the games and books are available. My friends and I in high school would come and eat crappy bar food on the weekends and beat a bunch of drunk old men at games.” 

“Wow, you used to be fun,” she deadpans but follows it with a tiny smirk. 

“I am still fun, I will have you know.” 

“You’re about as fun as a kidney transplant,” Guille mocks as he walks by with two beers in hand. Lucho passes by with a basket of fries nodding his agreement as he shoves some in his mouth. 

“Sorry, Val,” Renata shrugs, touching my arm gently with her free hand. Juls laughs at my appalled expression. 

“You know what,” I say, schooling my face into a serious expression, “I’ll show you how fun I can really be.” I strut up to the bar, look the bartender in the eyes, and order two tequila shots. 

“Oh, I don’t drink tequila,” Juliana says. 

“These are both for me,” I correct. As soon as the shots are in front of me I down them both quickly. 

“Are you sure this is a good idea, Val? I mean considering your past habits with alcohol?” Juliana’s expression is soft, concerned, her hand gently rubbing my upper arm. 

“I’m sure, I promise. I’m happy and we’re going to have fun, it’ll be okay,” I shrug smiling at her. 

“Okay, but I want verbal consent from you right now while you’re sober that I can cut you off whenever I feel like it’s going badly, deal?” 

“I, Valentina Carvajal, give you, Juliana Valdés, permission to cut me off from alcohol if I start getting depressed,” I say with my hand over my heart. Juliana nods approvingly and I turn back to the bartender. “Another shot. And a beer for her,” I point at Juliana, “and a gin and tonic for me.” I pay the bartender and face Juls with a grin. “Now, prepare to lose to me again at bar games.”

She laughs haughtily, “bring it on.” 

We meet the rest of my family up on the second floor, they’re playing a few games, and we join in with Lucho playing darts. My aim gets worse the more I drink, and Juliana’s gets the better the less she drinks. I don’t even think she touches her beer. She kicks my ass at darts. And again, at billiards. Guille and Renata beat us at foosball, but I take the win at the Hook and Ring game against everyone. I spend the rest of the night rubbing my singular win in their faces and challenging anyone who looks at me to the game as well. 

***

I can’t remember how we got home. I’m assuming it was by taxi. Or maybe Juliana drove? The adults are definitely home, it’s nearing three in the morning. I think? The last I checked at least. Juliana has her arm wrapped around my waist holding me steady as we stumble through the front door. I trip through the threshold trying to take the step up. She catches me as I fall forward. 

“I like your eyes,” I say staring at them. “Little—little gold bits in them. Like stars. You have stars in your eyes.” 

She laughs at me, “thanks, Val. Come on, let’s get you to bed.” 

“Ooh, trying to take me to bed, are you?” I waggle my eyebrows at her as she helps me back on me feet. 

“To sleep, Valentina,” she says seriously. “Up the stairs, let’s go.” 

“Mm,” I smile sloppily at her before attempting to climb the stairs. “I like it when you’re bossy.” 

“Oh, my god,” She groans dropping her face into her hands. “Just climb the stairs, please.” I try to get up the stairs and keep tripping over the steps. I can’t stop laughing as I try again and again, Juliana eventually starts laughing with me as she grabs onto my waist to stabilize me more. 

“What is going on out here?” My dad’s voice fills the stairwell. 

“Sorry, Mr. Carvajal,” Juliana says, her hands still on my hips. “Val here is a wee bit drunk, I’m just trying to get her to bed.” 

“Ah, she’s okay though, right?” My dad asks. I look up and find him standing at the top of the stairs, arms folded over his chest, his robe tied tightly around his body. 

“Yes, sir, she’s just a bit dopey right now,” Juls explains. 

“Vale has never been good as toeing the line between coherent and a wreck when it comes to drinking,” my dad says shaking his head.

“H-hey! I—I can…I’m really good at drinking,” I stutter out. “Right, baby girl? Tell—tell my dad how—how good I am at drinking!”

“The best, love, the absolute best,” she replies as she looks at me, I give her a cheeky grin in return. 

“See? I can handle drinking, dad.” I stick my tongue out. He just laughs and speaks to Juliana. 

“The Advil is under the bathroom sink, she’ll need it in the morning.”

“Got it, thank you, Mr. Carvajal,” Juliana says and starts encouraging me up the stairs again. 

“And, please, Juliana, call me León,” my dad smiles and turns around to head back to his room. Juliana eventually is able to get my giggling ass up the stairs and into our room. She tries to get me to put my pajamas on myself, but I keep getting stuck in my shirt when I go to take my it off. 

“Juli,” I whine, arms above my head, face trapped in the shirt. I hear her come towards me, her hands gently peel the shirt off, revealing my face and hers as well. “Hi.”

“Hi,” she laughs. “You are a hot mess, Val.” 

I grin, “you think I’m hot?” She shakes her head, but smiles, nonetheless. 

“Help me get your pjs on, please.” She tosses me my pjs and has me sit on the bed as she undresses me. 

“I knew the day would come when you’d take my clothes off,” I smirk at her, which quickly turns to a frown as she puts my pjs pants on and, tugs a shirt over my head. “Hmph, but I did not imagine getting dressed again so quickly.” 

She ignores me. “Get under the blankets, please, I’m going to change in the bathroom.” 

“Boo, you’re not fun.” But I do as she says. I’m tucked happily in a nest of blankets when she comes back out of the bathroom dressed in her pjs. She turns the light off and climbs into bed next to me. “Too far away.” 

“What is?” She says, her voice soft and shaky. 

“You,” I answer back. She sighs, but her body shifts closer. “Still far.” 

“Go to sleep.” She says instead of moving. 

“No,” I say stubbornly. “Can’t sleep without cuddles.” 

“Val…” She whispers hesitantly, feebly. 

“Baby girl, please,” I beg. Silence stretches out between us, filling the space around us. In my hazy thoughts, I decide to give up and start to doze off. The bed shifts, her body is pressed against mine. I quickly tuck myself against her chest before she can move away and drift to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk!Val is a cute mess. that is all.


	13. Chapter 13

I wake up to the room being flooded with light. A pained groan slips from my sleepy lips as I pull the blanket over my head. There’s a tiny monster in my head hammering away at my skull intermittently and the light certainly does not help with the pain. The blanket is ripped off from over my head and I squint up at the grinning figure above me. 

 

“Good morning, sunshine,” Juliana says cheerily. “Advil and water are on the side table for you, and I brought you breakfast.” 

“You’re an angel,” I mumble, “but don’t ever wake me up like that again or I will kill you.” 

“Mm, I don’t think you will,” She grins as I sit up in bed to take the pain killers. “You need me, remember?” 

“Fuck off.” Juliana holds her hands up in defense, a cheeky grin still on her face. She backs up and disappears into the bathroom. I look over at the spread of food sitting on the other side table, my mouth waters and my stomach rolls. “Coffee?” She pokes her head out of the doorway. 

“You told me to fuck off.”

“Fuck on?” I ask meekly.

“I’m not sure that’s the correct phrasing, but,” she walks out of the bathroom holding a mug in her hand, “since you asked nicely, kind of, here you go. One sugar and a little bit of milk.” I take the mug from her hand and pause before drinking it. 

“How did you—” 

“We’ve been constantly together for the past week, I’ve noticed some things.” She shrugs and walks back toward the bathroom. 

“You—” I stop, not sure how she noticed the way I make my coffee, but she did. I look back at the food on the side table, there’s a small bowl of strawberries and cut up bananas, a plate of chocolate chip waffles, and a bottle of syrup next to the utensils. “She even knows my favorite breakfast foods…” 

“What was that?” Juliana’s head pops back out of the bathroom. 

“No—nothing,” I lean over and pull the plates closer to me and start eating. “Thank you.” She smiles and nods, disappearing again as I eat. 

When I finish eating, she finally emerges from the bathroom, fully dressed, hair cascading over her shoulders of her sweater. My eyes slowly rove over her body, from her maroon knit sweater, to the tight light blue jeans, to the tall boots covering her feet; and back up. 

“Um, Val?” Juliana waves her hand trying to get my attention. 

"Hmm?” My eyes snap back to her eyes; she’s smirking at me. 

“How’s your head?” 

“Better—” I blink a few times and run my fingers through my knotted hair. “Much better, thank you, um, I’m gonna take a shower.” 

“Good idea,” she crosses the room and snags a leftover strawberry from the bowl. I watch raptly as she places it between her lips and takes a bite. She crinkles her nose at me. “You smell like a drunken sailor.” 

“Well, considering I did get drunk, it makes sense,” I say climbing out of bed uneasily. I look back at Juliana and she’s staring off into the distance. “Hey, Juliana?”

“Yeah?” 

“What—did I do anything particularly embarrassing last night? I don’t—there isn’t much I remember,” I rub the back of my neck awkwardly. Juliana’s face turns red and I feel my stomach drop in anticipation. “Was it—was it bad? I mean, I didn’t hit on any random woman, did I? Or dance on a table top; that usually happens when I drink tequila.” 

“No,” she laughs half-heartedly. “You’re, uh, a bit flirtatious when you’re drunk, and incompetent, and very cuddly.” 

I gulp, “with—with you?”

“Uh, yeah, with me.” Her blush intensifies and she looks away. 

“Well…that is embarrassing. I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” 

“No, no,” she says quickly, making eye contact with me. “I wasn’t uncomfortable, it—it wasn’t a big deal. I promise. I know you were just drunk. It didn’t mean anything, you know?” 

“Oh.” I step back, further away from her. “Right, yeah. I, um, I’m going to shower now.” I don’t bother to wait for her answer before going into the bathroom and shutting the door. I turn on the shower, undress, and get under the water not caring if it was hot or cold. Juliana was so quick to dismiss my actions as drunken actions, maybe that’s what she wanted them to be. Is that even what I want them to be? I haven’t thought about anyone romantically since Mae. I couldn’t. It was like every time I did a sharp pain would shoot through my abdomen. It still does. But, it’s duller, more subtle, like an ache that I’ve grown familiar to. She’s been gone for so long; would she want me to be alone and miserable forever? 

I don’t think so. But it still feels like a betrayal. 

Maybe I’m reading into my actions too much, I can’t even recall much of anything from last night. I do know that when I look at Juliana there’s this swoop in my stomach, and my heart races, and my hands get clammy and oh shit. 

My eyes grow wide as I’m trying to put shampoo in my hair. Some drips into my eyes and it stings. I shut my eyes quickly trying to minimize the pain and the spread of the shampoo, but I can’t see. And I slip. 

“Fuck!” I fall flat on my ass in the shower, bumping my knee on the side of the wide. 

“Val?” Juliana calls through the bathroom door. “Are you okay?” 

“Uh, yeah! I—I’m fine! I just slipped.” 

“Do you need help?” 

“Nope! No!” I yell out hastily. The last thing I need is her to come in here and see my helpless, naked, and highly embarrassed self, sitting pitifully on the floor of the shower. I rush to finish my shower, ignoring the pain from knee, and the panicked beat of my heart. 

Leaving the bathroom, a bit later, I’m dressed in a sweater and a pair of jeans. My wet hair is tied up in a bun to keep it out of my face. Juliana is sitting on the bed with a book in her hand.

My breath catches in my throat for a moment. I yell at my brain for making my body react like this. It’s just Juliana. A stranger. A nice woman who offered her help. She’s just a person, she doesn’t—

Her eyebrows furrow, and she bites her bottom lip, before a smile breaks out across her face. She chuckles at whatever she is reading and thumbs the page to move to the next one. 

Stupid, beautiful, nerdy woman making my heart race by just reading a goddamn book. She’s not even doing anything spectacular and I feel like my heart is having a seizure. 

“Hey,” Juliana says. “How was your shower?” She quirks her eyebrow. 

“I fell,” I blurt out. 

“I know, I heard.” She laughs at me. “You okay?” She folds the corner of her book and places it her side table. 

“My knee hurts,” I say dumbly. “It hit the wall on my way down.”

She laughs again, “your sister wasn’t lying, you really are incredibly accident prone.” 

“When did you talk to my sister?” 

“Oh, this morning, she was in the kitchen when I was getting you breakfast,” she gets off the bed and crosses the room to me. “Speaking of, your whole family is ridiculously hung over and none of them want to do anything today. Or, so León says, anyway.”

“León?” I raise my eyebrow and tilt my head. 

“Um, yeah, he told me last night to call him that when I was getting your drunk ass up the stairs. You’re like a noisy, uncoordinated, new-born horse when you’re drunk. I thought I was going to have to leave you on the couch.” I blush under her intense gaze. “Anyway, it’s just us today.” Juliana is standing close to me, looking at me intently, like she’s waiting for something. But I’m too busy looking at her eyes and tracing the contours of her face. I get an idea. “Val—” 

“Do you wanna go out?” 

“Aren’t we already?” She smirks. 

“No, I mean, yes,” I stutter, losing my train of thought. “I mean, um, go do something in town? 

“What did you have in mind?” She’s smiling, that soft, gentle smile that I’ve never seen her give anyone else. Not even Sergio—granted, he was dumping her the only time I saw them together, but still. It’s careful, and it reaches her eyes. 

“You’re just gonna have to trust me,” I shrug and offer her my hand. 

“Okay.” Her smile widens and she takes my hand. 

***

“I’m going to skate circles around you, Valentina,” Juliana says as she laces up her skates. We’re in downtown not too far from The Library. There’s a makeshift ice rink that the town puts up every year near the town square. It’s surrounded by a bunch of trees that are covered in lights. I always liked coming down here at night to look at the lights, there was something oddly magical about it. 

I smile fondly at the space in the town square where the giant Christmas tree stands, the one we would spend our time walking circles around whenever we came home from Christmas. Mae would tease me that I was addicted to lights; I could stand in the cold for hours watching the lights twinkle in the night and the way it reflects off the snow on the ground. But she would always stand with me, even when her fingers had gone numb and her nose was chapped from the winter winds. 

Turning back to Juliana, a smile still on my lips, I shake my head. “You’re going down, love.” 

She smirks, “we’ll see about that.” She races out onto the ice leaving me in the dust. I try to catch up to her as we both weave through the throngs of people on the ice with ease. Juliana peers over her shoulder and sticks out her tongue as I catch up to her. She takes off again, weaving, spinning, and sliding to a stop with ease. Wheezing slightly, I slide to a stop next to her. She’s grinning like a maniac. “Told you.” 

“You cheated!” 

“No, I saw an opportunity and took it.” 

“Cheated,” I repeat. 

“Don’t be mad just because you lost, Val.” She starts to skate gracefully backwards, I follow but remain facing her. We move with ease around rink, dodging kids goofing around, and couples who refuse to be separated. I manage to convince her into a fair race, which I still lose. She rubs it in my face, dancing ridiculously on the ice, turning all eyes on us. She twirls around me, grinning like a fool, and singing that she’s the best. 

And, then she falls. She sits dejectedly on the ice, her face bright red. Tears are streaming down my face as I laugh. Juliana pouts up at me from the ice, but I can’t stop laughing. 

“That’s what you get for being cocky.” I wheeze trying to control my laughter. 

“Help me up, asshole,” she grumbles, pout still on her lips. I offer her my hand just for her to pull me down beside her. She cracks a grin. “Oops?” 

“I hate you,” I say despite the smile that stretches across my face. 

The afternoon comes quickly, and we both get tired out from skating. We take the time to walk slowly through town, hot chocolates in our hands, and bellies full of snacks. There are a lot of people in downtown today, probably doing last minute shopping. Juliana is staring around all the colorful stucco buildings, each one a varying pastel color that is stark contrast to the snow around us. I sneak a glance at her occasionally; she has an easy going smile on her face as she takes in this little town, I’ve called home my whole life. It’s a completely different feel than walking through the City. People smile at us, a few old teachers and family friends say hi to me, stop us to ask about my family. I introduce them all to Juliana as my girlfriend. Each time they note how happy I look, that they’re glad I’m doing better. Juliana holds my hand dutifully, giving me support, playing her role as my loving girlfriend.

Playing her role so well I forget that she’s not actually my girlfriend until she lets go of my hand when each person leaves. I can’t help the disappointment I feel whenever her hand leaves mine. I try to ignore it. But it’s glaringly obvious to me when we walk next to each other, our hands bumping, never grasping the other until someone new comes to greet us. 

“Valentina!” Lucía’s friend, Linda, calls out to me as she exits the bookstore on the corner, accurately—though not creatively—named The Corner Bookstore. 

“Hi, how are you?” I say coming to a stop outside the store. It’s a pale red color on the outside, gold lettering spelling out the stores name and address about the door. Large windows show the best sellers that are currently out as well as miscellaneous items the store sells. Juliana’s eyes light up as she looks into the bookstore. 

“I’m well, I’m well,” she turns her gaze to Juliana. “And who may this be? Your step-mother did mention you had a girlfriend.” 

“Yes,” I tug at Juliana’s hand to get her attention. She begrudgingly pulls her eyes away from the bookstore and fixing a pleasant smile on her face. “This is my girlfriend, Juliana. Juls, this is Lucía’s best friend—”

“Linda, right?” Juliana says putting her hand out for Linda to shake. “Lucía was telling me some hilarious stories about what you two get up to this morning.” 

“Oh, goodness, I hope nothing too embarrassing,” Linda says, a grin spreading across her lips. 

“She told me about the 40th birthday party fiasco,” Juliana says with a chuckle. “I think it was more embarrassing for Lucía than you.” Linda laughs along with Juliana. I watch in rapt attention as the two chat back and forth, my eyes never straying from Juliana’s face. The sun is peaking out behind the clouds and shining light onto the town. The way the sunlight turns Juliana’s brown eyes into pools of melted caramel; the way those dark abysses turn into brilliant warmth. They’re the color of coming home after a cold day. They’re the color of the feeling of drinking hot coffee on a rainy day and reading a good book you’ve had on your shelf for so long and finally got a chance to read it. They’re golden, and amber, and darkness all rolled into one and I can’t pull my gaze away. 

“It’s so great to meet you, Juliana,” Linda says, my eyes still on Juliana. “And it’s so nice to see you so happy again, Valentina. We’ve missed that smile around here.” Juliana turns to look at me and notices my gaze already on her; she smiles gently. 

“Oh, um, thank you,” I blink rapidly and finally look at Linda. Her eyes bounce between Juliana and I as the corners of her mouth tug upward. 

“Well, it was good to see you, wish your family a Merry Christmas for me, yeah?” 

“Of course,” I say back. “Merry Christmas to you as well.” She nods politely and walks off. Juliana’s gaze is still on me, that smile I’ve grown used to still on her lips. “What?” 

“Nothing, nothing,” she says definitively, though her expression says otherwise. “Can we go in the bookstore?” A laugh bubbles out of my lips, because of course she wants to go in the bookstore. 

“Yes, you nerd, we can—” And she’s already taken off into the bookstore leaving me standing on the sidewalk looking after her quickly retreating figure with a dopey smile. 

I find her deep within the store hidden between large stacks of used books. The front half of the store has the newer releases stocked neatly on shelves. The back half, well, it’s a mess of stacks and buckets of used books that they’ve acquired over the years. Juliana, of course, is standing in front of bucket, books carefully placed on the floor beside her. She’s looking at each tattered and torn book with such awe and admiration, it’s a wonder I didn’t think to take her here sooner.

_What hardcore literary lover wouldn’t want to go to the local bookstore? I think, stupid, Valentina._

“This is amazing,” she says, her hands running over the spin of a vintage book. “There’s so many early edition books just sitting in this bucket abandoned. Do you know how much some of these are worth?” 

“Um, a lot?” I shrug and move to stand beside her. I reach into the bucket next to her and pull out a book. It’s a faded green with a grape vine border; red lettering spells out the author and title. “Hey, Juliana? How much would this be worth?” I hold the copy of The Awakening by Kate Chopin up to her. She drops every book in her arms into the bucket with a gasp. 

“No way,” she reaches out and takes the book from me, holding it delicately in her hands. “This is worth more than your car; it’s a first edition. They’re incredibly rare, and it’s just…it’s been sitting in this bucket for who knows how long…” Juliana starts feeling her pockets looking for something only to come up empty. “Fucking, of course, I forgot my wallet.” Before I can offer to get it for her, her cell phone starts to go off. She looks at the caller ID in confusion but puts the book down and walks out of the store quickly. 

I don’t even hesitate before purchasing the book from the shopkeeper, Jacobo. He greets me fondly and with a familiarity only a small town can give you. 

“Hello, dear, would you like this wrapped?” He asks as I pay for the book. 

“Please,” I respond, “and, uh, are you still delivering for the holidays? I know you used to when I was in high school, but it’s been a while.” 

“It has, indeed,” he hums thoughtfully. “And, yes, we still do. I can get it to your house before Christmas.” 

“Thank you so much, Jacobo,” I smile. 

“Who is it for?” 

“Oh, um—”

“For the tag, so I don’t deliver it to the wrong place,” he taps the books cover with his fingers. 

“Right, yes, it’s for Juliana. From me, Valentina.”

“Ah, yes, I remember your name, Miss Carvajal,” He nods and jots the information down, putting a small slip of paper inside the book cover. “Have a good holiday, miss.” 

“You too.” I smile and walk out of the shop. Juliana is standing in the town square, phone pressed to her ear. She’s pacing back and forth, a frown on her lips. I stand on the sidewalk waiting for her to finish her call. She hangs up with a huff and crosses the street over to me. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it was just my friend,” she says. “Wishing me a Merry Christmas and lecturing me about not informing her I wouldn’t be visiting for the holiday. She’s like an older sister to me.” She starts walking back in the direction we came from. I have to jog to catch up to her. 

“Oh, crap, I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

“No worries,” she waves me off. “I haven’t visited her in years, but she always calls to check up on me. It’s nothing new.” I can hear it in her voice, it doesn’t have the same carefree lilt that I know. 

“Juliana,” I say, “are you sure you’re okay?” She stops walking and faces me. It’s the first time I don’t see her smiling or that sparkle in her eye. Well, the first time since Sergio broke up with her. 

“No,” she says finally, “but I will be.” I nod slowly. 

“Okay, do you—do you need anything?” I’m expecting to say no, to just walk away and slip back into the cheerful person she usually is. Instead, she steps toward me and warps her arms around my waist and tucking her chin on my shoulder. I don’t hesitate to bring my arms around her and nuzzle my head into her neck. She breaks away just as quickly and composes herself. We don’t speak of it as I lead us back to my car and to the house. She’s cracking jokes again, teasing me about any little thing, and I laugh with her. 

When we pull up to my house, I can hear my family laughing rowdily inside. Juliana beats me to the door and leads us inside where we find the rest of my family crowded around the living room. Uncle Johny and Lucía are drinking in the corner by the tree, my dad and Silvina are sitting on the couches wine glasses in their hands, Tiberio is moving around the room filling everyone’s glasses at the first sign of emptiness. Bella has the rest of the family on the floor having a rather large tea part with her. They all turn to look at the sound of the front door shutting. 

“There the love birds are!” My dad calls out before he talks a gulp of wine. Juliana and I step toward the living room to join them, we’re about to cross the archway threshold into the room when another voice calls out. 

“Not so fast you two,” Renata grins from the floor and points above us. Laughs and a few whistles fill the room as Juliana, and I turn bright red at the sight of the mistletoe hanging above our heads. 

“It’s okay, really, no one needs to see that,” I try to talk us out of it. 

“No excuses!” Lucho yells. 

“You have to respect the mistletoe,” Mateo adds. 

“Only if they both consent to it,” Guille says. Juliana and I make eye contact, and I can see the smirk growing on her face. I can’t stop the swoop in my stomach or the speed of my heart. 

“Care to give the people what they want?” Juliana quips and quirks her brow. I eye my family who are all looking at us expectantly. They want us to kiss. And I do too. 

Fuck. Okay. Yeah, this was not in the cards when I asked for a fake girlfriend. 

“Why not,” I shrug, fully intending on giving her a chaste kiss on the lips. But as we move closer, I can see her pupils dilate, and her eyes wander down my face to my lips and back up again. Am I reading this wrong? I mean, it feels like she wants to kiss me as badly as I want to kiss her. I don’t really have the time to debate this, her lips are so damn close I can’t think straight. Oh, fuck it. 

I cup her face between my hand and pull her gently toward me. When our lips meet its soft and careful like we’re worried about stepping on each other’s toes in a crowded room. I pull away and my hands drop from her face only for her to pull me back to her. Our lips crash together more fervently, less soft and more electric. The bumping of noses and clashing of lips; my body is on fire and I can’t remember to breathe much less what my name is. 

We both step back at the same time, breathless and red in the face. But, mostly, we’re staring at each other in awe and bewilderment. My family is cheering like they watched their favorite team win the championship, but it sounds dull and far away. I’m locked in Juliana’s gaze and I have no clue what to even say. 

So, I don’t say anything. 

Neither does she. 

We continue the night as if nothing even happened. No mention of the kiss occurs, not when we’re with my family, and especially not when we’re in our room alone. We fall asleep on opposite sides of the bed, backs to each other. Only to find our way back together in the middle of the night. 

It’s inevitable at this point.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Game night! And some truths come out

“Alright, kiddos,” my dad says the next morning clapping his hands together. The whole family is gathered in the kitchen eating breakfast waiting to hear the schedule for today. “As you all know, it’s the infamous Game Night tonight. In an attempt to avoid losing any games to the snow outside, we’re making teams.”

“I thought the old people played together and the younger ones played together,” Lucho says around a mouth full of food. 

“Gross, dude,” Guille brushes the chewed food off his shoulder. Lucho shrugs without a care. 

“Well, us old people are getting bored with each other,” my dad says shooting a pointed look at Lucho.

“So, what are we doing instead?” I ask setting down my now empty mug. Juliana doesn’t hesitate to snag the mug and refill it, placing it back down in front of me. That’s how it’s been all morning. 

We both keep silently doing things for each other; anticipating the others need before they do themselves. She had come into the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth this morning and I handed her toothbrush to her already set up the way she likes it; wet first, then a bit of toothpaste, and wet again. She was struggling to button up her shirt and I came over; my fingers quickly working the buttons in the correct place and popped her collar up for her before she pulled a sweater over her head. I gathered the fruit for our breakfast, strawberries and bananas, and she grabbed some chocolate chip waffles for us to share. She knew what I needed and wanted before I had the chance to say a word; and the same goes for her. 

I take another bite of a waffle and get chocolate on my face, before I have the chance to reach for a napkin, Juliana is already reaching over and wiping it off the corner of my mouth. Heat covers my cheeks in a pink flush. 

“We’re going to randomly pick teams!” My dad says with a large, self-satisfied grin. 

“But, dad, that leaves up to chance that some people who shouldn’t be together are going to be on the same team,” Eva chimes in as she cuts up Bella’s waffles for her. “And we know how that ends.” 

“Monopoly Gate,” everyone calls out in unison and a collective sigh. 

“Listen, we’ve grown since then!” Guille tries to argue. 

“Yeah, what he said,” my dad adds. “Come on, we promise to be good, right everyone?” 

“I’ll play how I want to,” Tiberio grumbles stubbornly. His wife elbows him, and he bows his head. “I’ll play fair,” he says half-heartedly. 

“See? Everything will be fine!” My dad grins. “Now, go prepare, we go to war in a few hours. Who will emerge victorious!” 

Juliana leans over to me, “it’s just game night, though.” Unfortunately for her, Guille overheard. 

“Just…game….night?” He says appalled. “No, no, this is an annual Carvajal tradition. This is a bloodbath. This is where we lay our heads and hearts on the line and find out which family members are the best. We challenge our patience, intelligence, steady heads, and quick thinking in these games.”

“I see where you get your competitiveness from, love,” Juliana says to me with a laugh. 

“Oh, just wait, this is going to be a shit show,” I say shaking my head and grinning. 

“I’ve been looking forward to this since you told me,” she says. “Let’s kick some ass!” The whole kitchen erupts into cheers and rowdy war calls. When the noise dies down, everyone dissipates, including Juliana and I. We climb the stairs back to our shared room and busy ourselves to avoid talking to each other. Talking in front of my family is one thing, it’s a show, it’s a charade we have to put on to keep up appearances. But alone? We don’t owe it to each other to talk. 

Yet, there’s this ache in my chest at the silence around us. The tension in the room is palpable, or maybe just to me. Juliana is buried in a book and her face contorted in thought; bottom lip caught between her teeth, brows furrowed, eyes darting rapidly across the pages. I have to force myself to tear my eyes away from her and focus on my own work. My laptop in front of me has an article for work sitting open on it. I haven’t moved to even attempt to edit what they want me to. It’s not like I have to; the deadline isn’t for a couple weeks after the new year, but I just need a distraction from the woman sitting beside me. 

How can we go from teasing each other constantly, to this awkward silence that I can’t bear to sit through any longer? Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe I’m overthinking. I probably am. I mean, it only got weird when I realized that Juliana was right. I can still love Mae and miss her without it controlling my life. And, maybe, just maybe, loving Mae doesn’t mean I can’t fall in love with someone else…

“Hey,” Juliana says as she closes her book, “you okay? You’re going to pop a blood vessel if you think any harder.” 

“I—I’m not thinking that hard,” I say defensively keeping my eyes locked on my laptop screen. 

“Alright,” she says, and I can feel her eyes on me, my skin tingles knowing she’s looking at me. I start to open files, piece together some form of design for this project, waiting for her to take her eyes off me. Eventually, I hear pages turning again, and my body relaxes, but my mind keeps racing. 

It’s only been a week with her and somehow, she knows me better than my own family. She feels the shifts in my mood before I do; anticipates my needs without a singular word from me; makes me laugh with one quirk of her eyebrow and that signature smirk of hers. She helps me forget all the pain of my past while simultaneously remembering it in a positive light. I don’t know how creating this lie led me to her, maybe it was pure luck or maybe it was destiny, either way I don’t think I care. 

I sneak a glance at her. She isn’t reading anymore, but has her phone in her hand, unmoving. Her eyes are focused on the screen intently, a small frown tugging at the corners of her mouth. I peer at her screen and find her staring at a picture of her and Sergio. He’s smiling arrogantly into the camera as she kisses his cheek. Juliana moves her thumb and deletes the photo. 

“Do you miss him?” I ask suddenly, making her jump. She hastily locks her phone. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—I’ve been meaning to ask. It’s just been…hectic.” 

She shakes her head, “not really. I miss who I thought he was, you know? Not the asshole you saw at the café that day.” 

“But you love him?” I close my laptop and place it on the side table, turning my body toward Juliana. 

“I fell in love with who he made himself out to be,” she locks eyes with me. “We met in college. I was a tutor at the writing center, and he had come in for help on a paper; it was mandatory for his writing class, he kept insisting. I could tell because his writing was impeccable. Nothing was out of place, all his ideas were clear and concise, his grammar was near perfection. His analysis of the play, The Crucible, was incredible. It’s one of my favorites, and I could tell he enjoyed it too. He stayed for the rest of my shift and we just talked about literature, and our majors, and our lives. He was kind, and caring, and intelligent. We had deep discussions, and we teased each other, and I thought we were in love.” She stops and looks out the window of the room. 

“What happened?” I ask prompting her to turn her gaze back to me. 

“The first year was bliss, you know? Young love and all that bullshit,” Juliana frowns. “And then Sergio went from this caring guy, to this self-important, holier-than-thou man. We were about to graduate, he had been given incredible job opportunities at major companies in the city. His family was proud of him, I was proud of him, and he thought he was better than everyone else, including me. 

“I didn’t have job offers, or interviews, or anywhere that seemed to want me, and I just settled for staying at the café. It was comfortable and safe; I didn’t want to put myself out there. Sergio was never supportive, but I loved him blindly. I mean, he wasn’t a complete asshole to me, he still treated me with common decency you expect of a friend. But not with love. We weren’t in love anymore, but he was comfortable, safe, just like the café. I didn’t want to leave because I feared what I didn’t know.”

“So, you let him treat you like shit?” 

“I told you, it wasn’t like that. Sure, he wasn’t sweet and attentive anymore, and he was more than likely cheating on me, but he never—not until the café that day—was harsh to me. He was just…he was cold, distant, apathetic.” She shrugs. “He became heavily influenced by his parents, he would do anything to make them proud and not disappoint them. Dating me was a disappointment. I wasn’t enough for him, and I was certainly not enough for his family.”

“You don’t love him…” I repeat her words from earlier. Part of me needs to hear her say it, even if it doesn’t mean anything about what she feels for me. 

Juliana smiles softly at me, “I love who he was, but I don’t love who he’s become.” 

“Okay,” I say mimicking her smile. 

“Can I ask you something?” I nod. “I know you still love Mae, and that is wholly understandable, but do you think you could ever love someone like that again?” My heart stutters and stops, and then rapidly picks up pace. “You—you don’t have to answer, obviously, if you’re not—I just…I guess you could say I’m curious.”

“I know I could,” I say, our eyes locked and searching the others. “I know I can love someone again, but I will always love Mae.” 

“I would never ask you to stop.” Juliana’s eyes widen dramatically. “I—I mean, I would hope that they wouldn’t ask you to. I mean—not that I would ask you to stop. Not that I’m assuming you were talking about me. I just mean, you know—” 

“Juliana,” I laugh, taking her hand in mine, “relax. I know what you’re saying.”

“You—you do?” 

“I promise, whoever I love does not and will not expect that of me. They’re far too kind and understanding for that,” I smile, my heart fluttering erratically in my ribcage. “Come on, game nights starting soon, and I can’t wait for you to see this shit show.” 

She laughs as I tug her off the bed to follow me downstairs. “Think someone is going to throw a board game outside again?” 

“I have no doubt.” We share a smile before we descend the staircase, her hand still firmly clasped in mine. 

*** 

I should have been expecting this, to be honest. No part of my dad’s idea seemed like a good one; I mean we all know that anything that remotely put the culprits from Monopoly Gate at the same game table will not end well. But we’re hopeful. 

Okay, I’m not hopeful, but it appears that everyone else in my family is giving them the benefit of the doubt. When Juliana and I reached the living room, my whole family is standing in a large circle around my dad who’s holding a baseball cap with all of our names in it. 

He pulls out the first four names, “Johny, Valentina, Renata, and Eva; congratulations, you get first pick.” He grins happily and holds out his hat to the four of us that step up to him. 

“What games are there?” Lucía asks. 

“Not Monopoly, I hope,” Eva says which garners a round of laughs. 

“We haven’t replaced Monopoly,” my dad mixes the names in the hat while he speaks. “Anyway, we have Sorry the dining room table, Scrutineyes at the kitchen island, and The Game of Life here in the living room. Now, captains, pick your game.”

We spend the next five minutes in groups discussing which player wants to go where. It quickly turns into a yelling match across teams because we can’t neatly organize everyone into the games without having too many players at one game and not enough at another. 

“Quiet!” I yell immediately silencing my arguing family. “Raise your hand for Life,” I say next, and send Lucía , Bella, Eva, and Silvina to the couches in the living room. “Now, Sorry?” My dad, Tiberio, Guille, and Uncle Johny raise their hands; I immediately know this won’t end well, but I send them to the dining room table. “The rest of us will be playing Scrutineyes.” I share a smile with Juliana before leading us, Lucho, Mateo, and Renata to the kitchen island. 

There’s some chatter around the house as everyone is setting up their perspective games and going over the rules with people who may not understand the game. Mostly, it’s my table explaining to Juliana how to play Scrutineyes since she’s never heard of it. 

“All we do is roll the dice, cover up whatever side of the picture it tells us to, and search that remaining section for objects that start with the letter it denotes on the picture,” Renata says, pointing to all the objects on the table. “We have two minutes to find things, and then we go one by one naming what we have on our lists, whoever has the most items that no one else has, wins.” 

“Oh, god, okay,” Juliana rubs her forehead. “I think I can do this.” 

“Of course, you can!” I say incredulously. “You’re basically a walking dictionary; I have no doubt that you’re going to crush this.” She blushes profusely, ducking her head. 

“Thanks,” she mumbles. Lucho gags. Mateo and Renata both throw their pens at him. The game starts quickly, and I was right, Juliana is a genius. She finds the most obscure objects every time, she knows the names of the most ridiculous objects, leaving us all gaping at her. There’s a lot of laughter floating from every corner of the house, and for once, I think game night is going well. There aren’t any fights, yelling, or curse words being thrown about. We’re about an hour in when the first argument breaks out. 

“Half-goat is not the appropriate term, Lucho!” Juliana yells beside me. 

“It’s half man, half goat!” He argues back pointing at the picture.

“You’re reaching! It’s a satyr, everyone knows it’s a satyr,” Juliana counters and then points at the bottom of the picture. “Just because it’s an accurate description that allows you to get the point for having an H letter word, doesn’t mean it’s the correct term.” 

“Val, please control your girlfriend,” Lucho sneers. 

“Mm, no thank you,” I say crossing my arms over my chest. “She’s her own woman and doesn’t need controlling. Besides, she’s right, and you’re wrong.” 

“I am not!” He protests. 

“Actually,” Renata speaks up, “Juliana is right. The correct term is satyr, not half-goat.” 

“Come on, Lucho, you know you’re wrong,” Mateo says patting him on the back. “Don’t be so proud.”

Lucho grumbles, but nods. “Sorry, Juliana.”

“No worries,” she shrugs. “I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have spoken to you like you were a child.” He nods and they both share a smile before we continue the game. Juliana allows him to have half a point for being half correct. It’s the most civil disagreement to occur during game night. I was waiting for the game to be thrown, fists to start flying. This is probably the calmest game night any holiday has seen since the inception of this tradition. 

And then all hell breaks loose at the Sorry table. 

“You did that on purpose!” My dad shouts from the table behind us. 

“Sorry not sorry, bitch!” Uncle Johny shouts. “Have fun back at start, León!” 

“This game is rigged!” My dad slams his fist on the table, I turn around to see another one of his pieces being sent back to start by Tiberio

“You’re just being a piss baby because you’re losing,” Tiberio’s voice rising above the shouting, he moves his piece toward Home on the board. 

“Seriously, dad, what happened to being a good sport tonight!” Guille says. 

“You all keep screwing me over, you’re clearly trying to get a rise out of me,” my dad fumes. 

“That’s the point of the game,” Uncle Johny adds, yelling over my dad who’s still ranting and raving about them ganging up on him. 

“Well this game is stupid!” My dad pushes his chair back forcefully as he stands up. 

“You’re acting like a child, León, sit down,” Tiberio scolds. “Is this how you act in the court room when you’re losing a case? Act like a damn adult.”

“It’s just a game, dad, come on,” Guille tries to calm him. Uncle Johny takes his turn again and pulls another card that sends my dad’s last piece back to start as he takes his place right near the bottom of the safe zone for his pieces. 

“That’s it!” My dad screams gathering up the game and storms out of the kitchen. 

“Uh-oh,” I say as I stumble off my stool to chase after him. “Dad don’t—” The whole family abandons their games and rushes to the front of the house just as my dad wretches the door open and tosses Sorry out into the snow. 

“Every damn year,” Lucía sighs dropping her head into her hands. 

“The Infamous Sorry Shit-Show of 2018,” Lucho adds as he walks back to the kitchen. 

“I need a drink,” Uncle Johny grumbles as he beelines it for the alcohol, Silvina hot on his tail. My dad stalks past everyone and up to his room where we all let him go without argument. Lucía doesn’t even bother to follow, instead follows Uncle Johny and Silvina and hits the hard liquor. 

“I’ll get the wine glasses out,” Tiberio says giddily. I turn to Juliana who is grinning from ear to ear. 

“That was everything I hoped it would be,” she says. “Your family is insane, and I love it.” I chuckle and roll my eyes at her. 

“Come on, let’s go finish our game and get wine drunk courtesy of Tiberio.” I offer her my elbow jokingly, but she takes it and we walk back into the kitchen regally. Tiberio offers us glasses of wine that he continues to refill whenever we take a sip. The games roll on and those who were playing Sorry spectate the other games as they continue. We’re all a little tipsy and giggling by the time we finish another round of games a few hours later. My dad eventually made an appearance back downstairs where we all mercilessly teased him; he’s banned Sorry from game night. 

“I can’t wait to see what game ends up in the snow next year,” Juliana teases my dad. My head turns toward Juliana wide eyed, and confused at her words, but she’s too busy having a stare down with my dad to notice. 

“Careful there, Juliana, you might end up in the snow next to Sorry,” my dad playfully shakes his fist in the air at her. She grins. 

“She fits right in,” Renata says as she seats herself next to me. “She must really love you if she’s willing to stick around after that display of hyper masculinity.” Before I can respond, she’s walking away and taking a seat next to Guille. Juliana’s hand finds its way into mine as she continues to have playful banter with my dad. 

She sneaks a playful glance at me and squeezes my hand before jumping back into the conversation. I just stay silent, watching her in reverie, oblivious to the looks and jokes my family are sending my direction. Their teasing words of being “smitten” and “head over heels” go in one ear and out the other. The only thing I see or hear is the beautiful woman I get to call my girlfriend for another week and a half. The same woman who turns to look at me with the same soft smile I’ve come to adore. 

Okay, maybe I’m a bit smitten, a little head over heels, but it’s just infatuation. Right? 

***

It’s later in the night, most of my family went to bed a few hours ago. Juliana and I are up in the game room watching TV. Our bodies are close together, thighs pressed against each other, hands brushing casually against on another whenever we can. I’m not focused on the show, honestly, I have no idea what she even put on. My eyes are glued to her as she grins at the show, mouthing along with the actors, laughing occasionally. She doesn’t notice me for a while, her attention heavily attached to the TV. It isn’t until the next episode is loading up that she turns to meet my stare. 

“I’m sorry, is my quoting bothering you?” She asks sheepishly. 

“No,” I say smiling. “It’s cute. You know exactly what’s going to happen and you still get so much joy out of it.” 

“It was my favorite show growing up. It was the only thing that helped me escape my reality sometimes,” She admits after a beat. “I’ve watched it repeatedly since I was young. Sometimes, when it was just my mom and I, she would sit with me and watch. I like to think she’s watching it with me, you know? It’s nice to feel close to her even though I don’t have a strong grasp on who she was when she was alive.” 

“What do you know about your parents?” I ask. She scoots her back against the backrest and throws her legs over my thighs; I move closer, placing my arms on her calves. She smiles softly. 

“Not nearly enough,” she says. “They met in high school; my mom and dad were in the same English class their second year. Their teacher assigned them as partners for the year-long project they had to do. My mom told me they hated each other at first. They’d meet at my dad’s house to do work and my grandma would hear them constantly bickering about the project. Until, one day, she told me something changed and there was laughter, and they ended up cozied up together on the couch. It was love from then on. 

“They got married right out of college and had me not too long after. And then, well you know, things went to crap really quickly, and they died. Before my only grandma died, she would tell my stories about them when they were young. Like how my mom loved the read, and dance, and sing, even though she wasn’t super great at the latter two. My dad was a movie buff, and could dance far better than my mom, so they were always going out dancing. When I got older, I started to read all their favorite books from 1984, to Dante’s Inferno, and The Things They Carried. I dove into every genre of the books they loved trying to find pieces of them in the characters.” 

“Did you?” 

“I like to believe I did.” She takes my hand in hers, running her thumb over the back of my hand absentmindedly as she stares off. “You know, most people love a book or the characters because they can relate to them in some way. I like to think my parents were good people who were victims of circumstance. I think, my mom saw the good in people, and my dad wanted to help those he thought were right. In their own ways, that was their demise. But I try to live a life in a way that honors the more positive aspects of those traits.” 

“Would they approve of you pretending to be my girlfriend and lying to my whole family?” I brace myself for the answer, but my ears are met with her musical laughter. 

“I’m not sure I would need or even want their approval,” she regards me gently. “You’re a good person, Val, I saw it the first day I met you and I still see it now. Regardless of what my parents would have wanted, I would help the desperate woman, with a tragic backstory, and beautiful eyes.”

“Beautiful eyes?” I shot her a disbelieving look. Has she seen her own? Mine look like a lump of dog shit compared to those galaxies she has hidden within her. 

“They are the window to the soul, you know.” Juliana winks and then shrugs “You needed help, I needed a distraction. You know, after Sergio said those awful things, all I could picture was a holiday break where I drowned myself in ice cream and isolated myself from everyone I know. After all the years I spent with him, it’s hard being away from him still. I expect to wake up to the sound of him typing away on his laptop working on some new project, or to shake him awake when I find him asleep at his desk. We used to spend hours together playing retro video games, reading in each other’s arms, or watching this show.” She gestures to the tv. “He was the only person I could be real with and express the guilt I feel for my parent’s death. He never once looked at me like I was fragile or pitiful. Whenever I was feeling down, he would take me by the hand, and we’d go on an adventure. We’d flip a coin at every turn—heads for left, tails for right—and see where it took us. 

“We ended up at a bird sanctuary, laser tag, a random zoo miles away from where we started. Those are some of the best memories I have with him. He was spontaneous, goofy, and was so, so, incredibly caring. I hate the way things ended with us, I hate that he thinks so little of me. But I’m also thankful to be out of a relationship that was empty and devoid of any affection.” She pauses and eyes me carefully. I’m trying to keep my heart in control, but it’s sputtering uselessly in my chest. My hands grip tightly on her calves and I try to make it look like I’m holding her legs up here, but really, I’m trying to hold my reaction in. I know she said she doesn’t love him, but a strange tug is pulling at my insides and I don’t like it. “I wasn’t sure coming here with you was a good idea…but after spending time with you and your family, I’m really glad I came. You’ve shown me nothing but kindness. And I know my part in your family isn’t permanent, but I love it. I’ve never had a big family, or really a family, and yours welcomed me with open arms. I just—I’m happy I met you, Val. My life is brighter and fuller because of you…”

“I’m thankful I got to know you, Juliana,” I admit softly. “I’ve become more myself this past week since knowing you.” We share a delicate smile, one I worry will break if we look away. I wonder, not for the first time, what it would be like to kiss that smile of hers for no other reason than wanting to. What would happen if I closed the space between us and placed my lips on hers? I’m tempted to find out. I’m not sure I have the self-restraint to keep this impulse to myself any longer, not when my feelings for her are rising and rising and bubbling to the surface like a pot full of boiling water. I’m so close to doing it, so close to taking the leap and kissing that delectable smile off her lips and replacing it with a smirk I’m sure would lead us to something us. 

But she stretches, and yawns, and offers me her hand. 

“We should get to bed, I do recall something being said about drinking with your siblings and Lucho tomorrow night.” 

“Right, yeah, of course,” I say shaking my head and taking her outstretched hand. She lets go immediately and walks toward the stairs expecting me to follow. The imaginary scene of us kissing plays temptingly in my mind. I hold my breath and attempt to keep myself away from her to stay in control of my impulses. I want her. I want her more than I want to admit it. I want to feel her lips on mine, on my skin, down my body; her hands tangled in my hair, her body—

“You coming slow poke?” She teases popping her head back around the corner from the stairs. 

“I wish I was…” I mumble under my breath so she can’t hear me as I walk to catch up with her. 

I doesn’t surprise me when I end up with my back pressed against her front and her arm slung loosely over my stomach as we fall asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anyone else has ever played Drunk Mario Kart, but I highly recommend. 
> 
> Also, some smut at the end of the chapter.

Juliana and I had fallen asleep cuddling last night. We didn’t question it; I didn’t at least. Honestly, I’m trying not to think too hard about it. After a few glasses of wine last night, we excused ourselves to go to bed, both of us tipsy. We crashed into the bed after getting ready for bed, our bodies immediately gravitating toward each other without a seconds thought. It’s one of the first nights I don’t wake up until the sun is peaking through the cracks in the blinds. Not much longer after I wake up, Juliana soon follows, a sleepy smile stretching lazily across her lips. I can’t help but smile back. 

 

“I’m going to read in here for most of the morning, if that’s okay,” she says stretching her arms above her head, her shirt rides up showing a sliver of tan skin. I wet my lips before begrudgingly dragging my eyes up to meet hers. 

“Yeah, yeah, go for it,” I say. “Do you want me to bring you up food?” She nods and clambers ungracefully out of the bed into the bathroom. I bring her up some fruit and a coffee—black, just how she likes it—and leave it on the side table while she’s still in the bathroom. I head back downstairs to whip myself up some eggs while I sip at my own coffee—it doesn’t taste nearly as good as it does when Juliana makes it, though. 

Lucía pads into the kitchen, her robe tied tightly around her waist, her hair pulled back into a pony-tail. “Good morning, Val,” She says as she walks passed to the coffee pot, pouring herself a cup. 

“Morning, Lucía .” 

“Are you ready for Christmas tomorrow?” She asks. 

“Yeah, all the presents we brought are under the tree already. Juliana’s just got dropped off my Jacobo.” She nods with a smile. “Eggs?” I ask. 

“Sure,” she says as she leans against the kitchen island behind me nursing her coffee mug in her hand. I crack a couple eggs into a bowl, add a bit of milk, and whisk it together as the pan heats up. “Where’s Juliana?” 

“In our room reading.” The pan sizzles as I spread butter across the surface and pour the eggs in. “She likes to go into her own world sometimes, helps her relax.” I move the eggs around in the pan with a spatula as they cook. 

“She’s lovely, Val,” she says after a beat. “We were worried for a while at the beginning, when you first started dating. You were still so withdrawn, distant; I wasn’t sure she was making you happy.” 

“After Mae died, I wasn’t sure I could ever be happy again,” I say taking a sip from my mug, “at least not in the way I was before. Juliana came into my life when I needed her most; she was a breath of fresh air…” 

“But?” Lucía prompts when I pause.

“But it took me a while to really let her in. I got used to being on my own, taking care of myself. The pain I felt when Mae died had become the only constant in my life; I used it as a crutch.” I split the finished scrambled eggs up and put them on two plates for us. She thanks me. “You, dad, Eva, Guille, you all treated me like I was fragile. And then you all made me feel like I had to move on so quickly. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to still love Mae.

“Oh, honey…” Lucía says putting her hand on my shoulder. 

“No, it’s okay, I don’t hold it against you guys.” We take seats at the round table. “She’s doesn’t make me feel like I can’t still love or miss Mae. She lets me talk about her, relive old memories, and she doesn’t make me afraid that she’ll leave because of that. For the first time in three years, I feel like myself again. I smile more, I have fun, I don’t dwell as much on Mae dying as much as I did before.”

“She makes you happy.” Lucía lays her hand over mine. “We can all see that.”

“She does,” I smile at her widely. 

“You love her.” I duck my head but remain silent. I can hear her chuckle. “And she loves you. The way you two look at each other, honestly, it reminds me of your father and I when we first met.” I lift my head up to find her staring at me sincerely. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t love Mae or miss her. I was so worried about you, and I thought that maybe moving on would help you be that happy, goofy, jokester that we all love. That was wrong, and I’m sorry. We all miss her, but we’re all happy you have found someone who takes care of you and loves you as much as Juliana does.” I gulp, fighting back tears threatening to spill. Lucía rushes over to me, noticing the emotion written across my face. She wraps her arms around me tightly, pressing her lips to the top of my head. 

“I’m scared I’m going to lose her, too,” I whisper. 

“You can’t think like that, Vale,” Lucía soothes. “No matter what happens, you two have something special, and you will always have that.” I nod into her shoulder as she pushes my hair back, kissing my head again. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Valentina.” I hear footsteps thunder through the kitchen and a pair of arms wrap around the both of us. 

“And I love you more, Val,” my dad says enthusiastically. 

“Group hug!” Guille’s voice calls out, and three pairs of arms wrap around all of us. 

“Ugh,” I groan. “I can’t breathe!”

“Let us smother you in our love, Valentina,” Eva yells from the back of the pack. 

“Yeah, Tina, we don’t often get to shower you in affection,” Guille adds. 

“Heh, Tina…” Eva chuckles, and my dad joins in.

“Please let go, I can’t breathe!” I yell. Everyone steps back. “Thank you.” My dad ruffles my hair and pulls me into another hug. 

“Love you, kiddo.”

“You too, dad.” I smile at them and go back to eating my breakfast. We all bumble around the kitchen and my dad shows everyone the fruit guillotine he created. Which, of course, leads to the three of them trying to see what else the guillotine can cut. Lucía and I all leave the kitchen before we see one of them lose their fingers. 

***

We spend the rest of Christmas Eve as a family after dinner. We put on a few classic Christmas movies, drank hot chocolate, ate a bunch of popcorn, and talked through most of the evening. Bella passes out on the couch around nine, and Eva and Mateo bring her up to bed. Which is when the rest of us enact the Santa Plan. Every year, since Bella was born, we always set the house of to look as if Santa has stopped in. 

We leave cookies and milk out for Santa, and even some carrots for the reindeer. Lucho always volunteers—more like races everyone—to eat the cookies and leave some crumbs behind; he usually downs the milk in one gulp. Silvina takes bites out of the carrots, since she’s the only one willing to eat them uncooked. My dad puts on a pair of boots and dusts flour over the soles, making foot prints from the fireplace to the cookies and milk by the tree, and then back again. By the time were down, it’s late, and the parents and grandparents head to bed, leaving the rest of us alone for our annual drinking night. 

Mateo and Eva join us downstairs with a bottle of spiced rum in hand, and a wide grin. Lucho pulls a case of beer out of the fridge and follows the rest of us down to the basement. When we were younger, we always did a cousin night on Christmas Eve. We’d stay up as late as we could playing games or waiting for Santa to appear. As we got older, the games included alcohol, which has led us to playing Mario Kart drunk—which we started calling Drunk Driving. Guille had played it at a party and brought the idea home to the rest of us. We’ve been playing it ever since. 

“We’ll have to play in rotations since there’s so many of us,” Eva says as Lucho hands out beers to everyone. “Two rounds, and then a winners match, sound good?” 

“Um,” Juliana raises her hand sheepishly. 

“You don’t need to raise your hand, babe,” I laugh pulling her hand back down. “What’s up?” 

“What the hell are we playing?” 

“Drunk Mario Kart,” Renata grins putting herself on the couch. “And I call first round.” Lucho hops onto the couch next to her, Guille and Mateo follow. 

“Just watch, you’ll understand in a minute,” I say leaning against the wall behind the couch. Juliana takes a spot next to me, her arm pressed against my side, her hand brushing mine. Renata, Lucho, Guille, and Mateo open their beer cans before starting the race. Guille chugs his rapidly before driving. Lucho races ahead putting himself in the lead before pulling over and chugging his beer. Renata and Mateo both go the three laps before stopping right at the finish line and chugging their beers. Renata downs hers first before crossing the finish line with a victorious yell. 

“Suck it, Guille! I told you I would beat you this year.” 

“Dude, Renata finally figured out how to chug her drink,” Lucho says in awe. 

“I’ve been practicing so I could kick your asses.” She grins victoriously as the boys laugh and let the next players go. 

“This is going to suck, isn’t it?” Juliana says. 

“Oh, absolutely, I’ve never been good at this,” I say with a chuckle. “I’ve never once made it to the final round, and we’ve been doing this for years.” 

“You ready?” I ask Juliana and she races me to the couch. Eva joins us as everyone else gathers around to watch. Juliana, Eva, and I open our beers and start the race. Eva doesn’t hesitate before chugging the whole can in a matter of seconds. Juliana isn’t far behind her. I’ve already taken off to try to get farther ahead of them before they can catch up. I manage to avoid falling off the track, and make it right to the finish line, a little bit ahead of Eva and Juliana who are fighting neck and neck. Eva is focused and bumping her shoulder against Juliana’s who’s laughing like a maniac. I start to chug my beer and I think for once I might actually win this. The can is empty. I pick up my controller.

“Blue shell cometh!” Eva yells with triumph. “Blue shell taketh away!” My kart is hit with the shell causing an explosion and I’m left disoriented and so close to the finish line as Eva passes over it and wins. 

“Fuck you, Eva!” I throw my controller down. “I was so close!”

“Close doesn’t make you a winner, Val.” She sticks her tongue out at me as I sulk off; Mateo and Guille high five her. Juliana comes up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist, planting a kiss on my cheek. 

“You’re a winner in my book,” she says with a grin. 

“Get a room,” Lucho teases as he hands us the bottle of rum Eva brought down. We pass it back and forth a few times before the next race starts and Lucho wanders off to watch Eva try to kick Renata’s ass. The game goes poorly, all of them having fallen off the track so much the two of them ended in the last two places of the race. 

“Redo!” Eva announces, and the two of them get a new beer. I feel the heat of the alcohol spread through my body, and in my foggy thoughts, I remember the chocolate ice cream that’s in the freezer. While everyone is preoccupied, I sneak up the stairs to the kitchen. 

It’s dark, and I manage to bump into a couple chairs and the table trying to find the switch for the light above the island. I’m too lazy to scoop the ice cream out of the carton so I nab a spoon from the drying rack and dig in. I’m a few spoonful’s in when I hear footsteps coming from behind me. 

“There you are,” Juliana breathes. “And you’re eating ice cream.” 

“Want some?” I mumble around a mouthful of ice cream. She shakes her head and laughs. 

“They keep falling off the tracks, so the race is taking forever,” She laughs again. “I think that’s my favorite holiday tradition you have.”

“Mine too,” I say taking another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth. “We usually play more than a few rounds to determine the grand champion, but it’s late, and we’re not as young as we once were.” 

“You’re not even old.” She takes a seat at the island with me, watching as I bring the spoon to my lips and pulling it back out. 

“You sure you don’t want any?” I ask noticing how transfixed she is every time I take a bite of ice cream. 

“I’m sure.” I shrug. “You’ve got a little—” Juliana says pointing at the corner of my mouth. I look down and dart my tongue out flicking it over my lips trying to get the bit of ice cream off. When I loop back up at Juliana to confirm I got the ice cream, I notice her eyes are focused on my mouth. 

“Did I not get it?” I ask and Juliana brings her eyes up to meet mine. A red tint covers her cheeks and I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol or something more. Her brown eyes are much darker, and her pupils are dilated. Her gaze flickers back down to my lips and I lick them again thinking I missed the chocolate. I see her gulp, and her breath hitch. Before I can react, Juliana reaches out and tugs me toward her, her fingers curling at the nap of my neck. The spoon clatters onto the table and the ice cream is immediately forgotten. She kisses me quickly, heated. Teeth nipping at lips. Tongues tangled and seeking. I barely have a chance to register what happened when she pulls away. We’re both flushed and panting. 

“You taste like chocolate.” She mutters with a dumb smile on her face. 

“I did just eat chocolate ice cream,” I say between pants. A smirk starts to stretch across Juliana’s face. 

“I wonder what else you taste like…” 

“We’ve been drinking, Juls…” I say weakly. 

“So?” She challenges, her eyes dancing across my face, settling on my eyes. “Even when I’m sober, I want you.” She steps closer, pushing our bodies together, her hands run down my sides, resting on my hips. 

“Juliana,” I breathe, trying to find a reason that this is a bad idea. But I can’t. The soft smile I adore is resting on the lips that I want nothing more than to kiss right now. I look back into Juliana’s eyes, and I can see she’s feeling what I’m feeling. I grab her shirt and slowly tug her lips down to mine. The kiss isn’t as rough or messy as the previous one; it’s slow, tender, and spreads a warmth in my chest and straight through my body. She moves her lips away from mine and along my jaw, nipping at my ear, trailing kisses and bites down my neck. “Fuck,” I moan and tear myself away from Juliana’s mouth. I toss the ice cream back in the freeze hastily and grab Juliana by the hand and drag her upstairs. 

I close the bedroom door shut behind us and turn to face her. My eyes trace her body hungrily. “Like what you see?” Juliana teases with a smirk. I cross the room and kiss the stupid smirk off her face. She kisses back with as much fervor, and I slowly lead her back to the bed. I pull back for a moment, searching her face for consent and affirmation that this is okay. She tugs me back roughly, pressing her lips against mine. “I want you. I want this,” she moans softly into my mouth, placing my hands on her body. 

I push her back onto the bed and crawl over to her. I attach my lips to her neck, sucking slowly, trailing nips down across her collarbones, and back up. The room fills with Juliana’s moans, her hands seeking purchase on my back. I sit up and take my shirt off; she eagerly takes her off as well. Before I can continue my path down her body, she flips the positions and I find myself staring up at her. 

“What—” 

“Did you really think I was going to let you lead?” She asks, quirking her brow at me suggestively. I don’t get a chance to respond before she’s biting down on my collarbone, making me moan out in a mixture of surprise in pleasure. Her lips begin to trail downwards, slowly sucking on different parts of my body until she arrives at the top of my pants. She looks up at me and quirks an eyebrow and I nod my head eagerly. She slowly takes my pants and underwear off and then tends to her own before beginning to plant small kisses up my thighs. 

By the time she reaches my hips, I am writhing with need. I buck my hips upward in an attempt to find something to grind on and Juliana happily bends down and begins to move her tongue in a circular motion on my clitoris. I already can feel myself building an orgasm quickly, so I gasp out for Juliana to stop before I do. Instead of slowing down, she speeds up and puts one of her fingers inside me, finding my g-spot easily. I become a shaking mess underneath her and I feel the familiar pulling in my abdomen that tells me I’m about to have an orgasm. My eyes roll back in my head as I begin to climax. 

“Fuck. Juliana,” I moan loudly as I orgasm. When I finally come down, I look at her and she smiles at me and comes up to meet our lips together once again. 

“My turn.” She mutters against my lips as she takes my hand and runs it up her thigh until she places one of my fingers on her clitoris. I go slowly, building up the tension. She begins to moan into my mouth and biting on my lower lip with each circle I complete. “Faster,” she commands breathily. I comply, the dominant tone turning me on again. She kisses me ferociously, and I respond with as much enthusiasm. 

Finally, she comes up for air and moves my hand once again, this time towards her entrance. I insert one finger and she begins to ride my hand. I take one of her nipples into my mouth and begin to suck at a similar rate as my finger is going inside of her. Her walls begin to clench around my finger that tells me she is getting close. I take my thumb and place it on her clitoris once again and Juliana begins to shake as she reaches her climax. 

“Oh. My. God. Val,” she moans as she orgasms. As she comes down, she gives me one final kiss before going to lay down next to me. We’re both breathless and speechless. 

“Well…” I start. 

“So, that happened.” She adds with a chuckle and turns to look at me smiling. “Have any regrets?” I shake my head, smiling blissfully. 

“Nope,” I say and scoot closer to her slinging my arm over her stomach and tucking my head in the crook of her neck. “Not a single one.”

“Me neither,” she whispers, pressing a sleepy kiss to my temple. 

We drift off to sleep, legs tangled together, naked bodies pressed flush against each other. Maybe this could be another Christmas Eve tradition for us…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, these girls are verses/switches in my mind, BUT, I have and always will see Juls as more of a top in bed. Purely because of the idea that Val has a more dominant personality on the streets and Juls has a more submissive one, it can be exhausting to carry those roles at all times. And therefore! 
> 
> Dom!Juls and Sub!Val is my choice for this fic. 
> 
> Come at me.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.

I wake up in the morning to Juliana’s back pressed against my front. Our hands are clasped together over her waist and our legs make a tangled web beneath the covers. I haven’t woken up with a smile as large as this one since Mae. It’s a nice change of pace. 

 

She stirs under my arm. “Morning,” I mumble against her neck pressing a kiss on the soft skin below her ear. She rolls over in my arms in hugs me tightly. 

“Morning,” her voice groggy with sleep. She gazes up at me with a drowsy grin, “merry Christmas.” 

“Merry Christmas, Juls.” She tilts her head up and kisses me. “We should get dressed before Bella decides to barge in to wake us up.”

“She wouldn’t…”

“Oh, she would,” I laugh and begrudgingly tear myself away from her. “She takes Christmas morning very seriously. And I don’t need to get a lecture from Eva about scarring her daughter for life.” I stretch when I stand up beside the bed and shake off the sleepiness before walking toward the bathroom. Turning around to ask her if she’s coming, I find her hungrily watching me, her bottom lip tugged between her teeth, her eyes skimming along my body. “We so do not have the time.”

“It’s called a quickie for a reason, love,” she says with a playful smirk. I’m tempted to agree. I almost do, until a knock against our bedroom door sounds in the room. 

“You girls awake?” My dad’s voice calls through the wood. “Bella has been bouncing off the walls waiting, better hurry up! No time for morning sex.”

“Dad!” I yell, heat flooding my face. He laughs boisterously. 

“Just get downstairs before Bella rips open everyone’s gifts!” I grumble as I hear his footsteps receding. Juliana is cackling on the bed. 

“That man is something,” she strides over to me and pulls me into the bathroom. She closes the door behind me and traps me between her and the door. 

“Juliana, we really don’t have the time for sex right now,” I say weakly, though my resolve is fading fast. 

“I know,” she leans forward, “but he didn’t say anything about making out.” 

We arrive downstairs twenty-minutes later, out of breath, puffy lips, and messily dressed. 

It doesn’t take a detective to figure out that we didn’t exactly follow my dad’s words…

***

Christmas morning goes relatively the same every year. We struggle to get everyone awake and ready at the same time. None of the adults—as in everyone that isn’t Bella—can’t feasibly start the day without caffeine, which takes a decent amount of time. Then we argue over who’s supposed to be Santa’s designated helper—it usually ends up being Guille since he’s the least selfish of the bunch. 

He puts on the Santa hat and passed out everyone’s stockings. The stockings are varying patterns and designs, some have names on them, others have pictures, and a few are plain that we use for significant others that haven’t cemented their place in the family yet. 

Bella tears into her gifts excitedly, oohing and ahhing at everything she pulls out. Stockings are the fastest to get through, per usual. There are a few little trinkets, a pair of socks, and a pack of chapstick; the usual stocking stuffers my mom always puts in there. 

Guille starts to hand out the larger gifts. And we each open them as they come, there isn’t much for the adults. I get a new pair of winter boots, a couple sweatshirts my family knows I like, and a new coffee pot since my old one barely functions. My siblings each opened their gifts from me; each got wood carvings—Eva’s is her, Mateo, and Bella, and Guille’s is of him and Renata. Bella squeals with delight when she opens her present from me. It’s a complete drawing kit and a sketchpad to go with it. 

“Auntie Val!” She yells as she barrels toward me. “Thank you so much.”

“Anything for you, munchkin.” I hug her tightly and kiss her head. “Draw me something, okay? I’ll get it framed and everything.” 

“Okay!” She grins and rushes back toward her presents, the unopened ones abandoned as her focus aimed at the art she’s about to make. All the kids chipped in and got our parents and grandparents a cruise trip to the Bahamas. 

Finally, Guille comes over and drops a gift off to Juliana. “For Juliana, Love Val,” He says with a smile. Juliana takes the gift and looks at me wide eyed. 

“I totally forgot—” 

“Don’t worry about it,” I say. “We said we weren’t going to get each other gifts this year, but I couldn’t pass this up.” I cover for her. Juliana smiles and timidly opens the present in her hands. I watch as her eyes widen and well with tears when she realizes it’s the first edition The Awakening that she had seen at the book shop the other day. 

“Val…” She whispers and turns her gaze at me. “You—thank you, so much. This means a lot to me.” 

“I know,” I smile softly at her. She kisses my cheek and turns back to the book to go through the pages. I watch as she stares in quiet reverie at the book, her hands lovingly running over the words and the cover. My family’s voices are humming in the background as they all chatter amongst themselves, but I’m too enthralled with the woman beside me. 

My dad and Uncle Johny go to the kitchen to whip up breakfast, and the rest of us disperse to put our gifts away and clean up the mess that the wrapping paper has made. I take my presents up to the room while Juliana curls herself up on the couch and dives into the book. 

While I’m putting my stuff away there’s a knock on the doorframe. 

“Hey,” Guille says as he comes into the room and sits on the foot of my bed. 

“What’s up?” I ask turning around. 

“So, you know how mine and Renata’s room is right next to yours?” 

“Yeah?” I furrow my brows and tilting my head. “Why?”

“I heard some…things last night.” He rubs the back of his neck, ducking his head and avoiding my gaze. 

“Oh, god,” I blush furiously. 

“Yeah…” He rubs the back of his head. 

“I’m so sorry! We—it was…it won’t happen again.” 

“Okay, as long as you’re happy, I can deal with it,” he says shrugging and grins easily at me. “Besides, based on last night, it sounds like she makes you plenty happy.” He smirks and I lunge forward to punch him. He dodges off the bed and races out the door. “Good talk, Val!” He yells as he disappears downstairs. I chase after him and skid to a stop at the end of the staircase. 

“Guille, get back here!” 

“Hell no! You’re gonna hit me!” He yells from the kitchen. I’m about to go after him when the front doorbell rings. I don’t even hesitate to open the door, although I probably should have. We aren’t expecting anyone, it’s Christmas morning after all. Who would even be here? The question is answered the moment I swing the front door open and the cheeky smile I had on immediately falls. 

An immaculately dressed man in a long peacoat and a scarf wrapped around his neck stands on the front porch. He smiles politely. 

“Hi, is Juliana here?” He asks and I feel my stomach plummet. 

“Umm—” I stammer looking over my shoulder cautiously and peek at Juliana who is sitting on the couch, her glasses perched on her head, clearly entranced by the book. She must feel my eyes on her because she turns to look at me, a soft smile on her face, that droops the moment she notices the panic across my face. She sets the book down and walks over to me, he her reaches for my waist, but immediately falls back to her side when she sees who is standing on my front porch. 

Her eyes widen. “Sergio?”

“What are you doing here?” Juliana asks after we both quickly throw on our winter coats and boots. We step out onto the porch and close the door behind us. “How did you even know where to find me?” 

“You know how you always lose your phone?” He asks with a chuckle. My chest tightens at the sound. Juliana nods silently beside me, her arms folded over her chest. “You had me put your phone on that tracking app so you could always find it.”

“Seriously? You stalked me here?” Juliana sighs incredulously. “You’re insufferable, Sergio. Go home.” 

“Please, can we just talk?” He says softly, eyes flicking at me and then back to Juliana. “Alone?” 

She scoffs, “whatever you need to say you can say in front of Val.” 

“Juliana, it’s really okay, I can—” I start to say, but she places her hand on my arm gently.

“I want you here. I need you, okay?” She whispers and I nod, tucking my hands in my jacket pocket. She faces Sergio, “what do you have to say?” 

“I want to formally apologize to you for the way I treated you at your job. It was immature and unprofessional of me to do that to you while you were at work, and I’m sorry, Juli.” He gazes at her sincerely. “You didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and I never should have spoken to you that way. My parents have been insufferable lately and I thought I would be happy following their plans for me, I thought it would get them off my back. I have never been more wrong about something. I’ve missed you every day since then; you’re all I’ve thought about. I hate myself for how I treated you, and I hope you know that I don’t see you as a less than me, I never have. You are brilliant, and kind, and compassionate. I—I want to go back to how we were when we first met. I want to be the man you fell in love with. Please, give me another chance, Juliana. I promise, I’ll treat you like the queen you are.” 

My eyes bounce between Juliana and Sergio like I’m watching an intense tennis match. Sergio is being open, honest, I can hear it in his voice. It’s not gruff and polite like it started out; it doesn’t sound like a business meeting pitch. When my eyes land Juliana, I know instantly what she’s thinking. I can feel it, see it written on her face. And the pain that shoots through my chest is excruciating. 

“Where are you staying?” She asks him, her arms falling to her side. 

“A hotel a few towns own, Rose Lake I believe,” he says, a hesitant smile forming on his lips. 

“Okay,” she nods. “This is your last chance. If I even see a glimpse of—” 

“You won’t,” he grins happily. My eyes are burning, my throat closing as I witness the scene unfold before me. 

“Wait in the car, I’ll be right down.” Sergio nods and walks off toward the car leaving Juliana and I standing on the porch alone. I turn wordlessly and move inside, haphazardly removing my coat and boots before walking stoically up the stairs trying to maintain my composure. When I hear the bedroom door click shut, I turn and face Juliana, tears already spilling from my eyes. 

“Are you seriously going with him?” I ask, voice cracking. Juliana walks passed me and starts pulling her clothes from the dresser and packing them into her suitcase. “Juliana.”

“Yes, I am,” she answers monotonously.

“Why?” I say, voice wavering, tone rising and falling with the sobs begging to fall from my lips. “After—after last night you’re really going to—” Juliana keeps throwing her clothes hastily into the suitcase before going into the bathroom to grab her toiletries. “Really, Juliana? You’re gonna fuck and run? I really thought—” 

“Thought what, Val?” Juliana says exasperatedly as she exits the bathroom and continues packing her suitcase. “I—I can’t just let him walk away. For the first time in three years, the first time since we started dating, I saw the man I love, not the asshole he turned into. I can’t ignore that. I would never—I could never forgive myself if I did that.” 

“But you’re willing to walk away from this—” I gesture between us, “you’re willing to give up on us?” 

“I don’t want to,” she whispers finally, her teary eyes meeting mine. “I—I have never been happier than this past week, please, you have to believe me. But I’ve put so much into this relationship with Sergio, I can’t let it fail without giving it another shot.” 

“You gave him three years’ worth of shots, Juliana!” I argue. I step closer to her, hands in loose, shaky fists at my side. “I finally let you in, I opened up to you in ways I haven’t opened up to anyone is years…and you’re going to fucking leave?” Juliana moves closer to me, reaching for my hands and loosening the fists to slip her fingers between mine. Her forehead rests against mine, her watery eyes locking with my teary eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Val,” she whispers softly. “I wasn’t expecting this; I didn’t anticipate him coming here or being more like the man I knew once. I—I don’t want to be selfish and ask you to remain in my life, but I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re the one that’s leaving me, Juliana.” 

“I know,” she says, her nose brushing against mine. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, or to understand why—” 

“I understand why,” I snap stepping away her and ripping my hands out of hers. “If anyone would understand getting back together with an ex, it’s me. You think I would even hesitate if Mae walked through that door right now? The only difference is she’s dead and she’s never coming back, and I never thought I would be able to let another person into my life like I did with her. I didn’t think I could love anyone like I loved her…and now you’re leaving me too.”

“That’s not fair,” she says. “If she was alive—”

“I never would have met you and you would be miserably in a relationship with a man who didn’t treat you right. A man who neglected you until he realized he lost you.” I wipe my eyes furiously, the pain welling inside my chest making the tears cascade down my cheeks. “What’s not fair is you crashing into my life, making me open up, flirting with me, sleeping with me, and then fucking off as if everything that happened between us means absolutely nothing to you.” 

“It does mean something to me!” She throws her hands up and lets out a huff of air. “But how can I, in good conscience, move on if I’m still wondering what if about Sergio and me? That’s not fair to you…you don’t deserve that.” 

I sigh, shaking my head, and run my fingers through my hair. “I’m tired of people deciding for me what I do and don’t deserve.”

“Val…” She says taking another step toward me, but I back up again. She stops. “I’m—I’m going to leave. I’m sorry.” She turns on her heel and takes her suitcase out the door with her. I slowly follow her, watching quietly as she slips her boots and jacket back on. My family has gathered near the front door, no doubt listening to our argument, watching her leave. She gives me one last look as she opens the front door. Tears spring at the corners of her eyes and slide down her face; I can feel my own following a similar path. 

I want to say the words. 

I want to make her stay. 

But I can’t ask her to do that. I can’t ask her to give up on someone she loves for someone she just met. I know if Mae was alive, if this was me in the situation, I would do the same. I can’t blame her for that. 

As she slips out the door, closing it slowly behind her, the words fall quietly from my lips. 

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, who’s ready for some ANGST?!


	17. Chapter 17

“Vale,” Guille comes up beside me, placing his hand gently on my shoulder. “Are you okay?” 

“Do you want me to get the guillotine?” My dad chimes in. I hear a smack. “Never mind.” 

“She left,” I mutter uselessly, turning to look at Guille. “She—she left to be with him…” I take a deep breath and walk back up the stairs quietly. My mind a whir of painful and deprecating thoughts. Images of Mae dead, flashes of Juliana leaving, kissing Mae in the bridge, hearing Juliana moan my name. Everything blurs together in a cacophony of pleasure and anguish that I don’t have the mental capacity or emotional strength to process right now. I can hear my family calling my name, trying to get me to come back, to talk to them. But I walk straight into my room and close the door. 

I turn on my music, playing it loudly through my speakers. Mutely, I strip the bed of the linens and blankets, tossing them out into the hallway. I tear through the room rearranging every piece of furniture, every poster, painting, and picture frame. All the furniture is in a different place, a different perspective from each one. 

I go back out into the hallway and find a new set of linens in the place where I had tossed the other ones—the tainted ones. I grab cleaning supplies from the hall before taking the linens back into the room with me. 

Each new song that comes on feels louder and angrier than the last. I feel numb to my own emotions; all I can think is that I need to clean everything. I need to get rid of her. Take her out of my room, my house, my thoughts. I make the bed. Vacuum the floor. Scrub the bathroom floor. Sink. Shower. 

I rearrange the furniture again. 

And again. 

And again. 

Until it really resembles nothing that it was before. The bed is pressed up against the windows taking the corner where the dresser was previously. The dressers line the wall like a barricade where the bed used to be. The picture frames are shoved into empty drawers. 

Nothing looks the same. 

Nothing feels the same. 

The only reminder that Juliana was here is the aching emptiness that fills my chest. I collapse onto my bed, staring out the window into the backyard. Snow falls to the ground, the sky grey and grumpy, the covered bridge stands out, once again, against the whiteness it’s surrounded by. I can see the footsteps that were from Juliana and I sitting out on the bridge. I can still see her smile, the soft gaze, the gentle touch. 

A painful sob rips out of my chest. 

I clutch helplessly at the pillows on the bed, my body craving something to hold—someone to hold. 

And I cry. The tears rush out of me like a dam breaking. 

My music is so loud, I can’t even hear my own sobs. I can’t hear someone come in the room. All I feel is the bed dip and a pair of arms wrap around me tightly. 

“Shh, Val, it’s going to be okay,” Eva’s voice drifts quietly into my ears. “I’m right here, you’re not alone. You’re going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.” She repeats it again, and again as I continue to cry in her arms. 

“I love her.”

“I know,” Eva says. 

“Why did she have to leave with him? Am I—am I not good enough? Too broken?” I mutter as my sobbing begins to subside. Eva runs her hand over my hand soothing. 

“You’re more than good enough, Vale,” she says. “I think she needs to figure out what she wants, you know? She loves you, we all could see it. But she needs to find who she is, what she needs, and what she deserves.”

“I don’t blame her for leaving,” I whisper. “She loves him too. She deserves better than him. He isn’t good enough for her; he’s ashamed of her. He wants her to change for him. I just want her to be happy. All I want is for her to be happy.” Tears slide slowly down my face, tickling my neck, dipping into my ear as I lay on my side. “I love her, but I don’t know if I can forgive her. The first person I open up to, the first person I fall in love with after Mae’s death…and this is what happen. I get left again to pick up my broken pieces.”

“You’re not alone,” Eva says seriously. “You have your whole family by your side. I know that’s not exactly what you mean, but we will never leave you. We’ll always be here to support you and love you. You don’t need to hide from us. We’ll never judge you.” 

I stay quiet, taking her words in. 

“I’ll give you some space, but please try not to stay in your room all day, okay? I know Izzy would love to spend time with you,” she says before giving me a tight squeeze and leaving the room. I turn the music down and tuck myself into the bed, exhausted from the morning and the tears. I let my body take a break and shut down for a while, falling into a dreamless sleep. 

***

I wake up at dinner time and amble my way downstairs. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I’m met with concerned looks when I enter the kitchen. 

“Please don’t treat me the way you all did the last time, okay?” I say shuffling to the dining room table and taking a seat between Guille and Eva. The shift of the seating arrangement is glaringly obvious to me. Guille pats my knee and Tiberio is careful to pour no wine in my glass. Everyone eyes me cautiously, waiting to see if old habits really do die hard.

I drink water. 

Everyone visibly relaxes. 

Silvina starts bringing the dinner over to the table, similar to what we had the first night; ham and turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and an assortment of vegetables. We pass each dish around, sharing with those who want some and passing it on to the next. 

Conversation at the table is quiet, not nearly as boisterous as it should be, and I know I’m to blame for that. But, as the wine keeps pouring in everyone’s glasses, the night gets more interesting. 

“I’m telling you,” Guille argues, “Android Artificial Intelligence is going to be a huge leap for us!”

“Did you not play that video game that game out last year?” Lucho points out. “There’s a legit Android rebellion that destroys the whole city.”

“If you play it that way,” Guille counters. 

“Seriously, Lucho, you made horrible decisions throughout that whole game,” Uncle Johny interjects with a roll of her eyes. 

“From what I could tell when Guille played, it’s a civil rights movement for the Androids who are tired of being treated as slaves and inhuman,” Renata adds.

“Yeah, they are able to experience complex emotions and understand the nuances of relationships,” Guille states. 

“I didn’t even trust cell phones when they were first introduced to the market,” Tiberio says from his seat at the end of the table. Silvina, in her heavily intoxicated state, slumps in her seat with her wine glass with a slow nod of her head. “I honestly think technology is taking it too far.” 

“You’re just saying that because you’re old and set in your ways,” my dad points out. “Technology has vastly improved our lives. I’m sure the androids in the video game the kids are discussing were treated poorly which led to the rebellion or civil movement or whatever-say-you. If we were to treat them with respect and acknowledged their intellectual complexities, then we would be fine.” 

“I’m not sure I agree with you,” Lucia adds. “We’re far off from having androids, I’ll tell you that. But technology really is going too far. I mean, look at those in-home speaker things that can recognize the nuances of your voice, every tone you use, and probably stores data of it. They know what you search for, where you go, what you like and don’t like. I mean, there are even targeted ads for you on social media based on things you may have only said. We’ll be crossing a line soon.”

“It actually reminds me of that book,” Renata says thoughtfully. “Oh, god, what is it called?” She looks over at Guille who is in his own heated debate with Lucho about what the protocol should be if there were ever an android crisis. 

“1984,” I say, “Big Brother’s watching you and all that, right? The idea that the government is watching every move you make, every word you say.”

“Yes!” Renata says clearly relieved. “The government has so much of us at their disposal. They can get into our computers, phones, hell, they even get our DNA from those ancestry tests. Now they can get voice samples at all times whenever they want.”

“Oh, shit,” Lucho muses. “They can totally hack the shit out of those can’t they? And like, eavesdrop into any conversation whenever they want…” The whole family pauses tensely before eyeing the Google Home that sits in the living room.

“So, how about this weather, yeah? Cold right,” My dad says loudly. 

“It’s winter, you jackass, of course it’s cold,” Uncle Johny says with a roll of his eyes. Every laughs and the tension in the room starts to dissipate; the good mood settles back around us, and we dive into another topic. 

I ignore the gnawing at my stomach when I think about having to go to sleep in an empty bed. And wake up alone. And go back home as if nothing ever happened between us. 

Taking another swing of wine, I plaster a smile back on my face and join the conversation. For now, I have my family. For now, I’m not alone. 

That counts for something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll come to notice that I'm big on writing stories where the characters heal and progress overtime. So, no, Val will not be falling into old habits of drowning herself in alcohol. Our girl has grown from that; and learned. Doesn't mean she's hurting any less though. 
> 
> To the next chapter!


	18. Chapter 18

The morning was boring. Breakfast was a fend for yourself moment; I had a croissant and a cup of tea. Coffee just didn’t taste the same this morning. 

I’m hiding out in the living room, feet propped up on the table, clicking through the television channels trying to find something that’ll keep my mind off Juliana. Clearly, no matter what I put on isn’t going to work. Which is great. I settle on some true crime show and let the somber and gravelly voice of the narrator fills the living room. 

My sweatpants clad legs are tucked under my butt, the cup of tea keeping my hands warm. I can’t keep my mind from wandering, but I’m too exhausted to stop it anymore. Sleep was pointless. I tossed. And Turned. And tossed again. My eyes burn from the complete lack of sleep I got last night. I could use a cup of Juliana’s coffee right now. Badly. 

I’m staring blankly into the tea. Maybe it’ll turn to coffee if I wish for it enough. 

“She’ll come back.” Lucía says as she comes into the living room. The corners of her lips tug up slightly, before falling back to neutrality. She pats my arm lightly when she gets closer and gives my shoulder a squeeze. 

“I don’t know about that…” I confess. 

“I do. You two were made for each other.” Lucía settles beside me and quietly watches the show I’ve left on. It’s going over the gory details of a serial murder that occurred during the 1970s in the United States. The details are intense. Bloody. Horrifying. Lucía is enthralled, naturally. Neither of us say anything else. Occasionally, I glance at the show, morbid curiosity getting the best of me. 

My eyes end up searching within the tea cup. I expected to be bitter and resentful toward Juliana. But the ache in my chest is screaming otherwise. I didn’t think I could ever move past Mae’s death. She was everything to me, but Juliana showed me that I could love Mae and move on without compromising what she meant to me. I don’t want to be the person who falls apart again after losing someone I love. I don’t want to fall into the same dark pit that I let myself the first time. 

“I don’t want to be the person I became after Mae died,” I whisper, setting the tea cup down on the table and looking toward Lucía .

“Then don’t.” She shrugs and tilts her head, a smile forming on her face. “We don’t have a choice in a lot of things in life; we can’t control everything. But we can control how we react to the obstacles we face. Maybe you couldn’t stop Juliana from leaving, but you can continue to be the person you became because of her.”

My head drops into my hands and I heave a heavy sigh. I raise my head up, eyes boring holes into the ceiling, biting back the tears. I take a deep breath. “I miss her.” 

Lucía nods. “She will come back. The amount of love that woman has for you…I have no doubt she will come back. Just you wait.” 

“And if she doesn’t?” 

“Then you pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and show her what the fuck she’s missing.” She shrugs as if it’s the most obvious answer. “Your worth is not determined by the love a woman can give you. It should be determined by you, and you alone.” She pats my shoulder once more before walking off into the kitchen for food.

I spend the rest of the day watching cartoons and drawing with Bella. She’s happily drawing in the sketchbook I got her, showing me with wide grins, and charcoal covered hands each new picture. Eva sits next to us, watching us both cautiously. She’s probably waiting for me to breakdown, run away crying, lock myself in my room for days on end…. But I’m not letting myself do that again. If not for myself, then for my family. They watched me go through hell the last time, and as hard as it was for me, it couldn’t have been much easier for them. 

Juliana taught me a lot. She taught me I can love those who are gone. I don’t have to constantly be in mourning to miss Mae. I can be happy even though she is gone; I’m thankful to have had the time with Mae even though it was cut shorter than I wanted it to be. And, maybe, that’s exactly how I should think about Juliana. 

She came into my life at the exact moment I needed her. We gave to each other the solace we needed at the time. And while she left too soon, sooner than I wanted her to, I’m happy to have had her in my life. Even for the short time she was there. 

***

The days fly by like they’re nothing. 

And they are. 

They’re filled with meaningless activities that I don’t find much joy in. We play several rounds of Jenga with the whole family, which ends as well as one would expect—with the blocks scattered across the kitchen in a fit of rage. At this point, I’m not even sure why my family continues to try to play games together.

It’s hard to spend any time with my family. I’m surrounded by a constant reminder that I’m one of the only people not coupled up. Guille and Renata have taken to cuddling closely on the couches as they read. Uncle Johny and Lucho have been fighting a lot over what to do during the day. And, as much as I love being with Bella, that means sitting with her disgustingly in-love parents. Which leaves me with my dad, Lucía , Silvina, and Tiberio; they’re not the most exciting group to hang out with. But I’ve been getting first dibs on all the treats they’ve been cooking. 

Guille finds me the day before New Year’s Eve sitting out on the covered bridge. I’m bundled into my jacket and scarf, body curled tightly together, legs bouncing creating an echoing thud on the wood. He sits beside me quietly. Both of us watching the snow fall around us. It’s snowed a lot since Juliana left. Any traces of her presence out here with me are gone. Now it’s just my solitary footprints pacing back and forth in the snow on either side of the bridge. 

“She’ll—” 

“If you say she’ll come back I will throw you off this bridge.” I turn a vacant glare his way cutting the rest of his sentence off. “She’s not going to come back. She chose him.” 

“But she loves you,” he offers up. But I shake my head, lifting my eyes to the roof of the bridge, a puff of hot air escapes my lips and forms a cloud in front of us. 

"Sometimes, love isn't enough, Guille," I say quietiy. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. Of my family constantly reassuring me she will come back. That she loves me. If she loved me, she would have stayed. But what can I expect of a relationship that started as a proposition? How can I believe that she’ll come back when we were nothing but strangers a week ago? I never thought people could fall in love so fast, I thought it was bullshit. That they were in-lust, simply infatuated. But this is more than that. This made me think that I was being cold and cruel. It took less than a week for me to develop feelings for her. It took me a few days more to realize I loved her. Maybe I was too late. Maybe if I had said something sooner…Maybe she wouldn’t have left after we had sex….

I don’t know if I can keep this secret to myself anymore. I kept it up for a year. Expect, that was before I fell in love with the very woman I was supposedly in love with this whole time. This woman that didn’t exist until a week ago. Juliana fell into my life by accident, at the exact moment that I needed her. Needed her to be my fake girlfriend. Needed her to show me how to love again. Needed her to be myself again. 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I say finally. 

“That’s okay,” Guille says nodding slowly. “I didn’t expect you to stay with her after she left with that guy.”

I shake my head vehemently. “No, I mean she was never my girlfriend.” He turns in his seat, his head tilted, brow furrowed. 

“What?” I take a deep breath and explain the whole thing to him. The weight on my shoulders lifts exponentially by the time I’m finished. Guille’s face is trained carefully into neutrality. Silence falls around us and I let him take the time to process everything I told him. I can’t even fully wrap my head around it either. A lot has happened in a short time. 

“I didn’t expect to actually fall in love with her,” I whisper. “She’s so different from anyone else in my life. Carefree, insightful, and just…she’s honest with me. She doesn’t take my bullshit, but she also doesn’t invalidate my feelings. She was just—she was exactly what I needed when I needed it. We were just supposed to fake it and then go our separate ways. Not actually develop stupid feelings, have sex, and then I get left once again to pick up the pieces by myself.”

“I know you’re tired of hearing this,” he says after a beat of silence, “but, I really do believe she felt the same about you. I know she left with Mr. Stick-Up-The-Ass, but I have no doubt she feels just as deeply about you as you do for her.”

“It doesn’t matter if she does. She still left.” 

“And if she came back?” 

“…I guess it would depend on when she came back,” I shrug. He nods and we both gaze straight ahead. Snowflakes flutter down sticking to the tree branches, hiding the brown of the bark beneath a white blanket. 

“You two weren’t together for long, but it was convincing, you know? It was glaringly obvious to everyone that you two had a connection to each other. That doesn’t just go away, no matter the time that passes.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and squeezes me to his side. I rest my head on his shoulder and we sit quietly taking in the distant sounds of the world. 

“I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been,” I whimper fighting back the tears. 

“You’re not alone. We’re all here for you, no matter what. You don’t have to go through this alone,” Guille says rubbing my back. “I promise.”

“Thanks, Guille,” I whisper. “I should tell everyone else, though. There’s no point in lying anymore.” 

“Are you sure?” He regards me carefully, his eyes searching mine. 

“I’m sure,” I pull away from the embrace. “Dad’s bound to find out eventually, I couldn’t keep this a secret forever.” 

“You were going to try though…” He points out with a small smile. I shove him, a soft chuckle falling from my lips. 

“Like I said, falling in love was not a part of the plan. I was going to tell dad we broke up in a few months, and no one needed to know anything else,” I shrug and stand up, brushing my pants off. We both start walking toward the house. “But things change. And, if by some miracle, she comes back, and I give her another chance…I want it to be real. I want our relationship to be based off reality, not a lie I created when I was in a dark place.” 

“I’ve got your back, Vale” he says as he opened the back door for us. He gives me one last hug before we enter the kitchen where the whole family is sitting. They turn their heads in unison when I clear my throat behind them. 

All eyes are on me. My hands shake at my side, and I know my voice will start to waver when I explain this bizarre story weaved full of lies. I’m prepared for the questions, the incredulous looks, and the disappointment from my mom especially. 

There is a large part of me that is remains hopeful that Juliana will come back. I want her to come back. And although it seems improbable, if there is a sliver of a chance that we could really be together. I need it to be honest, and true, and I need my family to know that it is. We may not be picture perfect, but to continue a lie for the rest of my life with them? The idea in and of itself leaves a gnawing feeling in my chest. 

I take a deep breath and exhale. “I have something I need to tell everyone.”

*** 

 

My conversation with my family goes surprisingly well. Most of it consists of them all insisting I’m pulling a prank on them. Lucho swears up and down that there’s no way Juliana and I weren’t actually together—I mean, his reasoning is that, if Juliana was actually single, how could she ignore his good looks and sexual wiles. Guille proceeds to smack him and mutter something about Lucho lacking game to get any woman. 

I explain everything, from the lie I told Eva to the moment I actually met Juliana to our planning sessions to the day she walked out the front door with Sergio. They sit quietly, listening to what I say. No one has any questions, the only statement made at the end of my story is from Lucía . 

“It may have started as a fake relationship,” she speaks up after I look around the room waiting for reactions, “but it certainly flourished into a real relationship.” There are murmurs of agreement around the room. 

“I’m with Lucía ,” Eva says. “I’m sorry you felt the need to lie about having a relationship, but it led you to such a beautiful woman, someone who we all see treat you the way you deserved to be. I don’t know anything about Juliana’s relationship with that Sergio guy, but it can’t be nearly as strong as the one she had with you.” 

“You two put some of the most classic romances to shame,” Chivis adds tapping her fingers on the edge of the table. “And I should know, I’ve read most of those books. Your love for each other filled every room you stepped into.” 

“Don’t wait for her to come back to you,” my dad says. “The longer you wait, the more she may think what you two have was just made-up.”

“Go, fight for her!” Renata shouts. “Tell her how you feel. Don’t just sit on your ass, twiddling your thumbs, wondering if she loves you the same. Tell her. And let her decide from there. At least you’ll have done everything you could do.” 

“Go get the girl, Val,” Guille nods with a grin. A chorus of agreements echoes through the room and Julia and Renata are pushing me toward the stairs. 

“Call her, text her, write her a letter, just do something,” Lucía says. 

“Lay it on the line,” Eva gives me a final shove toward the stairs. “There’s nothing more to lose, Val.” 

That’s how I end up sitting on my bed, my cell phone in my hand, a handful of notes written in my phone, each one different than the last. I can’t seem to get the words right. No matter how I say it, words seem to fail me. I try to explain everything I’m feeling, everything that has happened between us, in each message I draft up. But it seems like too much. Like it overwhelms me, I can’t imagine it not doing the same to her. All the attempts seem so convoluted, and far from the point. 

I don’t know how long I’m in my room doing this. Eventually, I settle on a short, simple, but concise message. It conveys exactly what I need it to, leaving little room for miscommunication and false interpretation, and just enough room for her to know the ball is in her court. 

“I know our relationship started as fake,” I say as I type the words on my screen, “but, I ended up falling in love with you. I know you’re with Sergio now, but I needed you to know how I feel. I want to be with you, Juliana, treat you the way you truly deserved to be treated. If there is any chance you feel the same, meet me in the town square by the big tree at the New Year’s Eve festival. I’ll be waiting.” 

I hit send before I can chicken out. 

And then throw my phone across the bed, both on edge and excited for a buzz that may never come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrows updates will be the last ones of the story! So, that means a happy ending. 
> 
> Also, check of the moodboards I made for this story on tumblr! And feel free to follow me! [Best of Me Moodboards](https://zags96.tumblr.com/post/183584592208/best-of-me-moodboards)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay peoples! This is the final chapter before the epilogue!

The New Year’s Eve fair is the same every year. My family and I make the short drive toward town, parking in a large field near downtown. Herds of people ebb and flow toward the town center. Lights are strung across the buildings and streets creating a complex web of lights. Booths are set up around the towns center; students from the town’s schools are dressed warmly but representing the school colors—red and grey. There are several game booths with prizes, a smattering of food and drink booths, and even ones that are selling handmade jewelry and various other objects. All the booths embody everything that we love and appreciate as a community. 

People wave and talk happily as they greet my family upon our arrival. Lucía , being a teacher in the school, is well known, and often adored by her students. I don’t blame them, she’s incredibly intelligent and always makes learning something new fun—at least she did with my siblings and me, though I appreciated it more than they did. She spends time talking with a few of her students at a few of the booths, complimenting their hard work and teasing them about making sure they get their work done for school in a few days. 

I wander aimlessly by myself, the rest of my family having branched off quickly. My hands are shoved deep into my jacket pockets, lower face tucked beneath my scarf, hat tugged low over my ears trying to keep some semblance of warmth within my barriers. My eyes scan the crowd hoping to catch a glimpse of Juliana. 

So far, nothing. 

No response to my text ever came either. 

I’ve taken to staring at the message thinking—beyond any form of logic—that the more I look at it the more likely it would be for her to answer. No such luck. 

Radio silence. 

I’m starting to give up. But I did tell her I’d be waiting for her by the big tree. And I will. I will spend all night waiting for her. If she doesn’t show up…well…I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. If. If I get there. 

Walking by a few booths, I cave and snag myself a hot chocolate from a cute elderly couple who boasted about using fair trade chocolate to make it. 

“Ethically and morally sourced! No slavery or exploitation occurred to make the chocolate we used,” the short grey-haired woman says beaming with pride. I take the drink with a grateful smile and pay her double. 

“Happy Holidays,” I say before walking off. The heat of the drink warming my gloveless fingers. Not my best idea but at least I have the hot chocolate for now. 

I take a seat on a bench near the big tree and quietly watch people bustle by. Little kids laugh as they play in the snow. Couples walk by holding hands and sharing sugary treats. I can see my family members every now and again, but none of them approach me. They know not to bother me right now; I told them I needed my space today whether the outcome is good or bad. I just need to be alone to deal with whatever may come. 

Settling into my seat, I try my best to relax and enjoy the festivities that go on around me. I gaze up at the tree occasionally, the very one Mae and I used to spend so much time during the holidays looking at. It’s lit up in brilliant colors; the lights twinkle, the ornaments sparkling in the light. It’s beautiful. Exactly as I remember it. 

For the next couple hours, as midnight is slowly approaching, I sit in the same spot, nursing the hot chocolate, and watch the crowd slowly dwindle. The little kids taken home for bed. The booths start to close. And I’m starting to lose more and more resolve as the time passes. 

Nine o’clock and there’s no sign of Juliana. 

Ten o’clock and Guille comes to check on me. 

Eleven o’clock and I debate getting up and leaving. 

The mayor should be coming on stage to speak soon. A stupid speech he always gives about ushering in the new year with open arms before we count down to midnight. And then the fireworks. 

If she’s not here by midnight, I’m going home. 

Forty-five minutes. 

Forty-four minutes and I’m giving up—by then it’ll be obvious that she gave up the moment she left. 

Just forty-three more minutes until I know where we stand.

***

“Any sign of her, yet?” Eva asks as she takes a seat next to me on the bench. I shake my head, eyes still roaming through the crowd hopefully. “Whatever happens, we stand behind you, Val.” I peel my eyes away from the crowd and smile gratefully at Eva. Mateo, Bella, Lucho, Guille, and Renata all stand scattered around the bench, each a few paces away from the other. They are all turning slowly in circles looking through the crowd the same way I am. “We’ve got your back.” She gives me a quick hug before going back to her spot among my cousins. 

I pay them no mind letting them do as they please and walk over to the tall tree in the town square. The stage where the Mayor is making his speech in half an hour is to the left of it, a gazebo with a smaller Christmas tree stands to the right. I gaze up at the tree. 

It’s massive. If I think hard enough, I can picture Mae and I hear several years ago waiting for the countdown to begin. I can hear the pop of the fireworks, the cheers for a new year. I can feel her soft lips on mine, a promise for our future together. My fingers brush along my lips and I smile remembering those beautiful moments I got to have with her. 

The blissful memory collapses when the blonde beauty morphs into the brown eyed goddess that has occupied my thoughts the most these past couple days. Juliana had spent so much time when we first met trying to show me that I can love someone even if they are gone; that I can miss them despite the painful way in which they left me. 

And she was right. If Juliana doesn’t come back, if she chooses Sergio, then I will accept that. I can’t control everything in life, but I can control the way I react to this. She will always hold a special place in my heart, just like Mae, but I will not allow her to destroy my whole being. I am more than the love I receive. I am more than the pain I have endured. I am more. 

The music that has been playing through the speakers on the stage suddenly cuts out. I turn toward the stage to see the Mayor’s assistant tapping on the microphone. Static pumps through the speakers followed by the echoing of the thumbs of his hand against the microphone. 

“Hello?” He leans forward into the microphone as he speaks. “Oh, good, it’s working. Hello, everyone! Welcome to the annual Whiteridge New Year’s Eve Fair! The Mayor will be giving his speech in fifteen minutes, and then the fireworks will go off at midnight! It’ll be a great start to the New Year, I hope you’re all excited!” The perky man gets a mediocre round of cheers. I clap slowly from where I stand watching as he ducks his head. “Um, anyway, enjoy the rest of the evening!” He trots off the stage and the music flits back out of the speakers. I turn away from the stage, moving toward the gazebo get some distance between myself and my family. 

They continue their rounds watching the crowd as they joke back and forth with each other. One of them always has their eyes on me. Watching my every move. Checking my body language. It’s obvious in the way their eyes rove over my body, linger on my face, and tilt their head in question whenever I catch them. I don’t engage. I blatantly ignore them. I know they mean well. That they care. I appreciate it, I really do. But, right now, I need my space. Juliana is either going to show up within the next twenty-five minutes or she isn’t, and that will be the end of that. Even if I don’t want it to be. At that point, it’ll be clear what she wants. 

The benches in the gazebo are empty, everyone has flocked over to the stage waiting for the fireworks. It’s the best spot to watch them if you get there early enough. The gazebo’s view is partially blocked by a line of houses and trees, but I know that I’ll be able to see them from here. If I stick around long enough, that is. 

I take a seat on a bench so I can see the sky from my spot. It’s pitch black save for the stars that dot the sky. My back slouches against the wooden post behind me, my head tilting back to rest on the railing. The wood is cold and seeping into my skin causing me to shiver. The temperature has dropped drastically over the course of the evening. Many people haven’t noticed since they’re warmed by spiked drinks and hot chocolate. 

I should’ve grabbed another one before they packed up. 

My eyes close as I listen to the rabble of the crowd and the music that is nearly drowned out by the voices. The wind rustles branches and sends puffs of snow around me sprinkling my skin with it. I can feel the stiffness of my face from the cold, my lips chapped from constantly tugging my lips between my teeth and tugging worriedly at them. 

There’s a tapping on the microphone again. Fifteen-minutes until midnight. The Mayor begins to speak happily. He recounts all the great things that have happened this year in the town from the marching band making it to nationals, to the football team winning a game for once, to an all-time high in food donations for the homeless. 

A throat clears beside me. 

My eyes fly open and I sit up straight thinking it’s Juliana. But it’s the old woman from earlier, who gave me the hot chocolate. I stand up to face her and the crowd near the stage. 

“Hi, deary, you looked cold,” she offers me another cup of hot chocolate. “Last cup of the night, on me. You sister was telling me about your girlfriend, I hope it works out.” She smiles politely and waddles off toward her husband who has his elbow out for her to grab. They both head over to the crowd by the stage. 

I sigh and close my eyes trying to will my heart to slow down. The cup is warm in my hands, bringing some life back to my surprisingly frozen body. 

“I also hope it works out,” a voice speaks up from behind me. The hot chocolate slips from my hands and falls to the floor of the gazebo. Brown liquid explodes around my boots and seeps into cracks between the wooden boards. I’m too afraid to turn around. Too afraid that I’m imagining things. Footsteps approach me, a hand lays gently on my shoulder, slowly turning me around. 

I close my eyes. “This isn’t real.”

“I mean, if you open your eyes, it will be,” she says softly. I peel my eyes open and lock onto Juliana’s. The bags under her eyes are dark, her eyes not nearly as vibrant as I remember. Sadder. I think I look about the same. “Hi,” she breathes out, the corners of her mouth fighting a smile. 

“What—what are you doing here?” I ask despite knowing the answer. 

“I do believe you asked me to.”

“Only if you felt the same…” I whisper cautiously. She tilts her head, a little smirk playing on her lips. My heart stutters in my chest. “No, no, you don’t get to do that right now.”

“Do what?”

“Be all…cute and seductive!” I gesture wildly with my arms. “It’s not—you left, Juliana. You left me for him.”

“I think I’m well aware of what I’ve done, Val,” Juls lifts her chin up. 

“No, I don’t think you are.” I put distance between us shaking my head. “You—you almost broke me. You led me on. We slept together, Juliana! I didn’t take that lightly. That wasn’t just because I was drunk. I trusted you. I opened up to you; something I haven’t done with anyone since Mae died…”

“I know—” 

“I really, really, don’t think you do.” I throw my hands up in frustration. “I have worked so hard to keep people at an arm’s length, to not get attached to anyone. Fuck, Juls, I even kept my family at a distance because I can’t stand the idea of losing anyone else. And you…you were the first person I risked that on. And you. Fucking. Left.” I point my finger at her punctuating my words. She’s staring at me quietly, her eyes turned down, sparkling in the light of the Christmas tree next to her. I feel my rage dissipate. “Why did you have to leave?” I deflate and take a seat on the bench placing my head in my hands.

“I’ve stayed at the café for years,” she says finally taking a seat next to me. 

“What?” I turn my head at her furrowing my brows. 

She holds her hand up. I listen. “I worked at the café for years,” she repeats. “I stayed with Sergio for three years because it was familiar. I don’t—I’m not well versed in change. It’s just been me most of my life. Letting Sergio in was a gamble, but once he was there, I got comfortable with having him around. We have so much history. Some of it isn’t good, but most of it is. I couldn’t let it go…I couldn’t gamble on another person who may not want to stay. I didn’t want to be alone again…” 

“You wouldn’t have been alone though.” I turn my head in my hand and gaze at her intensely. “I was right there in front of you begging you to stay. And you still left.” At the stage, the Mayor’s voice continues to boom out. Someone shouts out five more minutes. The crowd grows rowdy. Voices swell in excitement nearly muting the Mayor’s speech. 

“I can’t change the fact that I left,” she says after a pause. “I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of change. Sergio was familiar, and safe, and he was begging for me back. And I took it.”

“Then why are you here now.” I sit up straight and argue back. “If he’s so safe and the man you fell in love with, why are you here?” 

“Because I fell in love with someone else,” she locks her eyes onto mine. “He was the man I had loved in college, but he also wasn’t. It no longer felt right, or comfortable, or safe. It was wrong, and I—I realized that what I had once felt for him was gone.”

“Just like that?” 

“Not really, it was gradual over the days after I left,” she shakes he head. “The way he spoke to me, the way he touched me, the way he looked at me…it wasn’t the way you did it, Valentina. He wasn’t you. And with everything he did and said, it became more obvious to me. I didn’t love him. I love you.”

“Wh-what?” I blink rapidly and stand up. I don’t know why. My body is jittery. My feet want to move. Run. My brain screams at me to stay. My heart thrums like a thousand soldiers marching toward war. 

“One minute until midnight!” The Mayor calls out enthusiastically. Music starts to play louder, the crowd cheering. 

“I knew, somewhere in my head I knew. But, when I left, all I could think about was you, wonder about what you were doing, if you were okay. All I wanted was you, Val.” She stands in front of me, taking my hands in hers, and pulls me closer. 

_Is this real? This doesn’t seem real._

“I know you’re hurting, I know you’re a little broken, but I don’t care. I don’t care because I am too. But I want to grow with you and learn with you. And even though this started as a fake relationship, I fell in love with you the way you fell in love with me. It’s like I blinked and suddenly there was this space in my mind and chest that you just occupied. It’s yours. I’m yours. I don’t want to know what life is like without you. You understand me in a way no one else ever has. You make me want to be better for myself and for you,” Juliana says, her voice cracking, tears brimming in her eyes. 

“Ten! Nine! Eight!” The crowd yells. 

“I love you, Valentina Carvajal. I love you and I want to be with you, I want to be your girlfriend.” Her face breaks out into a tentative smile. “For real, this time.”

“Five! Four!” 

I write words for a living. I weave stories in seconds. But I can’t form a coherent sentence. 

“Three! Two!” 

But actions, actions speak a thousand words. 

“One! Happy New Year!” The fireworks crackle overhead. Everyone is cheering as I lean forward and capture Juliana’s lips with mine. She responds quickly. It’s slow, slower than any of our other kisses. Our lips move tentatively against one another’s. The bang and crackles of the fireworks in the sky have nothing on the one’s within my ribcage. It’s like the whole world’s fireworks are erupting inside me right now. Her hands snake around my waist pulling me closer to her body; my hands find their place on the base of her neck.  
I can feel her smiling against my mouth. 

“I love you,” she mutters, pulling away for air. Her forehead pressed against mine. 

“I love you.” I kiss her again to the sound of cheers, laughter, and the world exploding around us. And, maybe we’re a little broken, and we may have a hard time loving ourselves, we’ve found love and the best of ourselves in each other. And, maybe, that’s all that matters.


	20. Epilogue

“Juliana, come on, we’re gonna be late!” I yell up the stairs. 

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” She yells back, the sound of her footsteps come pounding down the stairs. She appears in the front hall with a grin. “I was trying to find the sweater Chivis knit me for last Christmas.” Her dark hair falls in perfectly curled waves over her shoulders. The peach colored sweater makes her hair look darker, her tight jeans are tucked into a boots that she loves to steal from my closet. 

“At least it’s a good excuse for Eva,” I laugh and plant a kiss on her cheek. “Maybe it’ll ease the anger she’ll have for us being late.”

“Just let me do all the talking and she won’t even be angry,” Juliana says putting her jacket on. Juliana and Eva surprisingly clicked after Eva had given her a very long talk. After Juliana came back on New Year’s Eve, there was a lot of resistance to her. I don’t blame my family. Seeing me suffer through one loss and then another, it’s not something they enjoyed. It’s not something I enjoyed either. But they eventually saw I was happy, and that Juliana was being sincere. We finished out that holiday with my family on a high note. There was laughter, smiles, and so many hugs. And that was two years ago. 

We went back to the city; our jobs were waiting after all. But something felt off. We couldn’t place it for a while. Juliana went back to the coffee shop, and I went back to the university. I smiled more, laughed more, went out more. And this time it was real. I made friends with my coworkers and Juliana’s too. We saw Camilo at the arcade bar a lot and he teased me that I was always hanging out with rowdy people. I brought my old group of friends back together from our university days. Introduced them to Juliana. We made our own little family in the city, and yet it still didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like it was ours. Like our lives weren’t our own; it wasn’t just Juliana and me. It was Juliana and Sergio and Mae and me. 

Six months later, we were visiting my family again. We were thinking about moving in together, a new place, a place that wasn’t haunted by our past. I was tired of working at the university I went to. Juliana was tired of being in the coffee shop letting her degree go to waste. My dad jokingly told us there were a few houses in town that were up for rent. Juliana and I immediately went to look at them. They were small, and cute, and colorful. And everything we wanted in a future together. Close to my family, close to the place we fell in love, surrounded by the things we adore. 

Lucía got Juliana a job at the primary school teaching art. I started working at the newspaper with my dad as an editor and writer. Everything started to fall into place, to make sense. Our days were filled with work, our evenings with shared meals and cuddles on the couch. The weekends were for walks through town, reading books in the park, playing with Bella when Eva and Mateo came to visit. Dinners with my dad and Lucía , coffee with Guille and Renata, drunk nights at The Library with our friends.

Two years later and we’re back to where we were at the very beginning. Trying to get to my family’s house for the holidays. Except, this time, she's actually my girlfriend. 

“Hey,” Juliana says, her hand gently cupping my cheek, “you ready?” 

“Yes,” I say back, a smile growing on my face. 

“You sure? I don’t think Lucia will let you walk into the house with soggy socks.” Her smirks grows into a smile and tantalizing quirk of her eyebrow. I blush tugging my bottom lip between my teeth. My eyes fall on my shoeless feet. 

“Oops?” I shrug. A melodic laugh tumbles from her lips. She places a chaste kiss on my lips before bending down and tossing me a pair of boots. 

“Come on, we’re beyond late now,” Juliana says opening our front door and ushering me out. She locks it behind us, and we trudge not too far through town to my parent’s house. I hold Juliana’s hand tightly in mine as we walk through the town and up the road to the house. We’re greeted by friends and some of Juliana’s students wishing us a Merry Christmas. 

When we reach the house, the driveway is filled with cars, and we can see everybody moving around in the living room from the front window. Juliana races me to the front door and flings it open. 

“Where’s my Bella girl?” She yells into the house. I come up behind her closing the door and grinning as Bella comes running. 

“Aunt Juliana!” Bella squeals throwing herself into Juliana’s awaiting arms. 

“Hey, little one,” Juliana hugs her tightly, planting a kiss on her head. “How are you?”

“I’m great! I wanna show you and Aunt Val my drawings!” Bella starts tugging Juliana toward the living room. She’s much taller than she was the last time we saw her. She just turned eight; her personality has grown just as much as she has. And her artistic ability has far surpassed my own when I was her age. I can’t even fathom the talent she has. 

We head into the living room where the rest of the family is. Uncle Johny has taken up his usual post by the bar cart with Lucho. Tiberio, Silvina, Lucía , and my dad are sitting on the couches talking between themselves. Guille comes walking into the room with snacks in hand and a mega-watt smile, a very pregnant Renata follows behind him, and two very exhausted new parents, Eva and Mateo. Their newborn son, Alex, sleeping soundly in Eva’s arms. 

“There are our girls!” Eva says when she notices us. “And we thought Guille was always the late one.”

“You know how I don’t appreciate tardiness, Valentina,” My dad chastises. 

“Blame this one,” I say pointing to Juliana. 

“I just wanted to wear the sweater Silvina had made me,” Juliana explains. She whispers something to Bella and goes to greet my family. She places quick kisses on each of their cheeks, hugs where it’s more appropriate, and a few knuckle touches—Lucho is so bad with affection, we’re not sure how he managed to get a girlfriend. “Val is the one who wasn’t fully dressed when I came downstairs.”

I throw my hands up, “Juliana!” 

“We do not need to know those details!” Eva shouts covering her ears. 

“I wanna know,” Lucho speaks up from the corner. His girlfriend, Nayeli, whacks his chest. “Uh, just kidding.”

“I just didn’t have shoes on, guys, come on,” I try to explain. 

“Sure, Val, whatever you say,” Guille adds. “We know you and Juliana can’t keep your hands to yourself.”

“Oh, God, please make this stop,” Eva mutters. 

“Don’t be such a prude, dear,” Silvina says walking over to Juliana and I. “Hi, girls, how are you?”

“We’re good, really good,” I say with a grin, wrapping my arms around Juliana’s waist. 

“Are there any wedding bells in the future? You know, Guille’s and Renata’s wedding was so beautiful, I would love to have another one of those,” Silvina looks expectantly at us. 

“Chivis…” I say, blushing. Juliana disengages from my arms and I’m left talking with Silvina alone about this. I can hear my family’s voices fall to a hushed murmur. 

“I’m just saying, you two have such a magnificent love. It reminds me very much of my Tiberio and I. From the moment we met, I just knew he was going to be special. He was the love of my life,” she sighs smiling. “Don’t let her slip through your fingers. And don’t slip through hers either. You two were destined to be together.” I can feel the dopey smile on my face. She grabs my hands and kisses them, before backing up. 

Gasps fill the room, and I look around in panic wondering what happened. 

I find Bella behind me holding a well-drawn picture of mine and Juliana’s side profiles. Our likenesses are staring at each other, there’s a softness in the eyes that I’ve never seen from an outside perspective. 

“Bella, what—” I start to say, but she moves the picture behind another piece of paper. On it is a big heart and mine and Juliana’s initials written in it, the words ‘forever’ beneath them. “I don’t—Bella, what’s going on?” I turn to face my family, who are all watching in rapt attention. Everyone’s standing, smiling widely at me. “Guys?”

“I met you by chance,” Juliana’s voice rings out behind me. I turn around to find her standing in the place Bella was before. “You asked me to pretend to be your girlfriend and trick your family to get away with a lie you had going for too long. I didn’t intend to fall in love with you or love your family like my own. But the more time I spent with you, the more I got to know you and your family, the more I knew I never wanted to let any of this go. I was stupid, and I made mistakes, but I have never been happier than when I am with you.” 

“Juliana…” I whisper, tears brimming in my eyes. I watch in awe as she steps toward me and takes a knee. 

“You showed me that the safe choices aren’t always the best choices, and that just because I’m comfortable, doesn’t mean I’m happy. You have given me so much more to live for, so much more to love. Because of you I know what it’s like to be a part of a loving family, because of you I wake up every day with a smile on my face and heart full of love,” she takes my hand in hers. I can feel the tears trickling down my face. “I love you an indescribable amount, and I promise to treat you with the respect and kindness that you deserve. Valentina Carvajal, will you make me the happiest woman in the world and marry me?” Juliana pops open the velvet box in her hand. The ring sits in the plush foam, it’s a classic singular diamond set in a silver band. But it’s perfect. Simple. Beautiful. And I’m speechless. 

“Yes,” I whisper, and then again, louder. “Yes, yes, I will marry you!” My family cheers behind me as Juliana slides the ring onto my finger. I throw my arms around her neck and pull her tightly to my body, burying my face in her neck. Juliana’s arms wrap around my torso, clinging to me just as tightly. 

“I love you,” she whispers in my ear. I pull back, resting my forehead against hers. Our eyes lock, both watery and full of warmth. She nudges me with her forehead and nose trying to get to my lips. My hands gently her face and her fingers bury themselves in my hair. She kisses me softly, her lips moving carefully and lovingly against mine. We’re both smiling, the taste of our salt on our lips from our tears. We pull back, my family’s still cheering behind us. I rest my forehead back against hers. “Thank you.” 

“Thank you,” Juliana says back. She kisses me lightly one more time before we get swarmed by my family. Our eyes meet across the room as we’re congratulated by everyone. The words unspoken fall between us, fill the space around us. 

Thank you for existing; for being you; for coming back; for dragging me into this crazy lie in the first place; for saying yes. But, mostly, thank you for loving me and all the baggage I come with. 

“I love you,” I mouth to Juliana with a grin and a playful wink. She laughs and blows me a kiss as she surrounded by my siblings. 

Yeah, I could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna thank y'all so much for being on this ride with me! I've really enjoyed writing this story and interacting with you all! 
> 
> My Juliantina Zombie AU is still being written and updated daily, so feel free to check that out! 
> 
> I'll be starting a new au shortly, so look out for that! 
> 
> Also, feel free to follow my [tumblr](https://zags96.tumblr.com/)


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